My husband will leave me if I take off the hijab.

[Lotusflowerbombx]

I’ve been married and a revert/covert to Islam for 6 years now for, yes I did it for my husband but I was so blindly in love at the time theres not much I wouldn’t of done. 6 years on and 2 DC I’m questioning everything!! I always have tbh, I’ve spoke many times with my husband about the hijab and how I don’t want to wear it but he said he’ll leave me if I don’t. He’s very much practicing and prays 5x a day at the mosque and he believes I do too but half the time I’m not actually.. I do feel bad about it though that’s why I think do I believe in this religion? When I’m having a bad anxiety day I pray and it makes me feel better but soon as that days done I’m back to pretending :( I had a conversation with my husband the other day about if our daughter didn’t want to wear hijab when she’s older what would he do and his answer was he would wash his hands of her and I just catch fathom how a parent could be so cold.. I hate wearing the hijab I don’t feel free and if my daughter was in my position I would say get rid but I’m just so scared I’ll regret it, is losing love worth it to show my hair? In all other areas he’s great, he’s the best dad and always helping with house work.. if I could dress how I want I would never think about leaving him :( anyone been in a similar situation? I struggle to find anything relatable online

If he is so devout it really is a surprise that he didn't marry someone equally devout of who had been brought up in the religion.

If he leaves you because of the hijab, he doesn't love you enough. You respected him and his religion to give it a chance, he needs to do the same for you.

the anti-Islam crew

Oh pull yourself together. This father has threatened to cut off his wife and disown his daughter unless they submit to his authority. You think the advice from MN wouldn't be the same for someone in any other religion, or none? If you're looking for bigotry, look no further than yourself.

He's abusive and controlling. You will be much better off without him, in the long run.
Take it off and let him do what he wants.
If that's all it takes for him to leave you, he obviously doesn't love you or care about you and your children.

I don't believe it is a symbol of oppression

It truly is. It genuinely, truly is. Just witness the scenes in Iran with women dancing gleefully while removing their hijabs, that they were forced to wear. Then there is the Talibanic Afghanistan.

If it wasn't a symbol of womens oppression, men would wear it also.

I know the below isn't a hijab, but it shows the oppression of women.

So the 'it's optional' excuse we always hear about is bullshit after all. Shocker.

Hi @Lotusflowerbombx

I was married to a man brought up as Muslim, but not practising. Extended family from his country of origin were practising, but were accepting of me.
I also worked for several years in a school where the students were 85% Pakistani Muslims. Young girls (14, 15, 16) ofter disappeared - sent back to Pakistan and married off. Some returned, some didn't. ).
So I have some personal experience and knowledge of your situation

You have entered into a religious marriage (not legal according to UK law) with a very strictly religious Muslim man.

You have converted but do not really follow the religion or subscribe to its core beliefs.

In effect, you are living a lie, pretending to pray 5 times a day, 'choosing' to wear the hijab, and allowing your 'husband' to make all the important decisions for you.

You do not want your DD to wear the hijab, but he will insist while she is a child, and cut her off if she refuses as she gets older.
Worst case, he and other male relatives and friends could kill her for shaming her family (so-called honour killing).

Does his family practice FGM? Would you stop that if you could?

Does he agree that beating children is the best way of enforcing obedience?
(One student's father broke his arm because he didn't get a good report. From that, and other similar events, teachers were given strict guidelines about what they could and could not say in reports).

You are in a very precarious position, @Lotusflowerbombx . You have no legal protection because you are not legally married.
And if your OH ever discovered that you only pretend to pray, hate wearing the hijab, and don't agree with all the Koran proscribes, he would 'divorce' you without a second thought.

And he would try to take your children, probably to his/his family's country of origin.

If they have passports, I would be taking them and giving them to a trusted (non-Muslim) relative or friend.

You need to think very carefully about your situation, and how you can best protect your children. Perhaps seek advice from a specialist organisation/charity, but make sure he can't find out.

💐

Not in the case where there is no legal marriage.

Your husbands idea of Islam is not positive. He is not respecting you and does not understand that having any form of head covering is a choice. The Qur’an does not explicitly state covering hair it explicitly states covering your chest. Modesty for some Muslims like those within the Alewites sect for example fall under actions and behaviour rather than bits of clothing. You could be covered head to toe and not be modest in thought and action for example. I would not be happy for my daughter to not have the full free will to decide to wear a head covering. The Quran when it comes to relationships between husbands and wives mentions consultation and mutual agreement. Your husbands interpretation of the Quran seems very different to that of my many friends and family members from different countries. I would break away now for yourself and your daughter. This does not mean the end of your journey with Islam you can pursue this if you wish. There are for example lots of different mosques that are more open in their views on prayer and segregation etc etc. Good luck.

How is that relevant? If we’re talking about Islamic law / what a sharia court would “suggest”, the lack of legal marriage would not matter.

If we’re talking about actual law in the UK? What a real court would or could decide and potentially enforce?
The children do not simply “belong” to the father. A lack of legal marriage doesn’t change that. (Luckily!!)

It doesn't matter what the Koran says about wearing the hijab if, in her husband's eyes, it is essential.

Legal marriage or otherwise, Islamic ‘law’ has no jurisdiction here. She is the primary carer. She should seek advice on how to leave and get full custody to protect her daughters from abuse.

This is another good charity that specialises in abuse in honour based cultures. And this is abuse. Emotional and financial.
https://karmanirvana.org.uk/

I think threatening to disown your daughter if she won’t wear a hijab is a sign of a religious extremist.

I think people know 'islamic law' has no legal jurisdiction here, but that is not to say his friends/ family are bothered by this and could fully support him to take the children from her, especially if his community are as devout as him.

That doesn’t really meet the descriptor for extremism, which is believing one truth but critically imposing it on the rest of society, if he was dictating every woman wore a hijab it would be extremism, but this is just devout or strict,

Which is why she needs to ensure she uses the British courts and seeks full custody. In her shoes I’d want him to have supervised visits only to prevent the possibility of kidnap.

She’s not actually decided to leave him, calm down,

I am trying to present the facts to the OP in the hope they she has accurate information about the faith that her husband says he is a part of and follows. With the facts on the hijab been modesty but not directly a form of head covering and the facts of relationships been one of consent, consultation and respect - I am hoping the OP truly thinks about whether this a relationship that is healthy for her and for her daughter. The Quran says one thing and then there is interpretation. Sadly most people go on what certain scholars say and their understanding of the words - rather than reading for themself and making their own judgement. If you look into for example the inclusive mosque initiative you have men and women praying in a way that is not segregated and a mosque where there are female imams and members of the congregation that are part of the LGBT community etc.

I see you have already been accused of racism because you mentioned the colour of skin of men that originated from Britain, we are a majority white country so I’m not sure why it is suddenly unacceptable to mention the colour of our skin but that is another discussion.

Imagine if a man of English (or Welsh, Scottish, Irish, Cornish) origin banned his partner from wearing skirts. The reaction on here would be strong.

Why do some people have such a double standard when it comes to abuse or coercion of women when it’s done for religious purposes? The fact that some women involved in that religion claim that it’s voluntary and not used as a means of abuse is clearly not the case for all. It is definitely not voluntary in Muslim countries like Afghanistan - they only get to see out of one eye now apparently.

So many virtue signalling women of British origin (it would be quicker to say white women but then I get called racist, or I could say ‘non Muslim women’ but that frames Muslim women as the default which is clearly not the case as they are a minority - we are in danger of losing our words to describe ourselves thanks to the constant cries of ‘racist’ every time we try) jump to defend this where in any other situation they would be jumping up and down shouting LTB.

If the government achieves the chilling effect it is aiming for with its work in Islamophobia we won’t even be able to have this discussion freely.

You wear a hijab because you want to, the OP no longer wants to wear one yet has been told by her husband he’d cut off his own daughter if she decided not to wear one so what do you think he’ll do to his own wife if she chooses not to?

Any man who has such extreme views over what another human being chooses to wear isn’t to be rationalised with.

No child should be threatened with being cut out of their parents life because of their clothing choices and it’s such a shame that you feel the need to excuse this behaviour.

Religion has a lot to answer to.

We don’t know that that is not his view though - it may be that he just hasn’t gained the power to enforce it on others.

I've met men who have a nikkah ceremony and then marry another wife with the benefit of a legal marriage. In their eyes they are doing nothing wrong. Often the second wife is from their home country and the marriage was arranged.

@Trint interesting, such a shame that the Islam that most people think of has nothing to do with equal status for women.
You just have to look at the many versions of Christianity to see that it is all interpreted to suit the interpreter, seemingly. Almost always to control women too.

Since I have been quoted on this several times, I'll respond to this one - I hadn't seen this in the OP (skim read as it was a large block of unpunctuated text) and agree it is an extreme view. My mistake.

I'm not sure it is religious extremism per se, as AFAIK Muslims are not expected/encouraged to disown their daughters who do not wear hijab. IMO it's a controlling husband hiding behind religion to validate his behaviour. In any event it's unacceptable.

What other court could be used? Cannot see on what basis jurisdiction could be established elsewhere.