Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

Yes same, please grab a tissue.

Why don't you go off and find a thread by a woman who is asking for advice? It's obvious you have so much to offer 🙄

Yes but a woman who is a size 8 complaining about her weight is not the same as a size 22 woman complaining about her weight. If she’s complaining about her weight she’s realised she has an issue and it needs fixing, she just doesn’t have the motivation to do anything about it.

Obesity is an illness that should be treated and we shouldn’t be assuring people that it’s okay to live like that.

I think for obese people WLI are a life changing / potentially life saving investment. It does have to be really important to her though and you still need the motivation. Ultimately the motivation has to come from her. Like with any addiction. But she does seem to want to change so the difference she sees/ feels from the first month on mounjaro might be enough to spur her on to start adding healthy habits like exercise etc and healthy eating as at first she may just be eating a lot less food as opposed to the right food. It will be difficult if you’re not on board with the WLI though so maybe have a look into them and how much the benefits of weight loss outweigh potential side effects and offer to pay for the first month ?

Are you drunk again?

This is my one and only post to the OP and you see it as 'salivating'?

swqa · Today 16:42
You already seem to be supporting her.

She either needs to accept her body for how it is, or do something to change it.

But her just moaning about it isn't going to help anyone.

This is great advice

You're so rude. So much for female solidarity.

Having a baby six months ago is nothing. DD2 is 17 years old and I only got back to the weight I was before having her a few months ago. Plus, she was a big girl when you met, she isn't ever likely to be skinny. People usually put weight on with age.

😄😄 please - i'm just defending my view, i have nothing personal against you

Quit the drama, Ozempic is her friend.

This might help with a dopamine hit/reward feelings https://zombiesrungame.com/

Also OP there's a great book called Food Noise by a doctor who is the son of Michael Mosley. I recommend you and your wife have a listen on Audible.

Here's part of the problem; you're underestimating what is involved in your wife turning this around. She was already obese at size 16-18 and now she's more obese. So she's predisposed to weight gain. You have no personal experience of this so it's hard for you to understand.

She is going to need help. The injections might be the right move.

That's not the reason for him posting on here. He is clearly a loving husband and father and is looking for ideas of how best to support his wife.

Sounds like he is doing all he can for now. 6 months post partum is really early days so please bear with it.

The hot weather certainly isn't easy for larger people either. X

Then why are you going back and forth with me for simply defending the mans wife? That smacks of admiration for a man inviting the internet to judge his wife.

You're going beyond defending your view, you're insulting everyone who disagrees with you. Which is the majority of posters.

Absolutely - rapid weight loss , the skin is less elastic .
Same thing when gastric bands or gastric reductions were popular (before the introduction of WL injections)
NHS funded a lot of gastric band surgery but not excess skin removal so some people were left worse off .

I disagree that it is. Several people have called her lazy and I wouldnt want my husband allowing a group of women online to do that.

No harm in letting the poor woman rest and enjoy being a new mum before she goes back to work.

I resent people pushing WLI like sweets, I remember when WL surgery had evangelical supporters, cabbage soup and military diet, atkins. Nobody wants to actually face the issue.

Girl I am not new to mumsnet, i will survive women disagreeing with me

Its the op's wife i feel for. She doesnt deserve an online shaming.

But it doesn’t sound like she is happy - it sounds like she wants to lose weight but doesn’t really know how to do it.

ETA - sorry, I see this has been pointed out.

I'm going back and forth with you (as are others) because you're talking shite about women salivating and the OP posting just to invite MNetters to slag off his wife.

Are you having difficulty keeping up with why you're getting so many responses like this?

She sounds an excellent candidate for Mounjaro, which is life changing for the treatment of obesity, which is a disease and can’t be fixed with ‘will power’. You can safely ignore the click bait nonsense about it on social media. Sell things or do more work to fund it.

Her health would be transformed.

There are skinny chefs, in their 50s and 60s never were overweight. All they do all day is think and talk about food, the food noise is their default. With obese people it's the emotional numbing and escape. Half the time they aren't even thinking just hand to mouth in a coma dissociative state. I feel people just get on whayever trend,and yes I know there is research funded by people who have a lot to gain by pushing those WLI.. they are all temporary solutions and disempower the individual, you can be thin and you don't need a product, it's your habits and thinking.

That would all by fine and well to an extent if she were not complaining herself. I feel like you're projecting.

It would be quite a different story if OPs DW made no negative comment about her weight/appearance and OP was posting saying how terribly overweight she is. But that's not the case is it. One of OP's main issues is that his DW is complaining about her size and proceeding to not do much about it. Then set herself quite unattainable goals. Many people on here can see how this would be frustrating.

It does. Weight loss jabs may be the answer but financially is not possible just now.