Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Thank you

Minimal communication from him despite me trying, I’ve given him space. He’s due back to me very soon so going to have a walk and a talk when he gets in

I’d keep it bright and breezy/ not make a big thing of it. He’s probably embarrassed and mortified.

” Oh God, I’m not surprised you don’t want to talk to me, I’d have died if I’d caught my mum doing that. So sorry, you are in that situation. Happy to talk about it all whenever you want to, if you want to. Love you loads, even if we are both mortified”

I like this approach.. hoping he’ll want to talk. Just want to reinforce that nothing is going to change for him and our time together won’t be encroached on. Then at least he knows one of the houses he lives in will be a constant with no new intros for the foreseeable…

Talk done, was absolutely fine, found out that ex completely lied, DS had seen nothing, just heard a couple of groans coming from behind my bedroom door, and knew what was going on and decided to leg it. The ex told me DS had seen everything and was very upset about it, which wasn’t the case, he’d seen nothing but didn’t want to stay and hear more. Which is QUITE understandable.

Ex has also proceeded to tell DS that I was a liar because the guy DS had heard me with wasn’t just a relatively new BF, and that I had been with him since before the divorce and had cheated on ex with him!!! Which is an absolute bunch of crazy shit. Ex was on dating apps while we were married, he was emotionally abusive, the king of gaslighting, and thankfully with the help of good friends, I was able to get out. My only crime was staying as long as I did, but even with the shit he piled on me on a daily basis I never once even turned my head towards anyone else. Didn’t meet BF til way after I’d left him. Makes me sick that he would rather hurt me than protect DS.

DS also told me that ex saying he didn’t know DS had left the house that night was also utter bullshit. According to DS, he announced he was going, (ex had taken DS’s phone away so he knew he was without any way of contacting anyone), and still let him go on his own in the dark… which is just mind blowing to me.

Serious discussions need to be had with the ex.

The talk with DS went well at least, younger DS knows nothing and DS was even saying he’d like to meet BF properly and under more normal circumstances.. I’ll not be doing that straight away though, and reinforced that my time with BF is only when the kids are at their Dad’s, and when they’re with me, they’re 100% my focus and priority. I’ll get to intros in the future when it feels right for them and organic to do so. It was a really really lovely talk in the end. We discussed him leaving houses and flouncing off, and how unsafe that could be too. He’s not so happy at Dad’s and has asked if he can be with me more which is the next set of talks to be had with the ex perhaps.

So he’s not scarred for life, im not Rose West, I’m not Bonnie Blue, I’m just someone who had sex in my own bedroom at night, with my long term BF, with the house locked up, when the kids were at their Dad’s.. and all is ok.

I will however be leaving my the key in the back door next time just to be sure.

Your ex sounds exactly like my ex, a manipulative and toxic man. What a shit.

So glad to read this update and that all
is good with your Ds

Your ex is a frickin piece of work though! What a massive bellend to lie about stuff in that way - he has used this to make you look bad, feel crappy for days and has not put DS’s wellbeing first at all

Just reinforces your leaving him!

I got myself and the kids out of a toxic situation, now everything I’m doing is with their interests put first and foremost. Unfortunately I can’t say the same for the ex so I’m constantly in full-on mitigation mode. He can war, I will not. I never play tit for tat, I keep things as calm as possible, always. I never slag off Dad, and keep things as positive for them as possible. I wish I could say the same for him. Unfortunately I can’t do anything to control that but I’ll damn well make sure that when they’re with me they don’t feel “in the middle”. I do everything I can to make sure there is no “war”.

I think people often don't understand that coparenting well takes two well behaved parents but an inability to coparent harmoniously only requires one of the parents to be badly behaved

Ignore the judgement from people that don't understand that

I never bad mouth my ex, but I refuse to feel bad about the fact I cannot magically make him behave or put the children first

People always do seem to castigate the mother for the children being “in the middle” when it’s clearly the father’s abusive and irrational behaviour that’s tearing everyone apart. Your ex was quite happy to hurt his own child just to get one over on you. I’m not sure what the previous poster expected you to do to mitigate that, given that he is their father and the courts (and sanctimonious MNers) generally take a dim view of mothers stopping contact. I’m sorry, it must be soul-destroying trying to co-parent with a man like that.

So happy to read your update OP. What a dick your ex is, glad your son is ok. Makes complete sense that someone like your ex would exaggerate to make you feel bad when he himself is in the wrong (I mean your 14 year old storming out twice in one day doesn’t make you dad of the year does it!).

I’d be clear with my son, “your dad’s a bit of a bullshitter though, you know that”. There’s a difference between slagging him off and just being honest with your kid that his dad doesn’t like you and seems to make everything about that and that it’s quite pathetic tbh.

It is not protecting your child to let him think his dad’s lies are real and not even defend yourself or call out the bullshit.

“Unfortunately your dad lies, but you know that” and roll your eyes when ever you hear about something nonsensical he says. “He said what? He doesn’t half talk rubbish”. You can make it clear to your kid without having to go into detail.

Your son needs to be protected from growing up like his father. If he thinks his dad can get away with talking about you like that, what is to stop him treating partners or being treated by partners in future relationships, the same way?

His father hates women. Don’t let him turn out the same. Have a serious chat with him about what kind of man he wants to become. A bully like his old man. Or a decent human being.

Fuck all this protecting your ex bullshit. It won’t make him be nice about you you know. It’s showing your belly to a shark. Sharks attack weakness and compromise.

Your ex sounds like dick. But you’re as bad running to mumsnet with the drama before even finding out the full facts. Poor kids. Just be a stable, sensible, non dramatic parent who takes time to get the full facts and thinks things through before reacting.

Yes, poor kids, having a mother who chooses to seek advice anonymously on a website designed for parents to use for that specific purpose 🙄 however will they bear the trauma?

Amazing how some posters will twist themselves into pretzels to find a way to put the boot in.

Seeking advice before she even knew the facts. It’s all very dramatic.

Phenomenal really. The irony of having a go at someone using a website that is designed for the exact purpose of gathering opinions… that they themselves are using..

Was only privvy to the full facts today having been gaslighted by the ex once again, and of course I’m the demon.

Baffles me some of these posts quite honestly.

Despite knowing your ex is a liar, gaslights you etc, you chose not to find out exactly what had happened before coming on here. It’s all very teenage drama like. You are an adult with children so it’s best for your children to act like one instead of adding to the drama your son’s dad obviously likes.

An utterly ridiculous comment.

Ignore the dickhead PP. OP yiu sound like a stellar parent with an excellent relationship with your children. Don't doubt yourself.

Op I resonate with you with an abusive ex who seems to want me to fall. It generally backfires. I’m sure your children will learn who is the honest parent. Well done for talking to ds and I’m glad it is not as bad as you previously thought. Ex dh is just showing himself up and probably does not like that you have happily moved on!

OP, I'm really pleased for you. DS sounds very sensible. Meeting BF might be a nice thing. It might be really good for him to see a man treating his mother well. You both deserve that.