Am I wrong to keep distance from a difficult friendship?

[HowdoIsolvethis]

NC for obvious reasons.

5 years ago, my family and one of my friends’ families moved to the same village at the same time. We’d been very close friends for years, but almost immediately after moving, she became cold and distant for reasons I never understood. When I asked if I’d upset her, she became very defensive and angry, and asked me to leave her house. We somewhat recovered from this but I remained in the dark and didn't dare broach the topic again. I did subsequently hear that she had previously and publicly shared her regret that our families were living in the same village and I think this was the nub of it.

Since then, there’s been a long pattern of mixed signals: excluding my children from events while including others, ignoring messages for months, then acting publicly as though we were still close and asking to meet up — only to ignore me again.

Over time I have had to quietly accept the friendship has changed. Ive built other (and closer) friendships but then last year she started to accuse me of “cancelling” her.

Last summer, while at her house for a rare coffee, I seemingly and unknowingly offended her in normal conversation - she suddenly told me to f* off and gave me the middle finger in front of her child. Her rage was palpable and totally OTT. I apologised anyway and tried to smooth things over. I feel I betrayed myself in doing this but I was so stunned I didn't know how else to react in the moment. However, some subsequent time apart, gave me a chance to properly reflect on what i wanted going forward but now she’s back and pushing to reconnect again, 1:1. I did try and say "oh catch you at so and so" and keep it light but she has persisted so Ive had to bite the bullet. Ive kindly messaged her saying I think it’s best if we dont meet 1:1 given the longstanding tensions but to socialise more in a group context, given our mutual friends, who remain largely unaware. As soon as i sent the message, her DH contacted my DH wanting to talk today or tomorrow. I now feel bad for DH.

I genuinely don’t understand why someone who seemed not to want me around for years is now so upset that I no longer want a close friendship. What am I missing? Am I being unreasonable for wanting distance from someone I no longer feel emotionally safe with? And how would others navigate this in a village with lots of mutual friends and overlaps? I don't want to be sucked back into the same vicious cycle and treading on eggshells for someone who has treated me pretty badly over the years to safeguard everyone's feelings whilst sacrificing my own

Definitely not. I'm not skinny enough or posh enough!

Thank goodness😂

I do think she is struggling but she always has to a degree and ive often been a listening ear. She is naturally more introverted than I am and therefore less socially active but when she makes an appearance, she can be the life and soul of the party and extremely funny. And very likeable. And she wouldnt dream of talking to our newer friends like it.

That’s awful behaviour from a grown adult and sounds so bizarre! Have you perhaps made more friends in the village and become more popular amongst your mutual friendship group? Just wondering if there could be some feelings of jealousy towards you? Sorry you’re in such an awkward position. I would be nervous about meeting her 1:1.

Did your DH’s speak?

All of it just sounds nuts, from her side. Unless there’s a backstory from her I would really avoid and not try to hold out the olive branch. I haven’t got time for rude hand gestures, swearing and other bad behaviour towards me in my life. The only way I’d even think about changing my view is if you both met 121 and she made a significant effort in how she treated you and stuck to it.

No my DH offered two times to have a chat (he is pretty clear on how much he's prepared to engage) and the message has been left on read.

If she's prepared to meet you and explain what she thinks is the problem fair enough but if she wants to continue gas lighting you I would tell her there's no way forward to continue the relationship. As for your husband meeting hers I would tell him to say the same thing as there is no way moving forward without clearing the air so to speak otherwise you will constantly be treading on eggshells.Life is too short for this sort of nonsense.

Some people are just really strange. Don’t take it personally, but absolutely keep your distance. Your husband’s stance, imo, should be “she’s unpredictably and unnecessarily rude to my wife so we’re giving her space”. Her husband can explain things maybe but there shouldn’t be any mediation. This friendship needs to be over! I’m sorry this has happened, what a drain. You did the right thing

She is batshit! I’d stick to .. see you next Friday at parents evening kind of thing.. I wouldn’t be joining her 1 to 1..

There is no backstory in terms of our shared history, we hadn't had a cross word in the 8 years before the move. This is why it was so confusing and upsetting. To top it off we lost FIL to covid one month after the move and she was very cold even then which was really hurtful for DH. In terms of a more recent backstory, I'd love to know if I have done something because then I could make amends. In terms of how she sees this situation, I really couldn't say, because she refuses to talk about anything and sends her DH in to manage.

Dummy question, have you not actually asked her what her issue is?

@Puddock1 I have probably made more friends locally but her and her DH have a wide circle of friends from different life phases and geographies. She is also close to her family. She is very selective about who she makes friends with, some may say strategic, and I'm just not like that, I'm more of a free spirit. I have dared to think she may sometimes feel a bit jealous of my freedom to be myself and gel with lots of people rather than of the actual friendships. Although I had recently heard she had asked a mutual friend about how socially active I was being and we both thought that was really odd. And a bit immature 🙄.

Oh edited to add. I remember when we first moved she would say at a dinner or lunch "oh HowdoIsolve will be moving again in 2 or 3 years ha ha" which, whilst we do have a track record, I wondered if she was trying to undermine my efforts to settle in. It was one of those things where you can only speculate in the moment but your suspicions are confirmed over time.

Me again 😂.

Just be done with them.

A parting of ways is well overdue.

They bring nothing to your life but angst. On your deathbed you won’t be thinking “I still wonder why that cockwomble couple didn’t like me” or “I wish I had invested more time, energy and self respect in self enabling myself to be treated like crap”.

She's a nutcase. Stay clear.

Why would you bother?

The answer is she’s a twat.

@Cherrysoup I did ask if i had done anything, a year in, said I'd love to put it right if I had. She was very defensive and asked me to leave and Ive not dare mention it since. Thought by ignoring it and contorting myself into different shapes we would reside it out and here I am years later. Out of energy and ideas.

Ive realised I have very few boundaries when it comes to my female friendships. I hold my own with family and DH but I'm too keen to please my girlfriends.

@BreadInCaptivity I need the laughing emoji back 🤣

She wants you on your toes, walking on egg shells, always on the back foot trying to appease. She wants to be in control. She's a twat of the highest order and you're better off just drawing a line. Her DH talking to yours is even more ridiculous! What - trying to get you to toe the line?! Fuck that

He would say he is trying to make peace for the sake of the families. The first time round, he was the one to contact my DH as well. I think he struggles to live with her in distress, know she won't be grown up about it so thinks he can appeal to me. He has, however, been quite rude on occasions to me, and more generally, eg will often say how complicated women are. I have often wanted to say its your wife who is complicated and not every female is the same. But I'd never be forgiven for saying it 😂

I made a friend at work and we became close. When I was pregnant she was really excited and we asked her to be god mother. I didn’t see the red flags . The fact that she constantly fell out with other people. The fact that she was estranged from her whole family. She spent Christmas with us for a few years as she didn’t have anyone else to spend it with. She moved away but we were still in regular contact. She’d come and stay with us and we’d go and stay with her. On my daughter’s 7 th bday we went to stay with her at her invitation. We all had a great time . We treated her to a meal while we were there to say thank you for having us stay and I sent her a bouquet of flowers when we got home again to say thank you. About a month after we’d been to stay with her , I received a letter from her. It was addressed to the Ahwig family. Inside it simply said to the Ahwigs I have decided I no longer want to be in contact with you . And that was it …… no reason given at all. I did reply saying I didn’t understand and what had we done to upset her and what did she suggest I tell her god daughter about why her godmother no longer wanted any contact. That was 20 years ago and I never heard from her again. I was upset at first but other people and my family all said that she’d been rude to them and they hadn’t wanted to say anything as we were good friends. There isn’t anyone I don’t speak to or have cut off in my life so I had realised that it was definitely her rather than us. And she never got to see how fabulous her god daughter turned out.

Oh golly - just read the link in full… it explains the concept at the beginning but goes straight into Andrew Tate theory with its justification- not what I intended 🫠

So please don’t give clicks - will self report and find an appropriate link…

Right, Lesson learned on not fully reading links so am resorting to an AI précis:

A quick breakdown of how the three types behave:

• Suckers (Altruists): They help everyone unconditionally, even if the favor is never returned. While a population of only suckers can thrive, they are highly vulnerable to exploitation. 1, 2, 3, 4]
• Cheats (Selfish): They accept help but never return it. Because they expend no energy to help others, they gain an evolutionary advantage and will wipe out suckers. However, if everyone is a cheat, the population collapses because no one receives help. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
• Grudgers (Reciprocators): They help everyone initially, but they remember who didn't return the favor. If a cheat takes advantage of a grudger, the grudger puts them on a blacklist and will never help them again. 1, 2]

Why it matters: In game theory, Grudgers represent an Evolutionary Stable Strategy (ESS). When there is a sufficient population of grudgers, cheats are quickly outplayed and eventually driven to extinction because they have no "suckers" left to exploit.

@BreadInCaptivity🤣 I did start to wonder! The article makes some valid arguments, as in its wise to support others but not indiscriminately so.

I think she would eventually treat our new friends the same. Given time. I think she has mistaken my kindness and restraint for weakness, probably thinks I'm a sucker! And. I think she resents me and it spills out and accumulative emotion will.