Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

This tends to happen most evenings

I dont think i am talking shite about either

Some women are salivating over this man for his husbanding

And I have explained my reasoning behind judging men who do things like invite other women to judge his wife

His wife sounds like shes doing a great job and is just looking for reassurance from her husband that he loves her as she comes to grips with a big life change

Not sure whats so offensive to you

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Just offer to pay for the injections, the weight loss will kickstart her motivation to actually be healthier. She is obese, and growing larger, any side effects are less risky than her current state. She is exactly who these things were made for. As she slims she'll be more confident, happy and physically able to exercise so her overall health will improve in anyway.

Not most evenings - once a week at best, i get busy

Along with a weekly few glasses of wine as a treat for defending women 🥰

Quite. And I’ve seen threads from women where they have the same issue as OP (an overweight parter unhappy with their weight but not making changes) and the responses are generally overwhelmingly unsympathetic towards the man, and sympathetic to the woman having to listen to the moaning but no action.

You accused me of 'salivating' earlier and when I pasted my only reply to the OP, which actually proved I wasn't, you conveniently ignored it.

So 'shite' is putting it mildly.

No let's face it, I'm not the only one to notice the change in you of an evening.

You spend all day posting and then get more and more argumentative as the evening draws in.

I did after you had a go at me for defending the op's wife 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I didn't.

I pulled you up on your childish accusations of 'salivating'.

But as usual, another thread has turned into the 'you' show.

So I'll bow out now and let you get on with the attention you need.

Tell her the weight chat has to stop -especially in front of your child ( i know a bit young )
tell her you will , as always support in every way possible but you don’t want to hear any more negative body talk ( its fucking boring)

throw in the regular complement snd then leave it totally up to her what she does or doesn’t do

btw i did a half marathon size 18 no training took me 5/6 hours it was life changing for my mentality- so no negativity from you ever !

Have you heard any horror stories about obesity-related illness and death? I have.

I did Mounjaro for five months last year. It gave me a leg-up and helped me get down to a point where I didn’t feel like shit all the time, exercise didn’t hurt like hell and I didn’t feel humiliated doing it. I’ve been off Mounjaro since November and have carried on losing weight, albeit more slowly. I’m 6 stone lighter and a completely different person. I’m never going back.

Your wife sounds stuck, and miserable. You sound intelligent and well-meaning and you clearly love her, but you don’t understand obesity and you don’t understand why she can’t just “do it”. Unfortunately, living with someone who is fit and active and doesn’t understand why you can’t just “do it” is utterly soul-destroying, and it will make it even harder for her to make changes.

I think you should consider supporting her to try WLI if she is amenable to the idea. In the meantime, I think you should stop trying to help with diet and exercise, stop reacting to the moaning (I know it’s wearing!) and just give her lots of love, acceptance and reassurance. She needs to be ready to make a complete lifestyle change, and she has to be in the best possible place emotionally to do that.

Opps soz didnt mean to quote

There is nothing that you can do until she decides to do it for herself. But once she does decide then support the hell out of her. Don't buy ANY treats or snacks. Meat and veg dinners. Weekend activities that involve lots of walking.

I can tell you what I would appreciate in my house but she might feel too controlling.

Could you do it with her? Take the lead - go out for long walks and jobs with her. You mentioned running so you must be fit enough to push baby in a pram?

Meal plan together - realistically, with snacks built in. every Sunday, plan in when you are both going to exercise and what you’ll eat and write in down. Take the lead with the plan.

So did you or did you not have a go at me for defending the op's wife??

People are salivating over him imo, I feel for her and have defended her

I mean - we're all online for the chat really, i dont see why I shouldn't engage when engaged with

If you didnt want me to respond, there was no need to quote me 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

All the best girl

I’m similar to your wife, I think about my weight (size 16) several times a day but do little about it. I have a stressful, all-encompassing job, and a family. There are so many calls on my time and sanity that they compete for importance in my head and I sit and doomscroll to escape. I cannot prioritise exercise and am always thinking about food. Honestly it’s weirdly exhausting.

I know exactly what to eat and what to do, I lack the motivation and the will to prioritise myself over the lists in my head of things I ‘should’ be doing.

I don’t say all this as excuses, just may be similar to what’s going on in your wife’s head.

I need a hefty dose of therapy I expect, and a friend to exercise with and a permanently clean house so that I can’t use that as an excuse not to start 😂

I’m taking Rybelsus for weight loss. I got it for pcos. I’m a size 12 and need to lose 2 stone. Might this be a possibility for your wife? It’s a bit cheaper than the injections. She might be able to get it prescribed…

I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling

I take on all the housework, all the life admin, and all the unseen stuff she probably doesn't even realise and do as much as I can with our sonI take on all the housework, all the life admin, and all the unseen stuff she probably doesn't even realise and do as much as I can with our son…

If you think she’s doing a great job then you seriously need to raise your standards.

You’re in a difficult situation. I don’t think you were wrong to say what you said. If your spouse can’t be honest with you, who can? Could she have a food addiction? It really sounds that way. Her aches and pains would absolutely go away if she lost the weight.

If she is size 22 it is going to be harder for her to exercise than if she was skinny so cut her some slack. It feels a lot different lugging around an extra 4 stone than it does a few pounds (I say this from personal experience). I’d imagine she’s overwhelmed at the thought of the task ahead. My recommendation would be suggesting she joins some sort of group, like a walking group or a badminton group or anything really but as long as the abilities are very mixed so she doesn’t feel out of her depth. The commitment to meeting people each time will encourage her to show up and she will no doubt enjoy the social aspect!

My standards are high girl, hence my opinions - god forbid the op's wife rests a bit

And as I said, this isnt out of concern for her health imo, not with those complaints

Its lifechanging for those who struggle with weoght control.
Don't be one of those people who worry about "horror stories" when millions are on it and have had excellent results safely.
On balance her health is more at risk from obesity than a provem safe jab.
It will pay for itself with the amount that will be saved on snacks and food.
I think there is a problem with you attitude when you say YOU would rather her achieve it in tge way you approve of.
She has clearly tried and has not managed it with exercise and diet, support her with some medical.help and do not look down on her for it.

She's got more than enough support. She's clearly just lazy. I'd leave her tbh. I couldn't be with someone who would rather rot away on the sofa doom-scrolling than go for a walk with their baby.

This is great advice. Ask questions such as “what do you need from me to support you?” “What would it take for us to make this work?” Focus on worrying about her health and enjoyment of life rather than how she looks. I think you’ve had some unfair comments on here and think you sound very caring and supportive.

It will fix everything, I suggest being less judgemental and being more supportive financially