Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Your son sounds very dramatic, all this running home after disagreements with dad, not talking to you etc.
Give him a few days, keep texting him and don’t make it a bigger deal than is needed. You are a not just a mum, and maybe it’ll put a stop to all the coming home without warning when he should be at his dads.

Jealous at having your teenage son walk in on some randomer balls-deep inside you?! 😭

One thing you may wish to consider is your DS is 14. It’s getting beyond the point of him being ‘handed over’ like a child. It’s not unusual for a 14yo to be walking 20 mins home at 9pm on a spring evening. Mine did so in a big city.

And at 14, they can choose which parent they live with and spend time with. I believe that’s the approach the family courts take. They no longer have to split their time and many don’t, as it’s so unsettling, and as they get older they naturally want to spend time with friends rather than parents.

If your ex is as toxic as you say, and his new DP, who’s also a teacher at DS’s school, is on the scene, your DS may have been wanting to live with you most of the time and no longer stay at his father’s. Which is why what he saw, in what he regarded as a ‘safe space’ at yours, could be all the more distressing.

There’s a risk he’ll feel (in his teenage mind) he doesn’t belong anywhere and both his parents are prioritising new partners over his needs.

That’s why IMHO your ex didn’t handle it well explaining to your DS you’re entitled to a new relationship. That likely came across as unempathetic and minimising. Though no doubt suits your ex’s agenda as he’s expecting your DS to fit in and ‘blend’ with his new DP via a joint family holiday. He’d be a hypocrite to say otherwise. But it may well have made your DS feel worse.

I speak from experience of being a teenager after a break up.

It's not really about the sex or the embarrassment.

It's just really upsetting as a child of divorce when you realise both your parents are moving on and prioritising other things in a way they wouldn't if you were still a family. Divorced parents look outwards in the way that family parents don't, and that outward look is away from the children too. It just is. This poor boy found a strange man in HIS home where HE lives, having sex with his mum. That's a huge betrayal of his safe space and honestly I think he'll remember it forever. Especially as he was running to that safe space from an unhappy situation. He wanted 'home' and instead he found himself an outsider. That's not small or light and you can say posters are mean and that he is 'dramatic' or whatever, but that's just minimising his very very sad experience.

Such a good post

Yes, excellent post.

And it’ll still be quite raw for him. The family only split two years ago. I remember hoping for years my parents would get back together and everything would get back to ‘normal’.

I’d not thought of it like this - likely very true (& very sad). Poor kid.

Yes absolutely. Im hyper conscious that they’ve had a lot to deal with, and as Dad moved on relatively quickly, that’s one of the main reasons I was very reticent to introduce yet another adult (ie my boyfriend) into the situation. When I have my kids, during that time I don’t see my boyfriend. We speak on the phone but that’s it. He agrees with that approach having been through separation himself with young kids, and I have kept the two parts of my life completely separate. My main reasoning was that I wanted my kids to understand they are my priority, no matter what, and that when I’m with them on my days I have custody, no one else gets “in the way” of that for want of a better phrase. Hence why he feels blindsided now. I want to reassure him that nothing is going to change. When I have the kids, I’m with the kids 100%. I don’t leave them to go out on dates (which is something they’ve been upset about Dad doing), we spend our time as the 3 of us, no extra “unknowns”. BF is more than supportive with this and understands we need to do this slowly and if this relationship is going to last, then we have all the time in the world to wait until my kids are 100% settles to start trying to blend in another family, which would be too much for them right now.

that’s why this hurts so much that DS is so upset I’ve “lied”. I’ve always acted in what I thought was their best interests.

If I manage to get one thing heard when I see him tongiht, it’s that mum isn’t going anywhere, there’ll be no disappearing for dates, no extra place round the dining table being set and no forcing them to meet yet another person. That all can come organically. BF has been amazing and is actively supporting this. We have our time together and although it’s hard to have “gaps” where we don’t see each other, the kids come first. They’re still young and it’s still raw. That’s why ex and his brother piling on, texting reems of texts saying I’ve lied to DS and that I should have “told the truth” about my BF and that I “fucked up” makes me feel so sad and cross. I think I’ve always played this in the best way for my DSs. It was a really unfortunate thing that I’m going to have to deal with, but DSs will always come first.

The piling on the guilt from your ex is text-book behaviour of weaponising the children. My ex did the same and I made a mistake that I instantly regretted at the beginning of our separation and boy did my ex pile on the guilt. It did damage my relationship with my DS initially but with gentle reminding (as you said you are) that you will always be his mum and he will always come first, and admitting that its unknown territory for you and you are still learning, he will come around.

My advice is say it once and have a heart to heart, but don't keep on mentioning it. I also had a stern word with my ex at the time to not use the children to get the higher ground when he has made mistakes too (it was his second marriage so knew all the tricks). Good luck, its still early days and children aren't stupid, they see things without us having to point them out. Now 3 years on, my relationship with my DS is better than if I had stayed married, we are really close and he talks to me a lot about his girlfriend and is very open about it.

The more I have thought about this, the more it’s bugged me. I get it, your son has gone through a lot. But he needs to know you are an adult and do not have to tell him every aspect of your life. You did not lie. No decent parent brings new partners around.

He is old enough to know it’s not all about him. But he’s also a teenager so obviously the world does evolve around him 😂😂

I think what I find the most strange is how he has no empathy towards your situation or understanding. It’s just his feelings that matter. I don’t know if I missed it, but I do think therapy would help him.

It was because the way my ex was talking to me was so disgusting during the divorce and afterwards, he was meant to be on there to make sure no abusive texts were sent

Thanks for this, it’s good to hear you’ve come through the other end of it and that you and your DS are strong as anything. It’s hard enough to navigate separation and divorce without an ex who seemingly wants to bury you (metaphorically speaking)

I have just done this now.. i was still in it as ex refused to talk to me in any other way. I tried coparenting apps too but other than check lists for school stuff, he wouldn’t converse. So bizarre. I could understand it more if I’d cheated etc but he was the one on dating apps etc while we were married (and a whole other list of things besides which is on another thread somewhere on Mumsnet!)

How you prevent it is not having sex on the sofa, only in your bedroom with the door locked.

I felt really uncomfortable upthread when you described it as “your own place” and not a family home. It IS your boys’ home - even if only half the time. I don’t blame him for feeling betrayed and I feel like you’ve not been thinking rationally. Of course there’s a chance one of your sons walks in.

i would keep your sex life in your bedroom until your kids have left home.

as for the immediate term, the poor boy needs space and time, followed by a sincere apology.

Aldo I thought you said the chain was on the door. If so, how did he get in?

I took it to the bedroom, and he still would have walked in. No I don’t have a lock on my bedroom door. I don’t have anyone at my house when my kids are there. DS was not meant to be there and the house was locked up, the front door chain on and it was late evening and at a time when he would normally have been settling down ready to go to bed at his Dad’s. By “my own place” I mean nothing my to do with my ex, not my kids! My kids come first and when it’s my time to have them, no one else gets a look in. No BFs are involved, it’s just me and them. To imply I don’t think of the house as theirs is wild. Please read my reply to AnxietySloth a bit further down and you’ll get a better idea of my take on how I feel about my kids and my priorities.

He let himself in the back door with a key.

Yeah, it was a nice surprise he acted like that tbh, he can bash me all he wants, as long as he keeps that away from the kids

You sound a lovely caring mum. It was unfortunate what happened but I’m sure a good chat with your son will help today. Don’t let your arse ex get you down.