Feeling isolated after marrying into a very independent autistic family.

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I really don’t know why I’m asking but I’m just needing a place to get this out. I have married into an Autistic family and I feel like I’m dying a slow death. Don’t get me wrong, no one is directly awful but they are all self interest based and I feel alone. Both my kids are also Autistic, higher functioning but it’s hard and stressful. I did not know there was autism when I got involved. To be fair I think I’m undiagnosed also but I am also different to these folks.

I don’t have a family of such now so these are what I have. My partners parents and his brother and family live completely parallel. They will meet up and all get on well but day to day they have nothing to do with each others lives. No one visits each other, the cousins don’t have relationships because the brother focuses all his time on work and now the gf is so insecure she will not go out without him. No one asks how you are, if you do tell them something no one will do anything about it. It’s basically get through life on your own, meet do a joint interest and that’s that. I am lonely in this family, this is not the family I dreamed of, all in our separate houses living “comfortably” independently, no help, no support, no chat.

Is this something anyone has experienced?It’s like death by a thousand cuts!

There's nothing wrong with this though.

Loads of people are like this with family.

They prefer to spent time with friends 🤷‍♂️

None of this sounds abnormal though, just not what you were hoping for.

All my in-laws live within a mile of my house - the only one I see on any kind of regular basis is my FIL and that's only because he looks after our dog for us while we work.

I have a SIL I met for the first time at my MIL's funeral and would honestly not know her if I walked past her in the street - she lives about 300 metres away.

No they don’t spend time with anyone. The brother and family don’t have friends, the kids don’t have anyone over either. No one seems to need anyone. It’s so isolating.

But you're responsible for your own isolation.

If you want company, you'll need to make friends.

But they're not responsible for your feelings of isolation. You are.

If you're unhappy, you need to find people to spend time with that aren't your inlaws. I'd have no interest in a BBQ with my SIL either, I have to say.

If you need help you need to spell it out. It's not that they don't care, but they almost certainly lack the bit of empathy where you imagine how the other person feels.

Best advice to you is to build your own support network independent of them.

Yeah I know you are right. It’s been a difficult week with the kids with the heat making the PDA in my kids through the roof. But you ask for help but you don’t get any because they don’t do help. I feel bad for the cousins, they have no relationship despite living so close. When they meet they LOVE each other but the other family don’t prioritise relationships either.

I don’t know why people have children if they don’t prioritise them and then don’t prioritise their family and grandchildren etc. So much for the village. I know no one owes us anything but this type of family is shit. I am jealous of some of my friends families.

I cannot imagine what the opposite would be to what you describe...do you really want endless calls, drops ins, taking your babies, telling you how to live your lives, taking up all your weekends, etc ....the description of hell

To be fair, it's just as hot for them.

I'm not sure I'd offer to look after anyone's kids if they had PDA, in this heat.

When you wanted someone to offer to come and hold your baby so you could sleep post-operation, where was your husband?

Your responses are really interesting because they're very focused on one thing which is the one thing you criticise your in-laws for.

Just because they do things differently to you, doesn't mean they're wrong, or not prioritising their children. You really seem to be looking down on them and if they sense that, they're not going to want much at all to do with you.

But lots of cousins don't have close relationships, OP - none of this is unusual. If you want more people in your lives, invite your friends to a BBQ, or your kids' friends. Don't keep persevering with the in laws, when you know they're not fussed. We all have to create our own support networks, not just assume that certain people will automatically fit the bill.

I know what you mean. Deeply autistic family conversation can feel a bit like machine gun fire or being at a convention of professional arguers. Quite adversarial and even when highly verbal and intelligent there can be a lot of contradicting and sort of catching people out in getting things wrong. There's no malice under it actually or jostling for status, it can just feel tiring if you extend your emotions to others differently.

I don't know about the whole group lack of support but I can imagine.

Sorry but you're looking at this from your neurotypical perspective and saying their relationships are wrong. Many autistic people are content in their own company and the way they enjoy and maintain relationships with others is in specific ways, like shared special interests. If it works for them, that's their prerogative. I understand that it's hard for you wanting different things but it's unfair to say they're not prioritising children because they're not treating ND children as though they're NT.

Exactly. It's actually quite offensive.

You think it's normal not to have any contact with your parent other than when you meet up face to face? Or for Granny to text asking how DC's first day at school went?

Yes. In lots of families, that's very normal. I only see my dad 2-3 times a year when we meet in person. We're both autistic and have lots in common but just don't communicate otherwise.

You need to manage your unrealistic expectations.

It would be normal for me as an autistic adult. It doesn't mean I don't care, but I've learned to do things like that by rote for certain people in my life because I know it makes them happy. But generally whilst I do think about people I care about in between seeing them, that to me doesn't come with any desire/instinct to contact them. I don't expect it or need it from others either. Its meaningless to me. I just pick up where we've left off when I next see them.

This is exactly it. I don't really think about people when I'm not with them. It's not that I don't care, it's that they're just not really on my radar.

I get that. But they don’t see the children as individuals at all. Aren’t interested in anything they have to say or do unless it’s something they agree with. I understand that it’s an ND behaviour to lack the ability to see outside of yourself but it’s difficult to be on the other end of when you are dismissed and ignored. I take the point I need to concentrate on friends but I find this situation difficult at times. We as a family have needs as much as they do.

There is another person in the relationship when you have one. They have different needs and I don’t think it’s fair not to meet in the middle. Just because you don’t need it doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t. We do things for people we love. When they ask isn’t it okay to help then and not tell them sorry I don’t think you need it because I wouldn’t do get on with it.

You might find some understanding here, OP: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5532823-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-nd-support-thread-18

It won't solve your problem, but at least you'll feel a little more seen/heard. I couldn't live like this. My own family's extremely hands-off, we hardly speak or meet, but we do show care & interest in each other and the kids, etc.

At the end of the day, your only choices are to quit or set about creating a 'family' of your own, from the people you meet. And, for that, you will have to meet people.

They haven't chosen to have a relationship with you though. You didnt marry them, you married your husband

It's not their job to meet your family's needs.