Feeling isolated after marrying into a very independent autistic family.

[mangorubicon]

I really don’t know why I’m asking but I’m just needing a place to get this out. I have married into an Autistic family and I feel like I’m dying a slow death. Don’t get me wrong, no one is directly awful but they are all self interest based and I feel alone. Both my kids are also Autistic, higher functioning but it’s hard and stressful. I did not know there was autism when I got involved. To be fair I think I’m undiagnosed also but I am also different to these folks.

I don’t have a family of such now so these are what I have. My partners parents and his brother and family live completely parallel. They will meet up and all get on well but day to day they have nothing to do with each others lives. No one visits each other, the cousins don’t have relationships because the brother focuses all his time on work and now the gf is so insecure she will not go out without him. No one asks how you are, if you do tell them something no one will do anything about it. It’s basically get through life on your own, meet do a joint interest and that’s that. I am lonely in this family, this is not the family I dreamed of, all in our separate houses living “comfortably” independently, no help, no support, no chat.

Is this something anyone has experienced?It’s like death by a thousand cuts!

The kids don’t have parties, they don’t have anyone in the house.

I know right. OP has a problem for every solution.

That is… incredibly harsh.

op, families vary a lot.

some parents abuse their children. Some parents leave their children while very young and never see them again. Some parents neglect their children.

you are saying that his family are like robots because they aren’t behaving as you expect families to behave.

families come in all shapes and sizes and they come with a complete variety of emotional styles and dynamics as well.

some children go no contact with parents, some parents go no contact with children.

it really isn’t the case that all parents love their children, and it certainly isn’t the case that all grandparents love their grandchildren (see the vast numbers of threads on here complaining about detached grsndparents)

Many autistic children hate birthday parties.

You need to leave them alone.
Why are you so bothered by them.
They don't support you but then you don't need to support them either.
Let them live in their own little bubble.
It's better to keep distance from in laws anyway.
You don't like them but maybe they don't like you either.
As long as your Dh and you like each other all will be ok

Did you say that to them? I would have. If it’s going to bug you not knowing why. Please tell me you’ve got rid of the shoes since.

So? Should they force themselves to do things they don’t want to do, just to please you?

yes the shoes went but only because he agreed to keep the shoelaces and let the shoes go. When I ask questions like what about the kids stuff I’d like to store I don’t get a response, no words, just ignored. Like if I ignore it it will all get forgotten.

I think OP is probably also autistic and incapable of anything other than black and white thinking.

That sounds hard OP. The hoarding may be a trauma response to emotional neglect.
Check out online about the harms of Low effort families ; it is considered a subset of abuse. Parents may meet basic survival needs (during childhood) but emotional attunement is absent particularly towards any children and conflict is addressed by withdrawal rather than resolution. There is. no modelling of healthy intimacy and communication styles. Milestones aren’t acknowledged and there is no curiosity about children. They sound so odd genuinely and I understand your isolation. Look for found family through developing friendships and social
connection (gradually!) in your community. Say yes to everything is you’re not sure how to start.

No. The kids don’t actually get a choice. The dad works 24/7 as it’s his special interest and they don’t get a chance for parties. He says that all he got on birthday was a dinner with his parents so that’s what they get. They don’t need parties. Despite the fact that when the kids meet they love playing.

Do the children not have a mother?

I don’t think your word about them can be trusted. You are obsessive and see things only from your own perspective.

They sound normal. I don't know any families as intensely in each others pockets as you describe. I think friendships are far more rewarding than eg. Siblings.

You don’t know me. I’ve voiced one thread about my feelings about being in this family. I am allowed to feel sad about the family I find myself in. My children are also sad that they have hardly any relationship with their grandparents and only cousins. They are allowed to feel sad even if these types of families are normal.

Yes they have a mother. I said in the beginning she is incredibly insecure/shy. He runs the household, works 24/7 and she barely leaves the house, never without him. Which is never as he works so much as works is his special interest.

I’m mystified at all the comments of this is normal and giving OP a hard time.
Where is it normal
for grandparents, uncles, cousins to have no interest in their grandkids, nephews etc
No social events? no interest in anything but themselves?
The brothers kids and wife seem
to have a sad existence where the man rules and they have a life with no fun or interest.
None of it is normal and it’s ok for the OP to have liked some relatiinship with them.

I can not obviously seem to get across how odd this family are. There are signs, like smiles but there is nothing behind the smile. I can’t find the words I’m looking for. There is hello but there is no wanting of anything past this. It is surface level and then anything else they do not want, can’t deal with. They don’t want to know if their own family is ok. I am not used to this.

They are allowed to have fun when HE books some time off. But only with them and not with friends and not with us and not with her family. There are self contained. In my head this is not normal.

@mangorubicon "They don’t want to know if their own family is ok"

honestly, I get it

The family I'm talking about, the mother now has cancer and it's not discussed by anyone. You're not allowed to mention it never mind ask her sons how they are feeling or how they are coping.

But people like us just have to accept that other people are different. There will be lots of people replying who are more like the family that you've married into and the family that I'm describing.

You can't change other peoples behaviour basically - nor should you be trying to?

Like I said, you've got to look for what you need somewhere else.

He simultaneously works 24/7 and runs the household?

What business is it of yours how they live?

Your children are probably sad because they’re feeding off your own emotions about the family. Not seeing cousins is not a big deal to the majority of children.

I know I do. I’m just sad. This is sad. For example the grandad has recently been diagnosed Alzheimer’s. No one has mentioned it. It’s like nothing has happened. No one has offered them help, apart from me and I’ve got my H up there to do some things. His own daughter, my H’s mum, nothing, she simply doesn’t acknowledge that he might need help. Doesn’t/cant I’m not sure.

Says the person diagnosing everyone in her in laws family as autistic because they don’t behave in the way you want them to.

Im happy, your in laws seem happy with how things are. Sounds likes it’s a you problem.

You sound so unhappy and I understand you are looking for support but you do think you are wanting quite a close-knit environment (it would be claustrophobic for me but each to their own) which isn’t what your family is offering. Do you have any friends outside your family? It‘s a bit sad you do t feel close to your kids and husband - would counselling help at all?

Autism runs in his family, my H, kids, many of his cousins, his uncle and another aunt have formal diagnosis. His uncle and his daughter ass and she has 3 diagnosed ASD children and that family is lovely and close.

No not an in your pocket family just not as detached as this family. It’s hyper independent. They may as well as not be family. I like doing the fun stuff when we meet which is always their interest. But there is no reciprocal connection. When you need them, say like when I gave birth and it was a disaster and needed surgery and partner was struggling with other child and me being so ill and new baby, they went on holiday and left him.