Warning for younger mums about finances and career sacrifice in divorce

[DoctorMumDivorcee]

Getting divorced after 26 years. I gave up my career as a surgeon to raise the children and support my husband in his career. He earns four times my salary and can work remotely from anywhere. We have worked hard and built up businesses and renovated properties and made a significant amount doing this. He was always in charge of finances, completed self assessment tax forms for me, took my payslips, did household bills while I did kids renovated homes and kept my hand in working as a part time GP. I am 54 and have 13 years before I can start to receive our pension. I had expected the court to ask him to pay me some maintenance but he cleverly resigned from his job just as we decided to divorce so it now looks like I earn more than him. He has also spent a fortune in a very expensive lawyer and travelling the world with his new girlfriend. The court will not give this back to me as ‘add back’ and say the money has gone. I am posting because I want all you younger mums to be aware that if you give up a career you will not be supported. You might get child maintenance until youngest is 18 but spousal maintenance is much harder to get. Please don’t give financial control to your husbands. You must try to understand it and you can. I am understanding but now and realising what terrible investments my husband has made over the years - he always said I was useless and spent to much. Turns out it was the other way around!!

Thanks for the warning and I am sire there are women who will benefit. Although I find it a bit strange that in this day and age some women still do the above (you were married a ling time). I have a better job than my partner and he will be going part time for the kids. Bills are split proportional to income. If I had to stop working I made it clear I want money separately that will be for me (just as he will have his if going part-time or not working) so that I can save and not be financially dependent. We both keep out individual accounts and shared accounts. If we got married, there would be a prenup.

I am sorry you are going through this - it is well known these days most men act like this and don’t care about their children very much. Half of the assets are still yours regardless of earnings and if you were to move out he would need to buy you a home that is at equivalent lifestyle. You will be ok!

I’m sorry to hear this happened to you OP. This is a good warning for anyone considering giving up/ thinking of cutting down hours indefinitely to hear. The saddest part is how some you thought you knew and loved can chsnge so much from who you thought they were, I’m sure you never imagined he could treat you like this.

A friend gave up work to be a sahm, she broke up with her high earning husband within a year and he too quit his job so he didn’t have to pay maintenance and to give her as little assets as possible. Managed to find a new job as soon as the divorce came through though! What a shit.

I hope things work out for you OP.

and if you were to move out he would need to buy you a home that is at equivalent lifestyle

It doesn't quite work like this. If during a divorce assets are hidden or just not declared then a judge will make an award based on what's there. Given assets will be split it's unlikely anyone woman will have the equivalent lifestyle.

Op, Very sensible to advise people, most men who leave through affairs (or have been manipulative during a marriage) will do whatever to maximise income/assets for themselves and the law doesn't protect women who trusted their former spouses. It's the harsh reality but when men end a marriage, especially if it's due to an affair they treat the divorce as a business deal that they need to win.

Always protect your income raising abilities and ensure you have equal pension savings

My (high earning) dad quit his job to prevent him from paying my mum increased maintenance. Among many impacts of my parents’ divorce, a key financial lesson I learned was never to rely on a man for money.

Some of the unhappiest women I know are those with husbands they would like to leave but have left themselves too financially vulnerable to do so.

why would you get spousal maintenance ? Assuming kids are older if married 26yrs year and have up career while little

yes much harder finding a job after years of not working - but no reason why you /any divorcee can’t find a job

yes obv pay towards kids and I do think previous tax returns should be included along with cms claims - so that they can’t give stop working /become self employed

but it isn’t the man’s role /job - if that’s the right word - to support you as as adult esp if kids are at school /older

but obviously don’t let them take charge of finances for years

I would say never trust a man. They are capable of anything.

They hate losing and this extends to divorce settlements.

Many don’t love their kids like women do.

Always be financially independent. Don’t aspire to be a SAHM.

I inwardly cringed on behalf of some of my friends who gave up well established careers to be a SAHM “because you never get those years back” and “I’m not paying someone else to bring up my kids” and decided to rely completely on their husbands who they 100% knew would never leave or treat them badly. Sigh.

One ‘friend’ told me I would live to regret selfishly working full-time and sending my DC to a childminder (the day before I returned to work after having DC1 she forwarded me an article on the irreversible harm caused to children who go to childcare which was lovely of her).

Fast forward just over a decade and some of those rock solid marriages have floundered: either ended in divorce with the husband behaving per previous posts by hiding assets or in a couple of cases my SAMH friends are stuck in marriages with an absolutely vile and abusive ‘D’H because they cannot afford to leave.

I will drum into my DD:

Do not become financially dependent on a man if you can avoid it.

Do NOT give up a career out of fear that your DC will suffer if you are not caring for them 24/7 (incidentally my DD grew to absolutely adore her childminder and is in still in contact with her many years after leaving her care).

Do not fall into the trap of thinking childcare costs are yours alone to bear so “it doesn’t make financial sense to work”

Do not trust your husband to behave decently in the event of a divorce.

If you are a stay at home parent you get to see the children but miss out on pension contributions, career progression, pay rises and the ability to save independently. The other person doesn't. Once the children grow up. All the unpaid work and time can easily be forgotten and the person who earned the salary thinks it was entirely their hard work which brought in the money.

When both parents work full time. Neither get to see much of the children, child care costs can be very high, wrap around care and holiday clubs have to be organized and paid for. The weekends have to be spent doing chores. Parents have to share time taken off for sick children, appointments and schools events. Promotions have to be agonised over because no one has the spare time or mental capacity to deal with more responsibility. Promotions are also not as frequently offered to people with childcare responsibilities. It is fair in both people in the marriage in terms of finances and status. But also harder for everyone in the family including the children. It is hardly surprising that increasing number of people aren't having children.

I hear you, I’m sorry this happened to you. Very often mums also take career breaks and go part time eg 2 years maternity leave and then back for 5 years working 2 days a week. This also has a huge hit on pension. Working 2 days a week you pay in much less than someone working 5 days a week. And also you don’t get a full year credit but 40% so the knock on is you have to earn for 2 years plus to get credit of one year as pension and that is less and you lose also in terms of promotion and bonuses. Meanwhile he earns more and full time and his pension rapidly accrues.

My ex husband emptied out joint current account twenty years ago £16 K gone overnight courts considered it ‘spent with consent’. I was fortunately in a higher paying job than him (same career) but he was and still is pretty useless at it. I had two ND children to raise and he had two lovely child free weeks to cycle and had them every other Saturday night until Sunday - one sodding night! He also had to pay CMS but used another trick of buying back multiple years and doubling his pension contribution to reduce his CMS which was successful. He was awarded just over 52 nights a year by court order (holidays) but frequently never turned up reducing them to less than 28 days a year, when I reported this to CMS that he had them less than one night a week they would not action as the court order fixed the days and that’s what they went on appealed it several times.

Women get screwed.

My husband knew my exes treatment of me and money and the very first thing he did (he’s wealthier than me) is make everything joint and set up savings solely in my name this is so that things are even - money is not control. I choose to be with him.

You gave up a career as a SURGEON?? And let him take your pay slips and control all the money? Girlll

Do not expect the court to reward you an equivalent lifestyle - they do not do this especially when your husband uses voluntary underemployment and spends assets on a very expensive legal team so the assets disappear fast. I was extremely lucky to have a career still (albeit not a consultant surgeon) I have had funds to fight and demand he discloses finances. I discovered everything was in his name. He pulled me out of NHS pension shortly after I had treatment for breast cancer telling me this was best. I trusted him because he worked in financial services - massive mistake in my part! Well done ladies if you are maintaining your financial independence. I wish I had!

Absolutely.
I'm an intelligent woman. I thought I was married to the very best of men.
Never, ever allow yourself to be financially vulnerable. Even the best of men can be cowardly, selfish shits.

30 years together counts for very little. He walks away with a salary that dwarfs mine. Yes, the children are grown, but they still need somewhere to live and that's on me.

It would be unusual to not be able to access a private pension until 67…? Are you sure about this - it may be a lot sooner.

But yes, I agree women should be cautious about giving up their financial independence as you never know what is around the corner.

I think expecting spousal maintenance after the children are grown up is unrealistic in any scenario really however - expecting to support a former partner permanently after divorce in the absence of any children… seems quite extreme.

Yes I agree with you.
Post divorce, over a decade on, we are still in private rental. Despite working very hard, there is no way of affording a mortgage. My ex-husband's property is worth around one million.
But...
I am so very grateful I never gave up my career despite him pushing for that. All that would have resulted in would have been further control and difficulty.
I can't believe women choose to leave themselves so very vulnerable by giving up work.

I would also add in those circumstances that the working spouse top up the non working or part time spouse’s pension as much as possible/allowable. I’ll admit I don’t manage my pension, he does. But I can see the balance and that it is in my name!

She was a surgeon, she gave up her career to support his & raise kids for free. She also did up houses & he's used all HER money cheating on her. Men tell men how to scam women. Men truely hate us & all wear masks.

I learned from my mum's experience. She was the professional when she married my dad, he was a labourer. But she stayed at home (worked nights in a factory to make a bit of extra money) with us when we were children. When my parents divorced, she did get half of the value of the house, but our dad never paid child support. He and his new wife threatened to try to get custody of my sister and I if she tried to get financial support. As a result, we grew up in poverty, private rental and eventually a council flat.

I always worked when I was married and as a result am actually in a better financial position than my ExDH. Not because I earn more, but because he's profligate with money.

Childcare costs £1700 a month. He owes her £20,000 for each year she raised his kids (grave underestimate not including cooking, cleaning, PA). 13 years of childcare is £265,000.

You do. Tho also divorce also means wife gets half husbands pension

expecting to support a former partner permanently after divorce in the absence of any children

The idea of SM is that there is an opportunity for the SAHM to have top up of income whilst trying to get back into a role that will enable them to be self funded. It isn't usually long-term, just a few years but helps to soften the transition. It's should be renamed, SAHM redundancy payout!

I agree op. I am sorry to read your experience. We put our trust in the wrong people. However …….

”Can’t imagine why any modern woman would allow this to happen.” Etc etc. Very simplistic perspectives being spouted here.

My ex was highly abusive. Controlled everything. Including finances. If I made enquiries or tried to share responsibility, he would scream in my face.

And of course he was not like this in the beginning before anyone asks that. Four kids later and a lame career has left me and the Dcs in dire financial straits. And poverty for me into old age.

My advice would be don’t get married. Keep everything that is yours for you and any dcs you might have.

Never ever trust a man with your money from the very beginning. Never stop working. Too many horror stories out there.

Also when SAHPs become SAHPs it’s usually as a result of an agreement between two people.

If a divorce happens, the SAHP really suffers and posters on MN seem to be so scornful of any help directed their way to help them Back on their feet. It’s pathetic and spiteful.

After a long marriage and in your 50’s there are a lot of careers that are not open to you. In addition you are not as physically resilient as you are in your younger years. I suppose I thought marriage is a contract and that given I had sacrificed my career we would share in the finances eg add salaries and divide by two just as we both expect equal time with our now grown up children. That’s not the case though and I want younger women to be aware about it and fully informed about the decisions you make. There’s a lot of negative narratives around divorcing women - ‘money grabbing’ ‘greedy’ ‘ taking him to the cleaners’ but the statistics show that on average women are 40% less well off post divorce and men are 10% better off. A lot of women fall into poverty. There is also a lot of secrecy around family court and it might be good for women to start posting (anonymously) about their experiences.

That’s just a really odd bitter post. She didn’t raise kids for free, they are her children, try not to forget that. And no men don’t all hate us, what an odd thing, yes some marriages end in divorce and it is acrimonious like this one, but no all men don’t secretly hate women and wear masks.

Hear hear.

Women have in good faith agreed with their spouses to stay home and look after dcs to save nursery fees or to be there consistently.

Then when their husband has an affair or whatever, the women are labelled as money grabbing when they need help to get back on their financial feet.

It’s disgusting.