Warning for younger mums about finances and career sacrifice in divorce

[DoctorMumDivorcee]

Getting divorced after 26 years. I gave up my career as a surgeon to raise the children and support my husband in his career. He earns four times my salary and can work remotely from anywhere. We have worked hard and built up businesses and renovated properties and made a significant amount doing this. He was always in charge of finances, completed self assessment tax forms for me, took my payslips, did household bills while I did kids renovated homes and kept my hand in working as a part time GP. I am 54 and have 13 years before I can start to receive our pension. I had expected the court to ask him to pay me some maintenance but he cleverly resigned from his job just as we decided to divorce so it now looks like I earn more than him. He has also spent a fortune in a very expensive lawyer and travelling the world with his new girlfriend. The court will not give this back to me as ‘add back’ and say the money has gone. I am posting because I want all you younger mums to be aware that if you give up a career you will not be supported. You might get child maintenance until youngest is 18 but spousal maintenance is much harder to get. Please don’t give financial control to your husbands. You must try to understand it and you can. I am understanding but now and realising what terrible investments my husband has made over the years - he always said I was useless and spent to much. Turns out it was the other way around!!

Although I think the idea of people expecting spousal maintenance or that an ex should be obliged to remain in their job to support their former wife is a crazy idea, as someone who also suffered due to not asserting myself/leaving sooner in my first relationship, I appreciate the message you’re trying to give to younger women about the choices they make. I hear of women giving up careers as makes it easier for everyone else or see women working exhausted up until the last minute of their pregnancy or friends burning themselves out working during school hours then coming home and often juggling further wfh with the kids for the sake of paying for the extra childcare just so the family has the extra money to go on holiday or some other luxury. Actually saying no to all this does not make for unhappier children, women do need to stop being such martyrs. I was the same as a young mother in my 20s, my children get far more out of me being a happier non burnt out mother than trying to give them everything

I think, perhaps, it might be better to let go of the idea that you would have been a consultant surgeon. Yes you were on that path but did, ultimately, choose to step away.

I held senior teaching positions and could have been a headteacher. I was certainly on that path. But ultimately I chose not to continue teaching and my life, overall, has been far happier as a result.

At some point we have to make peace with our decisions.

Anyone who thinks the courts are helpful in this situation, they’re not, in the experience of my friend. Her husband squandered hundreds of thousands of pounds in cash, strung out the divorce, costing more in legal fees and she was left with very little. He waited until the kids were 18 to bugger off with a younger woman.

All my friends who have got divorced did not get 50% because all their fucking awful ex husbands made sure the only way the divorce could be done in a timely manner was to accept less than they were owed. And my friends had to make the decision to drag it out and all the associated costs of that or to take the offer to get the break. They had all had career breaks and part time working because of bringing up dc and circumstances out of their control too, as have I and most of us I imagine when we get to late 30s/40s.

So totally agree you should never choose to give up work, you should be thinking about how you would be able to support your family alone and plan the size of family accordingly, you should be thinking about pensions from a young age (I only started really thinking in my 40s so I’ve lots of catching up to do) and most importantly do not settle for a shit male partner - yes men change and become shit but if you’ve even a 1% concern this man is shit it’s not worth attaching your life and finances to him.

Your update still doesn’t justify why you think your ex should pay spousal rather than you work full time.

your career sacrifice and pt status should be compensated through asset division. Then you should work ft

This comes up a lot. It can not be said enough.

Never let yourself become financially dependent on someone else!!

The years of having a dependent child are (usually) relatively short compared to a working life.

They can’t…. He has pissed away the assets

The thread doesn’t say there’s no assets

it says

he’s given up work so no income
ges spending money on expensive laywers
hes don’t money on his girlfriend which op can’t get back
everything is in his name ( still a marital
asset)

it doesn’t say there’s zero assets
( of course that might be the case but not stated explicitly)

You cant go through life without ever planning your financial future, but to expect men to specifically plan for your financial future? , it feels like a weaponsation of dependence in the same way that men can weaponize incompetence.They're both dangerous. Actually, I can't understand the logic, because the central premises that your husband has responsibility for your financial future. But that's not many think that's not true. That's a kind of a bit of a cop-out. It means that the decisions that you make are on him and the decision team makes are also on him.But what about your responsibility to yourself?And to your children, looking after your kids, cleaning the house.Cooking is one aspect of it being able to provide a home food and supporting a household is the other aspect of it.That's why it's kind of fifty fifty split when the assets are divided because they're both things that need to be done.But it doesn't mean that you suddenly are not responsible for yourself financially.I don't get it.

We aren't talking about shared care. The kinds of men who earn good money by travelling internationally for work don't do shared care. They can't without changing their job and most aren't willing to do that.

@UltimateSloth I wonder why a woman would choose a man earning good money by travelling internationally for work?
I guess for the £.
But then don't complain if he is unable to share the childcare!

I do kind of agree with this. Sometimes I wish I'd done the same! Less hassle!

Well in my case he didn't earn like that when we met. The travelling came later, once I'd already had his children and without any discussion and continued despite my objections.

Then he had an affair and left me with several children. As I said, I got good CM by most standards, but it's still only the equivalent of having a second adult with a part time job in the household. The majority of the money is earned by me. Meanwhile he retained over 80% of his salary.

I'm not saying oh poor me. What in trying to say and the point the OP is making is that being a SAHM is a dangerous thing, even within a marriage. No matter how much your husband earns, if he leaves then you'll suffer financially if you can't get a decent job (and even if you can, you'll have a gap in your pension and your earnings potential). I was never a SAHM and I am thankful daily for it, because I'd be up shit creek now if I were. CM even from a high earner likely won't be enough to run your household and spousal maintenance now is very rare unless there are exceptional circumstances such as significant disability.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that when a marriage breaks down and divorce happens, women focus on children, stability and ensuring they are ok and men get a new hobby and girlfriend fairly swiftly and focus on their money and ensuring they have as much as possible, children breathe air after all and it’s free. So said Jane Austen.

Huge hugs op, I regret leaving my kind of decent job when my third was born but then don’t as I had a few years with the kids and no commute now I’m on mw. It’s all so hard. Hope things get easier for you x

Maybe some people need reminding of this but it’s always been blindingly obvious to me. I’ve never wanted to get married or join finances with anyone. Everyone should prioritise their individual financial stability, and I don’t really have any sympathy for people who think that means living off someone else.

@thesealion It is absolutely possible to marry but retain completely separate finances. It what we do.

It all changes in divorce though. Everything is on the table

@Dollysleftnip I've also been divorced.

If you’re the higher earner & have independent assets/money, don’t get married.

@Hallywally I agree. But lots of women aspire to marrying rich men and giving up work, regardless of how welll they can earn independently.
Do these men feel the same way?

Hey, I tell you something working in a male-dominated interestry in finance. They really do not think that way. And actually what I have noticed is in the male forums, which I do visit to see what my colleagues are up to. There is a large education programme. I would call it going the opposite way in exact different difference to what's happening with women in which men are really looking at this financial aspect. And moving away from having a stay at home wife as being something that's even desirable. what shocks me is the level of distain from older men about what has happened to them.But I do think that the older generation of men really underweight, what it takes to run a house, and I think it's unreasonable to expect that you've been married to someone save for fifteen years.And that you shouldn't divide everything you have until that point fifty fifty.I think that's wrong.And I think actually increasingly, the problem is fifty fifty doesn't actually cover the women's future.And it's a shock right?Because there's been a fundamental misunderstanding about how much money they actually have.Simply because they've never earned any.So their whole life is based on what he can do not what they can do.That's very scary.

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme My DD earns double what her future husband does and they are both high earners. I suspect he admires her for earning a lot. It opens up a very nice life so what’s wrong with aspiring to that?

This is such an interesting thread! I think the thing is, that many men just underestimate how much they have gained if they have never or rarely had to think about

childcare
school or nursery pick ups
book bags
homework
food shopping
cleaning
cooking
household admin which is boring as shit but someone's got to do it
getting up at night with a baby or child
the million and 1 other things associated with kids

If all you have to do is work and provide the cash, well that's a piece of piss, frankly. And men who don't have to think about all the above (I'm not saying it's all of them) just will find it easier to progress in their careers, let's face it, that's pretty obvious. As will single / childless women. Or women who pay for a lot of help with all of the above.

If as a couple, you jointly agree that one partner will pick up all the above responsibilities, so that the other can earn well then it really isn't fair if, once all that child rearing is done, the SAHP (of either sex) says fuck that and fuck you and sails off into the sunset and leaves the SAHP broke. Why should they take all the benefit, having had none of the downsides (pension loss, career loss)?

It's no good saying "we should hold men to account" but the courts won't. So any sensible woman now would carry on working IMO. Because even the best man can decide to up and leave.