Am I wrong to keep distance from a difficult friendship?

[HowdoIsolvethis]

NC for obvious reasons.

5 years ago, my family and one of my friends’ families moved to the same village at the same time. We’d been very close friends for years, but almost immediately after moving, she became cold and distant for reasons I never understood. When I asked if I’d upset her, she became very defensive and angry, and asked me to leave her house. We somewhat recovered from this but I remained in the dark and didn't dare broach the topic again. I did subsequently hear that she had previously and publicly shared her regret that our families were living in the same village and I think this was the nub of it.

Since then, there’s been a long pattern of mixed signals: excluding my children from events while including others, ignoring messages for months, then acting publicly as though we were still close and asking to meet up — only to ignore me again.

Over time I have had to quietly accept the friendship has changed. Ive built other (and closer) friendships but then last year she started to accuse me of “cancelling” her.

Last summer, while at her house for a rare coffee, I seemingly and unknowingly offended her in normal conversation - she suddenly told me to f* off and gave me the middle finger in front of her child. Her rage was palpable and totally OTT. I apologised anyway and tried to smooth things over. I feel I betrayed myself in doing this but I was so stunned I didn't know how else to react in the moment. However, some subsequent time apart, gave me a chance to properly reflect on what i wanted going forward but now she’s back and pushing to reconnect again, 1:1. I did try and say "oh catch you at so and so" and keep it light but she has persisted so Ive had to bite the bullet. Ive kindly messaged her saying I think it’s best if we dont meet 1:1 given the longstanding tensions but to socialise more in a group context, given our mutual friends, who remain largely unaware. As soon as i sent the message, her DH contacted my DH wanting to talk today or tomorrow. I now feel bad for DH.

I genuinely don’t understand why someone who seemed not to want me around for years is now so upset that I no longer want a close friendship. What am I missing? Am I being unreasonable for wanting distance from someone I no longer feel emotionally safe with? And how would others navigate this in a village with lots of mutual friends and overlaps? I don't want to be sucked back into the same vicious cycle and treading on eggshells for someone who has treated me pretty badly over the years to safeguard everyone's feelings whilst sacrificing my own

In context to the post I asked to be removed my father made me read The Selfish Gene aged 15.

This part of the book always stuck with me and im
ever thankful to him.

Being a sucker benefits nobody. Neither does being a cheat.

I’ve lived my life as a grudger and it’s never let me down as a philosophy.

So the question OP is which tribe do you want to belong to (as it’s pretty clear which choice your “friend” has made).

Sorry to hear that @Ahwig it can take time to see the real person, especially the more involved we become with them. I would say that being estranged from family may not always be a red flag though and that early trauma can then cause people to make insecure attachments through their lives. Maybe this happened to your friend. I hear you though and it must have been very upsetting to receive such a letter.

@BreadInCaptivity you've introduced a really interesting angle here. I am an altruistic person, and, more often than not, a sucker. I see a need and think can I meet that need? If its a yes, then I do it and I'm genuinely glad to help. I don't think about if or how I'm going to be repaid until I do need help and then realise I'm on my own. This is a pattern that repeats itself and its had one good outcome in that I am self sufficient. It also makes me most people's first port of call.

I think its possibly that part of me that offends my friend...

Apologies again for the link.

I read the first half which explained the concept well but then…well turned into an utter pile of anti- woman tosh.

Lesson: read the article in full…

In all seriousness you say you are great at boundaries apart with some female friendships.

Shitty link aside being a “grudge” and considering if am I acting like a “cheat” or a “sucker” has helped me make good decisions through my life.

”I’ll treat you like a gentleman unless you prove me wrong” encapsulates the “grudgers” philosophy mentioned earlier. Pretty good principle to live by.

Maybe you are over estimating your “friend”?

I very much doubt she gives you as much headspace and reflection as you do her.

She will just take what you choose to give.

End it. Be done. Play Frozen “let it go” on repeat at high volume!!!!! 😂

They are just shitty people. Her behaviour and him
expecting to sort it out with your DH (how bloody arrogant and misogynistic!!!) doesn’t need explanation. They are simply people you don’t want in your life.

Note: link has been checked😂

DD will be delighted @BreadInCaptivity. She loves that song!

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I feel able to let myself off the hook and be unabashed when I see her next. Ive also got some thinking to do about why I let it get this far. Lives can be enmeshed but it doesnt mean we should be suckers and I should have made this call a lot sooner.

Maybe her DH wants to talk about her not you! Could she be bipolar or suffer from IED?

Very strange then. But some people are very strange.

A neighbour/friend of mine had this sort of, her DH was best friends with her DH but the friend and other friends didn’t like the wife. Because apparently she just wasn’t nice, she was called Amanda in Motherland. I did ask once (I don’t have kids) shouldn’t they try to get along, be friends and both women said a stern no. Then sadly the wife’s DH committed suicide out of the blue so the best friend and other wife have taken the wife on holiday with them (one couple moved abroad). The wives still don’t get on really but have to do so on this holiday. They have kids the same age too who are friends. And this woman never did anything wrong neither did the other woman.

Her DH has spoken to my DH occasionally about how he struggles with her social anxiety and introversion as he is very much the extrovert. I think there must be something extra at play that I'm not aware of as she goes awol for the longest periods of time. People often say they haven't seen her for months and jokingly ask if she leads a double life. I have had a lot of sympathy for her and afforded her the benefit of the doubt but I can no longer give her a 1:1 level of friendship.

I would let this fizzle out, based on how she’s behaving hopefully will be quite easy, be busy for the things you actually are invited to.

It seems toxic and not a genuine friendship.

Block her with no explainarion... or tell her no thanks the volitile behaviour is not ok with you and get some respect
Tell her husband and yours no way you want a friendship with this odd behaviour, doing the finger at you.
What ever her issue is it isnt healrhy or ok to be someones door mat.
As for the wider friends and community they will see it eventually but I would not really care anyway.

She sounds like she is just using you to vent her frustrations at, and no matter what you do you will not be able to keep the peace with her because she is runing hot and cold all the time.

To stop her disrespecting you, using you and treating you like crap, I suggest you cut ties with her, immediatly.

There is a chance she could be jealous of you hence her innability to be kind to you.

Tell her in a txt to stop contacting you from now as, and you both need to move on with your lives.

Then block her.

You are not to blame for her attitude, she is.

@HowdoIsolvethis

This is controversial but I am going to suggest you write a letter to her with full details - adding at the end that you would like a way forward as move in the same circles. Also asking what you said or did (when she made you leave). I must admit I am curious about her response to that!

The letter must be written in a way you know others will read it in future - kind but very firm.

When she starts accusing you of being difficult to other friends - you can show the letter.

My letter was made public some time after and I felt relieved that mutual friends understood why I eventually had to cut her off (they initially felt sorry for her) - plus it was a very cathartic process.

If you do go with this suggestion, drop it through her letterbox rather than send an email she may choose not to open.

Block her online, ignore any messages and ignore her if you see her outside., She's a toxic presence in your life - cut her out.

That would be a very long letter. Honestly, I have given the thin end of the wedge here because it would be too outing and simply too long winded. She would be floored by any letter, she is a mix of aggressive and fragile and would hotly deny everything. Having said this, I have written many a letter but discarded them having realised it would only escalate the situation and not solve anything. Also, I have been friends with the other women a few years now, I would hope they know me well enough to think "if HowdoIsolve has distanced herself it will be with good reason" but in the early years, I didn't have that security.

In terms of what I did to be asked to leave i can relay the very short conversation that we had. I said to her I had been noticing a distance growing between us since moving to the village and if I had unwittingly offended her could she let me know so I could put it right. Her exact reply was "are you calling me a shit friend?" I said absolutely not I'm asking if I have been one. It was like she either couldn't or wouldnt listen to what I was actually trying to say. I wasnt sworn at but there was swearing and crying. I remember feeling quite shaky and sick when I was putting my shoes on. By the time I walked home, her DH had been in touch with my DH to ask why his wife was in floods of tears.

I think there are lots of reasons Ive kept silent but one of them is definitely having the tables turned on me. Whether she does this intentionally or because she is so defensive she can't stomach any perceived criticism, I don't know. It is like the "HowdoIsolve is cancelling me" saga (again communicated via her DH) but its actually the other way around! I reply immediately to all her messages, giving meetup options, including her in everything, but she leaves me for months on read, and excludes me and my kids. There is a Halloween trail every year that she organises in our village and its invite only. My kids (incidentally her god children) are excluded. Fortunately we go to another one now but its things like that which are super hurtful. We were asked one year to the pub afterwards but my kids would have struggled to see their friends all excited with their sweet collections.

stay well away, I think you’ll find other mutual friends will give far less of a shit about your friendship with her than you think they will
life is too short to waste energy on dickheads

Don't send a letter. I am glad it worked out for the previous poster, but in my experience (I have relatives and used to have a neighbour who love to send a letter about perceived slights and conflicts!) they generally make the writer look unhinged. I would rather go for the subtle move off in the other direction approach. No more 1 on 1 meetings, vague pleasantries when you meet, refusing to be drawn into anything. That kind of thing.

@sonjadog I totally agree 👍

I think she is a shit friend. I mean why would she exclude her own Godchildren on the Halloween trail? Did you challenge her on that? Just sounds down right mean.

@PussInBin20 I didn't challenge it for a couple of years. We went to another village where we have good friends, a bigger trail and a little party at the end so my kids are unscathed. I did reference it last year when I was accused of cancelling her though but I then I felt I was providing a motive for my suspected crimes 😂. They were then away last Halloween but she issued an invitation from a far away land. It was almost a "you can go this year, not because I'm absent, but because ive officially invited you. I'm not there but I'm still in charge."

Honestly, what have I been thinking 🙈

She sounds completely unhinged. I hope your dh can calmly state this to her dh, and back you up in saying its best for everyone if the relationship comes to an end and that must be without any bad mouthing of you by her to anyone else.

Getting older has helped me see that the best way to deal with people like this is to avoid them as far as possible.
So don’t let this woman take up your valuable time or headspace. Her issues stay her issues. You spend your time with nicer easier people

Honestly you know this but she is not a friend, she is engaged in a type of coercive control with you. When she excluded your kids from the Halloween trail it should have made you run a mile. Don’t engage with anything to do with her going forward nor should your husband., ignore all messages. You can be guaranteed other people do know what she is really like.