Feeling isolated after marrying into a very independent autistic family.

[mangorubicon]

I really don’t know why I’m asking but I’m just needing a place to get this out. I have married into an Autistic family and I feel like I’m dying a slow death. Don’t get me wrong, no one is directly awful but they are all self interest based and I feel alone. Both my kids are also Autistic, higher functioning but it’s hard and stressful. I did not know there was autism when I got involved. To be fair I think I’m undiagnosed also but I am also different to these folks.

I don’t have a family of such now so these are what I have. My partners parents and his brother and family live completely parallel. They will meet up and all get on well but day to day they have nothing to do with each others lives. No one visits each other, the cousins don’t have relationships because the brother focuses all his time on work and now the gf is so insecure she will not go out without him. No one asks how you are, if you do tell them something no one will do anything about it. It’s basically get through life on your own, meet do a joint interest and that’s that. I am lonely in this family, this is not the family I dreamed of, all in our separate houses living “comfortably” independently, no help, no support, no chat.

Is this something anyone has experienced?It’s like death by a thousand cuts!

Well, you clearly don't love them and they are with all diagnoses and potential diagnoses aside, people you can opt out of. Let your partner deal with them and don't expect much.

Did you have no clue though before you decided to marry into this family?

The whole thing sounds increasingly dysfunctional.

Not really no. I didn’t realise they wouldn’t support their son when one of my births went wrong. I didn’t release they’d leave him alone all the times things went wrong and he needed them. Then that turned into all the other times we needed support. The family don’t even give their condolences if family die. None of this is normal to me. I don’t understand how they are so un bothered. Unless they really just don’t know how to. I know with my children they don’t communicate how they feel but you know they love you, they have love languages. They feel so apathetic.

But youre talking about in-laws and extended family. They didn't marry you Yes the husband and wife should try and meet in the middle, but the you can't expect the rest of the family to change too. Or for him to try and change his family.

They are not going to change so you need to learn ways to cope with it.

I can’t understand why his parents never saw a problem? Whether they did but just left him to it. The mum is the worst, your leg could be hanging off and she’d skirt around it happily. It’s apparently not a problem to save absolutely everything and there be no space for anyone else. We shouldn’t notice.

Many families are like this. Whether it's because the parents see their job as 'done' when their child turns 18, whether it's because they moved away, maybe they just don't have much in common and don't choose to spend a lot of time together. I think you have an unrealistic expectation that families should be like the waltons. Some are, but it's not the majority. They may be autistic and just not very close, or not really get on.

I know this, I’m just sad that this is what we have. People who don’t even notice when you’re hanging on.

They are like robots, rigid, unwavering, blinkered and extremely self interested. No emotions, no empathy, nothing. They exist for themselves, they give nothing, not even to their own children, no love, no support, no interest. Sad family.

You married your husband not his family. Just focus on your husband and kids and lower your expectations for the extended family. Many people have uninterested family members so you need to focus your energy on building friendships instead if you need more support/socialisation.

I have a colleague and she is autistic and her husband and they are not like this. They adore their grandchildren. They talk about them, they post pictures on days out, they can’t wait to see them.

Yes, I do think that’s normal. Not everyone is big on texting, emotional check in nonsense or being heavily involved in each other’s lives. Some families are just more independent and low contact unless there’s a reason to meet up (and many don’t have a desire to meet at all even then).

I’m sociable but hate people in my house

can’t remember the last time apart from my son I had someone in my house 😂

but I speak to my sister most weeks and my nieces and my son who are my immediate family and we all live within a 10 mins drive

my son and my eldest niece are close in age and pretty much grew up with each other hanging out at my late parents and going to the same schools and colleges

my sister is much more sociable and will do party’s and b-b-q which I will go to but my idea of dread would be doing this in my house

I know. I’m sorry. I just find it sad. Our kids are great kids, absolutely full of personality and still they aren’t enough to come away from their own self interests and invest time in. Unless they need a child to go with them somewhere, then they can fulfill that need. Winds me up.

Are you sure you’re ND and don’t have some other condition that is making you so fixated and upset by your in laws perfectly fine behaviour? Trauma and other things can appear as ASD.

Terrible way to go. Unless there is abuse. Having lost my dad young there is nothing more I would give then time with the people I love the most.

Yet you chose to marry one of them.

Autism is a communication disability - I’m not entirely sure what you expected?

You are very, very fixated on your idea of family and I think that’s the issue here. You cannot expect other people to change their ways to fit your beliefs and your comments are coming across as though it’s very much your way or the highway - which is pretty ironic seeing as that’s what you’re accusing your in-laws of.

He is not like this. He is very sensitive really but seems to form great attachment to things. I am starting to think given how it feels in this family that he has been affected by it.

Are you actually listening to, and thinking about people's responses, or are you just going to continue repeating yourself over and over?

It isn’t a problem when you are the parent. You bin things as and when you want regardless of his feelings. He has less time at home to collect and his space would have been in his bedroom.
Now he has a whole house and no one in authority telling him ‘no’. So it builds and spills over.
Thing is, I can tell DH. I can explain. I can appeal to him. Makes no difference at all. He gets it, hears me, but he doesn’t ’get it’. I’m ‘overdramatic’ or ‘bothered about nothing’. It’s ’not a problem, really’.

He has just, finally, twigged. I said there was no way we could move so there was no point looking. He was a bit surprised. I pointed out we couldn’t possibly move the amount of crap we keep, we wouldn’t find anywhere big enough, wouldn’t manage to pack it, and wouldn’t manage unpacking it. And said it really gets me down.
I think what made the difference was, I wasn’t asking or telling him to do anything differently. Not ‘please don’t, we have nowhere to put it.’. Not, ‘for fucks sake, I’ve stubbed my toe because you’ve filled the space under the bed with crap again!’.
I just remarked we wouldn’t be moving, there’s no pint thinking about it. And said the stuff is just overwhelming.

And he’s started sorting and reducing. A bit!

You don’t need to understand them. They are as they are, and you cannot change that.

Focus on what is within your power to control.

Why it it so terrible? My siblings and I have nothing in common so haven’t spoken for many years, I’m not even sure what my latest nieces name is. We all have our own family units and friends.

Can you see how incredibly fixated you are about the issue?

That’s pretty weird they don’t invite your kids to their cousins birthdays?

Everyone is affected by their family in one way or another.

You clearly dislike your in-laws and are resentful that they don’t want a relationship with you but your only option is to accept it and move on. Or get a divorce.