Warning for younger mums about finances and career sacrifice in divorce

[DoctorMumDivorcee]

Getting divorced after 26 years. I gave up my career as a surgeon to raise the children and support my husband in his career. He earns four times my salary and can work remotely from anywhere. We have worked hard and built up businesses and renovated properties and made a significant amount doing this. He was always in charge of finances, completed self assessment tax forms for me, took my payslips, did household bills while I did kids renovated homes and kept my hand in working as a part time GP. I am 54 and have 13 years before I can start to receive our pension. I had expected the court to ask him to pay me some maintenance but he cleverly resigned from his job just as we decided to divorce so it now looks like I earn more than him. He has also spent a fortune in a very expensive lawyer and travelling the world with his new girlfriend. The court will not give this back to me as ‘add back’ and say the money has gone. I am posting because I want all you younger mums to be aware that if you give up a career you will not be supported. You might get child maintenance until youngest is 18 but spousal maintenance is much harder to get. Please don’t give financial control to your husbands. You must try to understand it and you can. I am understanding but now and realising what terrible investments my husband has made over the years - he always said I was useless and spent to much. Turns out it was the other way around!!

I wasn't a surgeon, but apart from that, I could have written this. The "perfect" husband, who couldn't possibly cheat ... did just that. And left me high and dry. Tried to throw our children out of our home. Told us, that our 16 Yr old could sofa surf, so he could set up home with his mistress. I'll never trust a man again.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it.

I think many, many people wouldn't marry if it wasn't for the drive to have children.

Hence this loneliness pandemic of their own making

@Dollysleftnip I was far lonelier in my (first) marriage than I ever was on my own.

Some people are
When faced with doing the work, becoming a better partner and person some people either remain alone or kill themselves

They should. That’s the whole point.

I hope I'm misreading you but you appear to equate being lonely and even suicide with not being prepared to work at being a better partner and a better person?

You’re not misreading

Then I'm sorry if this offends, but if you think being lonely in a relationship is a result of not being prepared to work at being "a better peron"*, and that feeling suicidal is a result of not being prepared to work at being "a batter partner", then that is probably one of the nastiest things I've ever seen written on a forum.

*Not forgetting that "a better partner" to a narcissist or sociopath will invariably mean physical or coercive abuse. And what does "a better person" even mean? Again, to a narcissist or sociopath, that will mean "a doormat".

You don’t sound very sorry to offend anybody.
If you’ve been affected by it, then I feel sorry for you.

your edited comment an update has nothing to do with the comments that I left or indeed the conversation as a whole.
You’ve gone down a rabbit hole and lost your direction completely.
Perhaps start a new thread on the subject that you’d like to discuss ?

I just thought what you wrote was vile and wonder what kind of a person you could be to think it, never mind to write it on a form full of threads about abusive relationships.

Absolutely yes. So many of us women pour ourselves into our husbands and our relationships and lose ourselves and often our careers. I know it's not as commona anymore but I personally know many women who have done this. I have also been with my husband for 26 years, married for 25 of those. I'm 47. I've decided to get myself back out there in terms of friendship hobbies and although I do work and have my own business I've definitely lost myself somewhere along the way and been too much of a follower to him.

@Imdunfer You are absolutely right. As a victim of coercive control within my first marriage, I felt this appalling post didn't warrant my response.
I am incredibly proud of finding the courage to leave, finding my feet again and also finding a man (finally!) who fully respects me and my family.
I stand with any woman (or man) who makes the very brave choice to leave an abusive relationship ❤️

With respect you have completely got the wrong end of the stick.
It was a criticism of those inflicting the abuse not those being abused.
I didn’t realise that she’d got the wrong end of the stick until she expanded on her post.
I do stand by the comment that those who commit suicide or complain of being lonely that they can’t find a partner rather than doing the work to fix themselves, is being entirely self-inflicted if you’re going to go around abusing people.