NC for obvious reasons.
5 years ago, my family and one of my friends’ families moved to the same village at the same time. We’d been very close friends for years, but almost immediately after moving, she became cold and distant for reasons I never understood. When I asked if I’d upset her, she became very defensive and angry, and asked me to leave her house. We somewhat recovered from this but I remained in the dark and didn't dare broach the topic again. I did subsequently hear that she had previously and publicly shared her regret that our families were living in the same village and I think this was the nub of it.
Since then, there’s been a long pattern of mixed signals: excluding my children from events while including others, ignoring messages for months, then acting publicly as though we were still close and asking to meet up — only to ignore me again.
Over time I have had to quietly accept the friendship has changed. Ive built other (and closer) friendships but then last year she started to accuse me of “cancelling” her.
Last summer, while at her house for a rare coffee, I seemingly and unknowingly offended her in normal conversation - she suddenly told me to f* off and gave me the middle finger in front of her child. Her rage was palpable and totally OTT. I apologised anyway and tried to smooth things over. I feel I betrayed myself in doing this but I was so stunned I didn't know how else to react in the moment. However, some subsequent time apart, gave me a chance to properly reflect on what i wanted going forward but now she’s back and pushing to reconnect again, 1:1. I did try and say "oh catch you at so and so" and keep it light but she has persisted so Ive had to bite the bullet. Ive kindly messaged her saying I think it’s best if we dont meet 1:1 given the longstanding tensions but to socialise more in a group context, given our mutual friends, who remain largely unaware. As soon as i sent the message, her DH contacted my DH wanting to talk today or tomorrow. I now feel bad for DH.
I genuinely don’t understand why someone who seemed not to want me around for years is now so upset that I no longer want a close friendship. What am I missing? Am I being unreasonable for wanting distance from someone I no longer feel emotionally safe with? And how would others navigate this in a village with lots of mutual friends and overlaps? I don't want to be sucked back into the same vicious cycle and treading on eggshells for someone who has treated me pretty badly over the years to safeguard everyone's feelings whilst sacrificing my own