Am I wrong to keep distance from a difficult friendship?

[HowdoIsolvethis]

NC for obvious reasons.

5 years ago, my family and one of my friends’ families moved to the same village at the same time. We’d been very close friends for years, but almost immediately after moving, she became cold and distant for reasons I never understood. When I asked if I’d upset her, she became very defensive and angry, and asked me to leave her house. We somewhat recovered from this but I remained in the dark and didn't dare broach the topic again. I did subsequently hear that she had previously and publicly shared her regret that our families were living in the same village and I think this was the nub of it.

Since then, there’s been a long pattern of mixed signals: excluding my children from events while including others, ignoring messages for months, then acting publicly as though we were still close and asking to meet up — only to ignore me again.

Over time I have had to quietly accept the friendship has changed. Ive built other (and closer) friendships but then last year she started to accuse me of “cancelling” her.

Last summer, while at her house for a rare coffee, I seemingly and unknowingly offended her in normal conversation - she suddenly told me to f* off and gave me the middle finger in front of her child. Her rage was palpable and totally OTT. I apologised anyway and tried to smooth things over. I feel I betrayed myself in doing this but I was so stunned I didn't know how else to react in the moment. However, some subsequent time apart, gave me a chance to properly reflect on what i wanted going forward but now she’s back and pushing to reconnect again, 1:1. I did try and say "oh catch you at so and so" and keep it light but she has persisted so Ive had to bite the bullet. Ive kindly messaged her saying I think it’s best if we dont meet 1:1 given the longstanding tensions but to socialise more in a group context, given our mutual friends, who remain largely unaware. As soon as i sent the message, her DH contacted my DH wanting to talk today or tomorrow. I now feel bad for DH.

I genuinely don’t understand why someone who seemed not to want me around for years is now so upset that I no longer want a close friendship. What am I missing? Am I being unreasonable for wanting distance from someone I no longer feel emotionally safe with? And how would others navigate this in a village with lots of mutual friends and overlaps? I don't want to be sucked back into the same vicious cycle and treading on eggshells for someone who has treated me pretty badly over the years to safeguard everyone's feelings whilst sacrificing my own

In context to the post I asked to be removed my father made me read The Selfish Gene aged 15.

This part of the book always stuck with me and im
ever thankful to him.

Being a sucker benefits nobody. Neither does being a cheat.

I’ve lived my life as a grudger and it’s never let me down as a philosophy.

So the question OP is which tribe do you want to belong to (as it’s pretty clear which choice your “friend” has made).

Sorry to hear that @Ahwig it can take time to see the real person, especially the more involved we become with them. I would say that being estranged from family may not always be a red flag though and that early trauma can then cause people to make insecure attachments through their lives. Maybe this happened to your friend. I hear you though and it must have been very upsetting to receive such a letter.

@BreadInCaptivity you've introduced a really interesting angle here. I am an altruistic person, and, more often than not, a sucker. I see a need and think can I meet that need? If its a yes, then I do it and I'm genuinely glad to help. I don't think about if or how I'm going to be repaid until I do need help and then realise I'm on my own. This is a pattern that repeats itself and its had one good outcome in that I am self sufficient. It also makes me most people's first port of call.

I think its possibly that part of me that offends my friend...

Apologies again for the link.

I read the first half which explained the concept well but then…well turned into an utter pile of anti- woman tosh.

Lesson: read the article in full…

In all seriousness you say you are great at boundaries apart with some female friendships.

Shitty link aside being a “grudge” and considering if am I acting like a “cheat” or a “sucker” has helped me make good decisions through my life.

”I’ll treat you like a gentleman unless you prove me wrong” encapsulates the “grudgers” philosophy mentioned earlier. Pretty good principle to live by.

Maybe you are over estimating your “friend”?

I very much doubt she gives you as much headspace and reflection as you do her.

She will just take what you choose to give.

End it. Be done. Play Frozen “let it go” on repeat at high volume!!!!! 😂

They are just shitty people. Her behaviour and him
expecting to sort it out with your DH (how bloody arrogant and misogynistic!!!) doesn’t need explanation. They are simply people you don’t want in your life.

Note: link has been checked😂

DD will be delighted @BreadInCaptivity. She loves that song!

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I feel able to let myself off the hook and be unabashed when I see her next. Ive also got some thinking to do about why I let it get this far. Lives can be enmeshed but it doesnt mean we should be suckers and I should have made this call a lot sooner.

Maybe her DH wants to talk about her not you! Could she be bipolar or suffer from IED?

Very strange then. But some people are very strange.

A neighbour/friend of mine had this sort of, her DH was best friends with her DH but the friend and other friends didn’t like the wife. Because apparently she just wasn’t nice, she was called Amanda in Motherland. I did ask once (I don’t have kids) shouldn’t they try to get along, be friends and both women said a stern no. Then sadly the wife’s DH committed suicide out of the blue so the best friend and other wife have taken the wife on holiday with them (one couple moved abroad). The wives still don’t get on really but have to do so on this holiday. They have kids the same age too who are friends. And this woman never did anything wrong neither did the other woman.

Her DH has spoken to my DH occasionally about how he struggles with her social anxiety and introversion as he is very much the extrovert. I think there must be something extra at play that I'm not aware of as she goes awol for the longest periods of time. People often say they haven't seen her for months and jokingly ask if she leads a double life. I have had a lot of sympathy for her and afforded her the benefit of the doubt but I can no longer give her a 1:1 level of friendship.