Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

Why did you tell her that? Did you do any serious reading around it (peer reviewed) before making that statement?

Your wife has an illness - obesity. Encourage her to get the medicine to treat it. She may need to stay on it long term, but it will change her life.

I found the drug saved me money overall as I spent far less on food, so the financial aspect may not be the issue you think it is.

She sounds like an excellent candidate for Mounjaro. I’m on it and have lost four and a half stone in eight months and am still going. As others have said, it’s not a case of continue to eat cheeseburgers and magically lose weight. You have to absolutely go into a calorie deficit and completely overhaul your eating habits. It’s just a very powerful tool to help you do that. The consistency it helps you achieve is extremely motivating and keeps you focused. I would never have believed my own results as the mountain always seemed to big to climb.

She has to want to do it herself though and it might take her some time to work up to it. It did me. Check out some of the WLI threads here or the Mounjaro UK Reddit forums are good. Full of wise advice and inspiring success stories, complete with photos. Some of the transformations are astounding.

I'm not blowing smoke up anyone's arse

If she were here asking for advice, i'd be giving it

But from the op, its clear this man is here to have a moan

Dont we all have body insecurities - moaning about them here and there is one of lifes privileges

We dont all have a husband who secretly is upset about your body, thinks youre not active enough and is happy for other women to slag you off online!!

You are salivating over him

Get a grip

Definitely all of this.

Ok so i will go off the many posts on here that have used it as a miracle cure, not necessarily have adopted a healthier eating but have downsized and erm not upped the physical element. Dont try and edumacate me........

All the studies show that obesity has a massive genetic component & is a disease that needs to be treated like any other. So your argument doesn't ring true. If it did it would follow that every single person who is slim has wonderful willpower. Just not true !

Agreeing with someone’s point of view means you’re salivating over them? You sound demented.

You say she's only taken the baby out for a walk in the pram once?!

I find that pretty hard to believe. It's not that unusual if you've carried a human being inside your body to still have some weight on 6 months after birth.

If she wants to do a half marathon she's dreaming though. Not with her current motivation. But she's clearly hoping to do some exercise. Could you go running with her? Get a babysitter?
Or if she joins a running club make sure you're free to cover childcare.

Other than that, you say you fancy her and sex is still good. So bar just saying 'I'll pay for you to have either WLI indefinitely or bariatric surgery' you have to just let her get on with it.

Does she have hobbies? A job?

This 100%

I agree. And some of the replies here are absolutely brutal. Pretty typical though.

Nah, shaming the wife and attacking a woman defending her is proof of your salivation at this man 😫😫😫

Youre someone who welcomes men into women's spaces with gusto, I can tell 😄

Stop saying salivating! Do you realise how daft you sound?

I went up from a 8/10 to a 16/18 during pregnancy and it took me 1 year to lose it all naturally - just living life. Give the woman a chance, she's probably still dragging her self around day to day due to sleep deprivation at 5 months. Poor thing! Do a few night shifts for her and see if her motivation shifts

Hi OP,

You're in a tricky position with your wife. I've been in her shoes.

On one hand I wanted DH to be my friend who would give me a push. On the other I wanted him to reassure me he thought I was perfect.

This is what I suggest the next time she moans or whatever.

Can we talk about this topic seriously because you keep bringing it up? I hate seeing you down on yourself. You're putting too much pressure. The baby is only six months old. Can't you put it all on ice until next year and then maybe we could train together for the half marathon and both get serious about our nutrition.

For now I'd just like us to focus on small improvements, I'd like to take walks together and plan meals. I want us to focus on being a healthier family.

If next year you decide mounjaro is the way to go we can work that into the budget.

What your wife will spend on Mounjaro, you and she would have spent on extra food, snacks and drinks that are unnecessary.

Find the budget for WLI.

It fixed my issues!

No food noise, so not constantly thinking about food/talking about food! No snacking, no cravings, I now feel full up when eating my meal, and stop eating.

My lifestyle has also changed, I can walk/exercise/run comfortably now. I no longer feel like I’m going to die, from being so overweight and unfit. My blood pressure/cholesterol etc. is now all within a healthy range and my sleep has improved dramatically.

Good luck to your wife.

@T92 dad's get a bashing on here so don't take anything personally. You sound like a great hands on dad and husband, as you should be, and it's ok to feel frustrated about this.

Go for the mounjaro. It does so much more than weight loss, it has changed my life.

Interestingly a couple of posters have said Excercise alone won't lose weight , this is true . If you excercse you will gain muscle which is heavier than fat .so potentially you could end up heavier (but leaner )
Add to this you increase your metabolism so burning off calories longer .

I put a couple of posts up a while ago "how can I shift my menopause middle" and was told cutting back on food alone won't solve it , SpotFat Reduction is nigh on impossible and you need weighbearing cardiac excercise .
I'm aware the OPs wife doesn't have Menopausal issues , she's PostNatal

So the two in conjunction Excercise+ Lower Calorie intake ,

From everything else you've said you sound like a really supportive partner. But please think again about this. Sometimes (?often) the underlying issue is a genetic tendency to find it harder to resist sugary and fatty foods. As I understand it the new medications do literally fix the issue, albeit only as long as you're taking them. Dr Giles Yeo explains this well & also has a longer series, "The Hunger Game" on BBC Sounds. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000rmp5?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile
Of course, medication does have to go alongside changes to diet and exercise, but often they make it possible, at least for the dietary aspect.
Thay your wife tries to make dietary changes and then abandons them may be testament to her genes "asserting" themselves. That she tries exercise and then gives up may be testament to how hard it is to exercise in a larger body. Does she experience pain, discomfort or embarrassment when she tries to exercise?
Going from no exercise to running a marathon does seem like a massive undertaking. How would she feel about something less ambitious, say walking half an hour a day? Would it be more realistic to work on maintenance, rather than weight loss while she's on mat leave, and then trying the meds when money is less tight? Is she eligible for weight management groups run by the council/NHS? These vary in quality but I think are generally better than weight watchers/slimming world type programs.

Tell i said have a magnum and relax - she deserves to be happy

God what is it with people enabling obesity? We don’t do it with any other medical condition.

The fact is, she isn’t happy. OP has stated that multiple times in his post.

She deserves to be healthy and her child deserves to have a healthy mother who doesn’t pass on unhealthy eating habits, negative self image and can chase them in the park.

🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤

He said she is generally happy with their baby but he is unhappy the lack of movement he perceives of her during her mat leave

He said that she complains about her weight

I mean so do most women. Lots of women also say 'do you still love me'

Theyre looking for assurance tbh

Yawn.

Funny thing about people saying that is losing weight by exercise l is the best way to lose weight. You gain muscle and tone your body. All these people losing weight on the jab but not making huge efforts with building muscle will end up with so much saggy skin they'll never be truly happy with their body. They'll need full body tucks and significant filler injections in their jowls