Warning for younger mums about finances and career sacrifice in divorce

[DoctorMumDivorcee]

Getting divorced after 26 years. I gave up my career as a surgeon to raise the children and support my husband in his career. He earns four times my salary and can work remotely from anywhere. We have worked hard and built up businesses and renovated properties and made a significant amount doing this. He was always in charge of finances, completed self assessment tax forms for me, took my payslips, did household bills while I did kids renovated homes and kept my hand in working as a part time GP. I am 54 and have 13 years before I can start to receive our pension. I had expected the court to ask him to pay me some maintenance but he cleverly resigned from his job just as we decided to divorce so it now looks like I earn more than him. He has also spent a fortune in a very expensive lawyer and travelling the world with his new girlfriend. The court will not give this back to me as ‘add back’ and say the money has gone. I am posting because I want all you younger mums to be aware that if you give up a career you will not be supported. You might get child maintenance until youngest is 18 but spousal maintenance is much harder to get. Please don’t give financial control to your husbands. You must try to understand it and you can. I am understanding but now and realising what terrible investments my husband has made over the years - he always said I was useless and spent to much. Turns out it was the other way around!!

Naive.

And if it is bitter, so what?

Women are allowed to be bitter after being left high and dry.

It’s not naive, it’s real. Some men do, but not all. And you’ve let your bitterness get the better of you. It only hurts you. Not him.

What stands out to me is the expectation of an equivalent lifestyle and spousal maintenance. I think many expect this seeing marriage as a contract.

I was on the other side. A woman that had to work full-time as my ex wasn't prepared to and I could earn more. Then when we divorced I had to settle with him. He went hard for spousal maintenance and I got a good lawyer and saw him off. Didn't go to family court. Trust me going back to work and working in a high pressure job, felt like a bereavement (leaving those babies).

I did maintain my earning power but only because I had no choice. I had to work through cancer also as self employed.

Divorce is not easy.

This all day. Never become so financially dependent on a man that you’re trapped.

🙄

After €675k went ‘missing’ in my marriage, all gone, I think I should be pissed off.

I don’t suppose you’ve experienced the horror show of a divorce and abuse?

You seriously pulled out of an NHS pension, a senior medical professional and let him tell you that was a good idea? Oh my goodness. I ca only assume there was other forms of control at play.

I am 60, always had my own pension, always had my own pretty well paid job, know every single asset we have, where they are, how much they are. Most savings are in my name too as DH pays 45% tax and I am recently retired but not drawing my pension.

I have always drilled into DD AND DiL (married to my son) to keep your jobs and your pensions (one NHS one teachers pension) and do not be fooled into putting your own financial security on the back burner. I remind them both that DD and DS turned out OK and I worked full time.

I am so sorry he has done this to you. I hope his new woman spends all his money and leaves him alone old age.

My experience is if a husband who had a decent job but was made redundant and has been unable to work for 2 years. He is in his 50's so will probably retire before working again. I kept my career going and have been able to go from part time to almost full time to support us. We are separating but it's my choice and I don't have financial worries because of that. Life happens in lots of unexpected ways. Many of my friends who were SAHM's ( some who did look down on me when I went back to work) have had to take any minimum wage job or retrain after redundancy or divorce, despite them being highly educated. My pension is also decent. It's just one massive weight off my mind and something I don't regret at all. My children went to nursery/ childminders from 10 months. We are very close. They are polite, doing well at school and remember their childminder and their nursery teachers with great affection.

working as a part time GP. I am 54 and have 13 years before I can start to receive our pension.

So you can up your hours and work full time and pay more in to your pension?
Yes its shit, but people should not bank on sharing their twilight years supported by their partners. Its a bonus if you do, but its not guaranteed.

You'd be crazy to give up a job to raise children - but that was your decision, You are/were an adult.

Thanks for posting OP. I despair when women on MN are advised to "get married so you're secure financially". That's not how it works, unfortunately. The financial protection offered by marriage is insufficient. Women need a sufficient independent income.
Do. Not. Rely. On. A. Man.

You can rejoin the NHS pension now. That would be a good idea.

@Plera On the face of it seems harsh response. It is also very true.

I’m astonished that you would spend all those years studying to become a surgeon, only to give it up! I can understand women wanting to stay at home when the child is under 5, but as soon as they are at school you should be back at work. Relying on a man for money is very, very foolish.

I agree although this can also happen to women who do keep their careers going (usually while carrying the burden of family responsibilities too).
Many men will do anything to squirrel out of responsibilities for their own children, including maintenance and access. Never, ever underestimate how even your current living partner can change post separation. I guess that many posters were once married to loving partners and fathers.
Mine started off flaky but once he met the latest woman he left his job, then completely disappeared (even to the point of blocking his own children on his mobile and social media) so I cant "find" him to enforce maintenance. This is a number of years ago. Completely abandoned his (once much wanted) own children.
Honestly never underestimate the depths a man will plummet to post separation.

After my ex started an affair and wouldn’t leave the family home for 4 years as obviously she was just a ‘friend’, I was called a gold digger every single day, OW coming to the house screaming abuse, I’d used him as a meal ticket etc etc. I got an outstanding lawyer (family friend) and didn’t come out too badly. How these men can change overnight is staggering. 18 years later I feel a lot of those memories when my children were little are tainted even before the affair.

But you’re a part time GP? So go full time. You’ve not lost your career.

This.

Do. Not. Give. Up. Your. Career.

Someone I know has just been burnt in a similar way. She never went on the mortgage of the family home or several buy to let flats. In the process of divorcing and he is walking away with everything, as it's all in his name. In Scotland, this is legal. At 58, she is having to start over with nothing. Only works part time, as they have a son with SEN.

Not sure I have the stamina for full time GP but my aim here is not to complain about my situation it is more about letting other people know what goes on so they can make informed choices.

OMG. That's just terrible. How did she let that happen? That's legal in Scotland???

Good advice
Certainly no one should ever be relying on spousal maintenance, so easy for the spouse to avoid and in many ways a relic of the past
Women should always be able to support themselves

That seems odd
Some of it at least should be considered matrimonial property
Are they actually married ?

Thank you for posting the type of warning I wish was given to more women who post on here about divorce and childcare. I fully appreciate you cannot make a parent do 50/50, but more women need to think what’s going to happen when the children are 18 and there’s no more child support.

This isn’t to say I’m unsympathetic to why people make those choices: my personal view is that our current model of needing two people to work full time to just survive is what is behind many of the issues faced by children and families. But you can see so many women putting themself into a position that is going to lead to even greater disadvantage as they age.

Society needs a huge overhaul to create a system that reflects the world today and stops systematically disadvantaging women and children.

I expect to be flamed, called naive, stupid or hear some terrible divorce stories but here we go.

This whole thread saddens me that it basically says men are fine to have children with, but not rely on. Maybe the real issue is we’re not shaming dead beat men as a society and instead expecting women to do it all. The OP was supported as a SAHM and her children are now grown, she’s also working, so it’s not the same as a man ditching you when the kids are small and you’re on the bare bones of your arse.

Some of us don’t want to put our kids in childcare and whilst it’s a risk, having children with someone is a risk at the best of times. Your husband could die, become disabled, terminally ill etc. You could end up with a child with complex needs where one of you has to stay off work due to lack of care provisions. A lot of areas in the country are also struggling for places for decent funded childcare.

It’s not as simple as ‘just stay in the work place no matter what’ especially when there’s a lack of flexible jobs. It also doesn’t make some of us happy even if it’s worked for other women. There’s no shame in putting your kids in childcare but for some of us, we don’t want to and shouldn’t be pressured especially during the early years. That’s not a choice at all.

We should be fighting for men to take more responsibility for their shitty actions if they neglect their family. Not women constantly having to do all the work all the time in case he decides to leave.

UK courts have moved towards reasonable needs when it comes for paying for exes, of either sex. It’s not ‘lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to’.

Furthermore, unless you are divorcing someone with integrity, they can do all sorts of things to really screw you up. In my case, my ex dragged us all the way to trial and he just never paid child support or spouse or maintenance. I could get some of the child support back but pursuing money lost was just impossible, unless you engage lawyers and go through a court process which in its own right is extremely expensive.

A man or a woman need to act really badly and on multiple occasions before any court will slap them on the wrist. Most of your court engagement is not trial but rather in hearings and in these cases the judge is not really testing evidence in a deep way.

The OP is absolutely right. I have always had my own money and I have always worked. And the person he told me to always keep my own money? My father. He used to say always keep a ‘get lost’ fund say that if you’re in a job you hate or a relationship, or some sudden issue, you always have financial security

@MightyDandelionEsq
That's not the current reality though. Rely on a man at your own peril.