Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Oh OP, sorry that happened.
I guess he’s most hurt at the moment as he came back for sanctuary and it then felt unsafe for him, the environment was completely thrown
youll 100% work this out together, I just listen and reassure at this point, don’t try and justify what’s happened but don’t over apologise either. Just carry on being the steady adult he needs you to be.
as another poster says, you’ll also be getting the backlash from him being in a mood with his dad, good to hear that ex supported you.
make some rules with him and make sure he knows that it’s his home and he is always always free to come and go as he pleases, you won’t be having sex in the front room (bear in mind he will be sitting on that sofa at some point, he’s going to struggle with that so be patient) and ask him if there is anything else that needs to be agreed, he might ask that you never have a sex again which is of course unreasonable and you can talk about that.
maybe introduce the boyfriend when DS is ready. They know he exists, you don’t know if he’s your forever but you’ve been together a year and you don’t have to make any promises as such. I think your son having some kind of human connection with him might make things easier in the long run rather than some stranger that’s been in his home
good luck OP, this will seem so much worse at the moment, he will come round, just try and be compassionate without falling to pieces over it, he needs you to manage this for him

Not at all - leaving a chain on at night is sensible for security
Just it would give her a few seconds to hear him knock and put her clothes on to let him in (and avoid what he saw!)

I'm sorry but once you've got kids you surely don't do living room stuff anymore. Not unless the doors are properly secured or you know they are far away. I don't get what you were thinking here.

Agree, do it in the bedroom. Most teenagers can respect privacy rules around bedrooms.

OP that sounds tough. It sounds like you and your ex are both there for your son and communicate well and your DS catching you with your boyfriend was bad luck.

first of all I would give your DS some breathing space. Maybe text him that and let him know you understand he feels upset and you are giving him some space and are ready to talk when he is.

Secondly, it’s bad luck your DS caught you. It sounds like you have acted appropriately , you have not introduced a partner too soon, and at the same time been open that you are seeing someone.

DS is 14, so a tricky age and 14 year olds vary massively in maturity. But perhaps when he is ready to talk, give him the space to say what he needs to, listen and take it on board. However also, reassure DS you are always there for him, explain you are so sorry he walked in on you, and discuss a plan so it doesn’t happen again, e.g. I will keep my door closed so always knock and wait if door is closed etc.

It’s good that you have an open door policy with your DC and they can move between you and exH’s house and feel welcome at both. If you don’t want to shut that down then you probably have to put a plan in place about keeping doors closed when having sex in future.

You are allowed to have a life too OP, which includes a relationship and sex life with your partner when your DC are with your dad. Your DS is old enough to understand this. Give him space, acknowledge his feelings, listen, Apologise, and move on gently.

Maybe it’s also worth discussing with EX a plan to speak with DS about his reactions to arguments with ex H. Is there a way Ex H can work at de- escalating the arguments so DS doesn’t feel the need to run to you. Can you both suggest some strategies with DS when he feels upset? Eg Take some time in his room to calm, go for a run and see if that helps or what ever works for him.

It sounds like he probably comes to you for reassurance when he feels uncertain, is there a way EX H could reassure him? Can he have this discussion with DS? What are they falling out about?

You sound like a lovely Mum OP who is giving your DC love and stability, trust in yourself and reassure your DS when he is ready.

He’ll come round. Ignore the other pearl clutchers, you haven’t scarred him for life. In 10 years time he will laugh about it.

Leave him to calm down, apologise and install a security chain on the door and use it when you have company so he has to knock/ring the bell to get in if you are ‘busy’.

You are an adult and entitled to your own life.

I also agree with the response saying it’s a terrible idea to lock him out.
OP just needs to stick to having sex in the bedroom unfortunately. Teen son isn’t exactly going to burst into her bedroom as soon as he arrives home

Agree he's 14 he knows what sex is it's utterly mortifying for all concerned but some straight talking apologies all round and a matter of fact let's move on will far more than self flagellation.

Totally agree!

I agree with this.
Yes he'll be shocked. But he really has no right to be angry. I understand that due to disruption in his life he's feeling a need for control. But that does not mean he gets to HAVE control. Certainly not over his parents.

You are an adult. You are entitled to a private life, you do not need your son's permission to have sex.

I do think this opens up to a conversation about your son just storming from one house to another every time he's had an argument. You don't seem to think his dad is a bad dad, it's not like son has a good reason to be uncomfortable around his dad.

I tend to see things as "is this how he should behave in relationships." And storming out when he has any disagreement with his wife won't be good will it. So he needs to learn conflict resolution, and you need to teach it to him.

He also needs to learn to respect others privacy, he doesn't get to know everything about what someone else is doing, he doesn't get to know intimate details of other people's lives, it's not lying, it's having a private life. And yes it's his home, but you were expecting privacy and he can't just storm in and expect you to not be doing something private. You wouldn't storm in his bedroom and catch him masturbating.

Hi. I am really sorry this has happened. You must be mortified..BUT, you ARE allowed A life, you know. It's YOUR house, you are allowed to have sex in it. Your son is more than likely as mortified as you are. No one likes to think of their parents having sex, let alone inadvertently catch one of them at it!!!
And that's why he doesn't want to talk about it.
You can't make someone feel a certain way, you are not responsible for his reaction BUT how you handle it now is the YOU part.
Just be honest
Tell him the truth.
Treat him.like an adult

Honesty is the best policy here, tell him what you told us. I think with everything else going on, just be transparent with him. He'll respect the situation and you a lot more in the end.
Good luck, it'll be fine x

That.

I also feel sorry for you. You've done nothing wrong.

Your son will come round, just give it a bit of time.

Those posting about managing the arguments with his dad so he doesn’t come storming back. As much as I agree that in the future this sounds like it should be addressed I wouldn’t bring that up element into the conversations about what’s happened with his witnessing his mum having sex at all, it will give him the message that it was his fault he saw what he saw and also the motive for mum wanting to resolve the arguing with his dad is so that he doesn’t come home, tread very carefully

I disagree with most of the replies on here.

Yes, it’s embarrassing to see your mum having sex. It’s embarrassing to be seen having sex by your son. But that’s it.

You are entitled to have sex/a relationship and, as an adult and parent, you are entitled to decide what and when you share that with your children. It was your night off from the kids and well into the evening - it was perfectly reasonable not to have expected him to appear and therefore you can have sex with anyone you like, anywhere you like. I would not be drawn into apologising, explaining or accusations you lied - what if it was a one night stand? Should you run them by your son first or just refrain? I appreciate he’s had a tough couple of years but you’re entitled to a life too and he’s reaching an age where he should be capable of understanding that.

I would apologise for the fact he felt embarrassed, but no more.

I agree with this plus I like your ex’s approach too.
He will get over it, he probably won’t ever want to talk about it to you!
TBH it sounds like you are both doing a good job of co parenting usually (from the perspective of someone whose parent’s split in later teens).
He will be ok

Kinda is his fault though. If you don’t want to see stuff, don’t sneak into your mums house late at night without telling her you’re going to be there. And running 20 minutes in socks is ridiculous.

He’s embarrassed, you’re embarrassed. It’ll blow over. But yeah, you should probably save it for the bedroom…. It does sound like he’s struggling a bit otherwise though so talk to him. Neutral space, apparently not face to face but sitting next to each other is easier…

I dont have any advice but I hope it works out for you all and settles down.

In future when you lock your doors, leave your key in the lock and turn it all the way to the left. That way when he tries to unlock it, it wont work.

Test it out and see what I mean. For instance lock the back door, leave key in as described. Walk out your front door and try and unlock back door with spare key. Then do same with front door to check too. Neither door should unlock whilst there is a key in lock turned to left.

At least that way you can relax with your boyfriend round. If son comes home he wont be able yo unlock and will have to knock door or call you 💐

OP is entitled to do as she pleases in her own home when her children are at their Dad's. As she said son has never come home unexpectedly before so there was no reason to suspect that as a possibility. It's an unfortunate scenario but she wasn't foolish and no reason to make her feel worse than she, quite obviously, does!

He’s a kid! His parents have only been divorced a couple of years and his dad has a new partner, he will still be navigating all of that.
what’s happened doesn’t have to be anyone’s ’fault’ does it

It's happened now and he won't want to talk about it. I'm sure thins kind of thing has happened to many children. You can't undo it but you can learn from it. Ie keep sex to your bedroom.
I'd send him a text saying sorry that happened and leave it at that. He won't want to talk about it but will likely laugh about it in years to come

Her ds ran back to his dad so obviously told his dad what he'd seen.

@mumonthehill has written the perfect response here. Of course you are mortified and he is upset but it will be OK. 💐

As for him not getting on with his dad, it is probably a phase, he's 14 and has the disruption of his parents divorcing in his rear view mirror. I divorced when my kids were the same age and it took three years for the older one to stop reeling/come to terms with it.

As for him having a key/letting himself in - of course he does, he is 14 and it is his home.

It's not terrible advice, by simply locking the door, it would have saved a lot of embarrassment. He could have rung the doorbell to alert her of his presence, and yeah there would have still been a certain level of embarrassment, but nothing in comparison to hearing your mother in the throws of passion and seeing mum flesh on strange man flesh. OP has a right to have her own fun in her own house without children barging in when they're not supposed to be there. If he has form for arguing and running back and forth between the houses, it's the first thing I would have done, as I would have seen it as always a possibility if someone else has a key to the house.
Edited to address that "he doesn't normally, go back and forth". If someone else holds a key, it's always a possibility. The door would still be locked from the inside!

It’s his house not his mums house.

my parents were “careless” about having sex, as a result , if I was ill in the night as a child I’d never ever go to their room for help well I’d never really leave my room just in case unless I was vomiting. I was a lot younger than ops son.