My husband will leave me if I take off the hijab.

[Lotusflowerbombx]

I’ve been married and a revert/covert to Islam for 6 years now for, yes I did it for my husband but I was so blindly in love at the time theres not much I wouldn’t of done. 6 years on and 2 DC I’m questioning everything!! I always have tbh, I’ve spoke many times with my husband about the hijab and how I don’t want to wear it but he said he’ll leave me if I don’t. He’s very much practicing and prays 5x a day at the mosque and he believes I do too but half the time I’m not actually.. I do feel bad about it though that’s why I think do I believe in this religion? When I’m having a bad anxiety day I pray and it makes me feel better but soon as that days done I’m back to pretending :( I had a conversation with my husband the other day about if our daughter didn’t want to wear hijab when she’s older what would he do and his answer was he would wash his hands of her and I just catch fathom how a parent could be so cold.. I hate wearing the hijab I don’t feel free and if my daughter was in my position I would say get rid but I’m just so scared I’ll regret it, is losing love worth it to show my hair? In all other areas he’s great, he’s the best dad and always helping with house work.. if I could dress how I want I would never think about leaving him :( anyone been in a similar situation? I struggle to find anything relatable online

Why do you think he is a religious extremist? Strange thing to say.

" is losing love worth it to show my hair?"

Its control, thats all. Religion is big on control - especially for men controlling women. Seriously whats the big deal with womens hair?

I agree with the post that said it's hijab now but is likely to be something else later. You need to name your own values and morals, OP, and to live them. IMO this is why you're unhappy and feel unfree- it's not just about your hair, it's because you're not living by your own moral code, and the love of your partner is so heavily contingent on you complying with his. Loving him isn't enough- you're a grown woman, you're a mother, you're a whole person who shouldn't be meekly accepting someone else's moral dictates as though you haven't a life and mind of your own. Where will this all lead? If your husband were to cut off one of your children would you be expected to do the same? If one of your children rejected his faith or grew up gay, what would the response be from him and from you? Is this the person you want to be? If you finally felt you couldn't go on with the pretence of following his faith, but your children were devout and as uncompromising as their father, what would that do to your relationship with them? This could all get really messy and painful. I think you need to know who you are and what really matters to you, and show your children that your values and judgement matter no less than their father's.

It is worth remembering that there are several different groupings within Islam with varying beliefs and rules on control and practice.

Broadly the biggest groups are Sunni and Shia Muslims. As well as being a religious ideology, Islam also provides a political, legal and military framework which is utilised to different levels by the ruling group.

For example in Afghanistan, the majority are Sunni and of the Hanafi school of Islamic law but ruled by the Taliban who use the strict Deobandi rules to subjugate mainly the female population.

I think there is a lot of confusion in the conversations about Islam and Muslims as many don’t understand the different groupings and their respective approaches. Many people wrongly just lump them all in together. The majority of Muslims in the UK are Sunni but despite the greater proportion having views against things like homosexuality etc, they may be less likely to express or act on them publicly, and we currently have laws on free speech and against discrimination to keep things equal. However, apparently a ‘significant’ number of UK mosques are run by the extremely strict and traditional ‘revivalist’ movement of the Deobandi.

Preachers in some mosques have been found to be radicalising young men and in some cases preaching anti- Western hate speech and even terrorism.

If your partner has adopted increasingly extreme views to dictate your behaviour and those of your daughter, I would look more closely at who the preachers are at the mosque he attends and their views. If they are of the Deobandi persuasion, that will be your future if you stay with him.

Sadly, despite the known and potentially serious issues of abuse of women in the name of Islam, our government are reluctant to look into it and actually omitted that aspect from a recent report on abuse of Muslim women (they were looking for the Islamophobia angle and ignored abuse coming from inside the community). Sadly, the government is less keen to deal with that.

The allowing of hijabs in primary schools for example. This has contributed to the death of one little girl as a hijab was used to conceal her injures but no one dared question why she suddenly started wearing it at such a young age. Despite this, the government would rather introduce what will effectively be a blasphemy law to stop us discussing but, rather than look at disallowing hijabs in schools.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/apr/11/british-muslims-strong-sense-of-belonging-poll-homosexuality-sharia-law

henryjacksonsociety.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/HJS-Deck-200324-Final.pdf

Demanding that she covers her hair even though she hates it and threatening to disown his daughter if she doesn’t comply in the future is quite an extreme view, no?

Because he has said he will divorce his own wife and disown his own child if they don't cover their head in accordance with his extreme version of his religion?

Well no. If race and religion were not part of the conversation we wouldn't have this bigotry of low expectations and excuse making for horrific behaviour.

Going to a Mosque five times a day, is very extreme.

Saying he would wipe his hands of his daughter if she wouldn't cover her head is extremely extremist!

In any strict religion control is important. As time goes on, other issues can come into play which may also stretch you beyond your limits. For example, if one of your children is gay what happens then? He would no doubt was his hands of the child, you could not. I had friends in a very evangelical Church who sent their gay child for "counselling" when he partially came out. He finished up being sectioned and has frankly never recovered. He is still in the Church, but has never been Able to work. Also you have no protection under UK law. Be very aware of this.

He intends to disown his daughter if she won’t comply with his religious demands (aka wear the hijab).
he’ll leave OP if she won’t comply (and remove the hijab).

He’s clearly incapable of loving someone with differing religious views. How is that not an extremist?

unless you’d like to argue that religion is a red herring and he’s simply an controlling pos using religion to exert control? You might not be completely wrong if that was your argument.

But seeing as he’s doing / saying all this in the name of religion and would most likely use his religion to justify his own actions? Calling him a religious extremist still seems warranted to me…

Thats interesting thanks. How come there were protests by Muslim parents about teaching 'homosexuality' in schools if they tend to keep quiet about it?

Bloody hell @stargirl27 this man says he'd cut off his daughter if she didn't cover her hair- how do you not think he's a religious extremist?

The children belong to the father in the event of an Islamic divorce. Be wary.

Thankfully, our legal system pays no regard to what Islam thinks, but its the intimidation and violence of the man and the family/friends/community that makes your post relevant.

It’s a shame you can’t see the issues with a man who is not even her legal husband threatening to leave her and disown his daughter if she doesn’t comply with his unreasonable demands.

Respectfully, maybe you are a bit too close to the situation to advise her objectively.

Many Muslims say that it is a free choice and there is no coercion in this, but that is not quite ringing true here, is it?

This is the UK and you can wear what you want. Women fought for years in the past for equal rights, including facing death. Wear what you want and be grateful you live in the UK and not Iran. Your husband does not have your best interests at heart. Take care

I don't believe it is a symbol of oppression but I've been upfront about my background and potential bias.

My point was that hijab (whatever you think of it) is not the big picture issue here. Even if the OP was to take it off and her husband was to either reluctantly accept it or when it came to it despite having said he'd divorce was totally fine the issue wouldn't be fixed. They are sharing a life where OP isn't (able to?) being truthful about her beliefs which is a recipe for disaster with children involved.

I think that is she was in a position where she was more comfortable and sure of her own thoughts and feelings then she'd be more confident and able to make the right choices for herself and her children.

He doesn’t love his children and isn’t a great father if he would abandon his child if she didn’t perform his religion in the ‘correct‘ way.

Do you think the burqa is?

Hi Op
That sounds very difficult. I've lived in strict muslim countries and understand the power / control /shame of what women have to wear.

Is your partner born in the UK - as in are his family here. As in would your children be at risk of being taken abroad? That's my first thought.

If he says he will leave you if you remove the hijab and that he will wash his hands of his own daughter if she doesn’t, then this is the sign of coercion and control. If he knew you weren’t praying, how would he react?

If he prays at the mosque every time rather than praying at home, then he’s also constantly mixing with other men who have these views.

I would argue that any man who is willing to disown his own daughter and cast off his wife is not living in kindness and fairness which I believe is important in Islam.

He is prioritising your obedience over the relationship between you. Many people would regard that as inconsistent with kindness.

One last thing about coercion. Men like this gradually encourage women to drop their friends and eventually their family on the grounds they are not good for them. Then they undermine women to the point that women start to doubt themselves and their abilities. Finally they ensure women are dependent on them financially and emotionally.

In my experience they may then begin to be violent towards them.

iIf any of this resonates with you, then you might wish to consist plan to leave when the time is right. If you are more distant from friends and family then maybe reconnect. If you are close then maybe spend more time with them.

Plenty of devout Muslim women don’t wear the hijab. You are British and you have more rights and freedoms than you may have been led to believe.

I wish you the best.

I was thinking in general but obviously there are exceptions.

The protests at Anderton Park and Parkfield primary schools in Birmingham were a quite a major public demonstration of the views of the Muslim parents. It would be interesting to understand what effect it has had on education in Birmingham as much of the political activity is being done under the radar. Many aspects of local governance in Birmingham are led by Muslims so maybe it has just been quietly dropped? The Labour government are certainly very keen to work with Muslim community groups to ensure their satisfaction in many aspects of life.

It had the added complication that as well as teaching about homosexuality, the No Outsiders organisation (in the schools subjected to protest), was also teaching gender ideology to young children and promulgating the lies about the law and medicine that have recently been clarified by the Supreme Court.

For two years I worked in an organisation staffed predominantly by Muslims.
You can make your insulting comments based on a lack of information and anger. I make mine from a position of knowledge and lived experience.

It's not religion, it's male dominance and control.

Obviously. How does that comment help op?