Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

I am defending her from the onslaught of women shaming her and salivating at her husband

So what shes relaxing, if she is - she deserves to after having given birth and facing the prospect of going back to work

She also deserves a husband who doesnt invite mumsnet to pile onto her?!

The worst guy in the office is always the one who complains about his wife to his female colleagues 🤢🤢

@mumofoneAloneandwell has someone pissed on your chips or are you just a sad and bitter man hater?

Well she is lazy.
She could walk every day if she wanted to but she chooses not to.

And yes of course she can take it easy but it’s HER that wants help to change.

What are you suggesting that OP does?
Just tell her to stop moaning?

I think you’re projecting as OP has come across as nothing but supportive.
In fact I think he’s being too nice, if this was a woman posting about her DH they wouldn’t hold back and neither would the replies.

But shes not happy and does nothing to try help herself???

Im not a fan of monjauro etc as ive heard so many people either have the gastro problems (3 people i personally know) or as soon as they stop, because its the most expensive thing to give up, they put weight back on; not all of the weight, but enough they are unhappy again.

Have you read the list of side effects/potential side effects ?

No one is shaming her, not salivating “at” her husband. She deserves to relax, certainly. Does she deserve to relax so much that she become obese, which will affect both her and her family? As PP have mentioned, if this was a woman posting about her husband, there would be few, if any posters defending him.

Get her on mounjaro pronto. As someone who has lost 8 stone and has been overweight all her adult life, I can honestly say it is LIFECHANGING. I've tried every diet going but only with the reduction of food noise have I been able to tackle the problems that have affected my life/health/lifestyle. Losing weight is hard so if you can afford it I would say GLP1 is the way to go. It levels the playing field and allows your brain to not be obsessing over food all the time. Miracle drug in my opinion.

I come from a fat family...but am not overweight, I exercise and don't overeat.
It's this whole watch genetics blah blah that makes people get away with being lazy.

It's miserable listening to someone constantly promise they're "going to change" and then just keep talking about it some more, and never do anything about it. Been on the receiving end of that one.

I sold my flat and moved cities (to somewhere I didn't like and was completely alien to me) to help support my partner as he was going to open his own business, and guess what, he never did.

I agree WLIs might be the way to go. Or the pills (Orlistat) I took, and lost three stone on them. But you have to change your mindset alongside. I always worked out, but didn't lose a pound doing so. Only completely overhauling my diet, alongside the Orlistat, worked.

I've never found anyone who lost weight through working out, alone. Especially not through walking. She needs to change her diet and her mindset.

And when you cant afford the maintenance dose anymore.?

Why don't you think they will work on her? Based on what?

Mounjaro will completely fix it. It will take away the food noise and enable her to switch to a healthy diet, lose weight and exercise.

it’s literally designed for people like your wife

I mean, according to the OP she's complaining about it. If she was so happy about her weight then stop moaning about it and crack open the Magnums!

Can you do something as a family - walks/swimming. Walks don’t need to be sold as exercise, just a visit to wherever. Comfy shoes is my top tip.
just get more active and have healthier food in the house.
make sustainable changes.

Briefly, she is unhappy and is using food to cope, she needs to develop better coping mechanisms and deal with her emotions (anger, anxiety, whatever)

She has gained weight because she eats too much beyond her hunger and physical need and cannot reduce her eating consistently long enough to have significant and sustained weightloss because eating is her coping crutch to deal with her feelings.

Some of the trauma and sadness will be from before you met and some will be new from her current life. You can defensively say i help her and she is happy, but clearly she isn't. She may not even realise what specifically she is unhappy about. If you ask her she may feel guilty and reassure you everything is fine or maybe it's too painful to open up.

She needs to get some sort of counselling either in group, online, or whatever form and style suitable for her. your role is to facilitate her private time to do the counselling.

The weight will fall off naturally without counting or measuring or deliberately restrictly anything when she isn't using food to deal with her feelings. Ideally this will be when the sadness is dealt with for good and a new better crutch or healthier coping mechanisms are developed and learnt and become her default reaction from practising them which takes months or years until it's her second nature reflex when she is sad or stressed rather than eating.

This takes time and she will revert to eating instead of say journaling and breathwork but you can't be making her feel judged about this its like watching a smoker give up or.an alcoholic they need to reframe and substitute and most of the time people lapse several times before they achieve lasting change.

I'm a normal woman who is a bit of a feminist

Wheres the female solidarity 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Why would that happen? Most people don't start earning less through their lives, they increase their income generally, and people maintain on mounjaro at the lowest and therefore cheapest possible dose. I don't see why anyone should stop being able to afford something they have budgeted for and find essential to health.

salivating at her husband

So not only do you hate men, but you also hate women who happen to agree with them?

Gosh.

I was a size 20/22 in January, I'm down to a 16/18 now. Your wife will feel sluggish and unhealthy at that weight. It's life on hard mode. It is genuinely easier day to day when you are lighter, eating better and more active.

Weight loss is primarily about diet. Exercise is good for health, but it's not a magic solution as won't compensate for overeating. She needs to be in calorie deficit for her body to lose weight. That's literally it.

I've found the Nutracheck app easy to use for calorie counting. There's no limit on what types of foods you eat either, can still have crisps and bread etc. if you like. You can set the rate of weight loss to even just half a pound a week, so it's not "dieting" in the sense of being starving - but recognise that at her size this has to be a long term adjustment of habits, not just a new hobby of parkrun. I'm expecting to be "on a diet" for another year at least to get to a healthy weight, and then still being conscious of diet basically forever after to maintain. Be realistic that it will take years.

I have also found consciously having a defined eating window (8 -10 hours) good for curbing appetite and improving digestion. It doesn't need to be restrictive "fasting".

Also, I agree with pp that actually setting/encouraging her with too ambitious fitness goals and and then not achieving them is going to be making things worse and making her feel rotten. Progress is motivating, even if that progress is slow.

Good luck. Weight and weight loss is so emotionally charged, just continue to be supportive and focus on her health rather than appearance.

Female solidarity does NOT involve blowing smoke up other women's arses simply because they are female.

Shes moaning about it but is generally happy

Imagine having an issue with your husband's body and going to the pub to ('ask how to support him') slag him off 😫😫😫😫😫

You clearly don't know much about GLP1 as your previous post demonstrates. You don't need the maintenance dose to maintain the loss. In my case I have taken it slowly and retrained my eating habits and upped physical activity. All under the guidance of my GP. I'm not naive and know that it will be an effort to keep it off but having tackled the weight loss I am determined to keep at target. For me it is a lifelong thing. Most people who regain weight resume their poor eating habits once off the jabs. Not sure why you're so critical of a drug that has helped lots of people. I'm concede that I have been fortunate to afford the jabs but their benefits are incredible.

I’ve known a few people who go from zero exercise to running/gym and then fail..too much too fast.
The best way to start is walking, brisk walking.

I think the only way you can support her to do this is to suggest a health kick for both of you. Luckily babies in prams are great for this.
I say this as someone who has gained and lost weight, it’s much easier to deal with small children when you can get on and off the floor easier.

Exercise is good and important. But won't do a whole lot for weight loss.

She needs to eat less calories. That's the only way. If she needs a jab to do that, then I think it's a fine, if expensive option.

WLI will enable to achieve a healthy lifestyle