Feeling isolated after marrying into a very independent autistic family.

[mangorubicon]

I really don’t know why I’m asking but I’m just needing a place to get this out. I have married into an Autistic family and I feel like I’m dying a slow death. Don’t get me wrong, no one is directly awful but they are all self interest based and I feel alone. Both my kids are also Autistic, higher functioning but it’s hard and stressful. I did not know there was autism when I got involved. To be fair I think I’m undiagnosed also but I am also different to these folks.

I don’t have a family of such now so these are what I have. My partners parents and his brother and family live completely parallel. They will meet up and all get on well but day to day they have nothing to do with each others lives. No one visits each other, the cousins don’t have relationships because the brother focuses all his time on work and now the gf is so insecure she will not go out without him. No one asks how you are, if you do tell them something no one will do anything about it. It’s basically get through life on your own, meet do a joint interest and that’s that. I am lonely in this family, this is not the family I dreamed of, all in our separate houses living “comfortably” independently, no help, no support, no chat.

Is this something anyone has experienced?It’s like death by a thousand cuts!

Agreed. Some incredibly strange responses attempting to paint this as normal when it is clearly not among the other posts which are giving the OP excellent advice.

The family dynamics are extreme and not remotely emotionally heathy. I think the advice that reminds the OP while it is absolutely cannot possibly change due to the neuro developmental disorder impact on the social and relational dynamics of the family that she needs to get these needs met elsewhere.

Both DH and I have similar issues to contend with in our families as they were both very abusive environments growing up. It cannot be helped. We just focus elsewhere. We have great life.

Thank you. I know this can’t be changed. I have reached out to other SEN mums. It’s hard. I know this and yet I am sad sometimes that this is what we have. A load of people completely incapable of helping. It is hard to be emotionally isolated in a family. I can see my H has grown up like this and it is normal to him. But the level of destress and shut down I see over possessions makes me see I will get nowhere like he has. It has only really dawned on me just what type of family I have and the impact.

Apologies if I've missed this OP, but is there a reason that you're only in touch with his family? I think the closeness you want and expect is rarely something people feel with their in-laws, even if you get on. Most people are combat closer to their own parents and siblings. It seems a little odd that you're focused on the faults of his family, but by the sounds of it you either don't have family on your side or they're not involved? How would you feel if your DH was unhappy that you hadn't brought a close supportive family to the relationship?

Next time it’s a kids birthday could you suggest they all come to yours for cake after school or something?

This is so sad

I wouldn’t be able to let it go.
Id get out every shoe and go through it all Mari Condo style. This sounds like a nightmare. What is he even doing with the shoelaces!

The responses on mumsnet feel increasingly wild to me.
the fact people think this is how ‘normal’ families operate is worrying. Or that you sound needy.
of course it’s not how families are meant to operate. And you are allowed to feel sad / grieve for the family life you don’t have.

it is hard. And you don’t always know it’s going be the way it is. Or stuff changes and it’s ends up being different to how you envisage.

If him and his family are making you so clearly unhappy, why are you still there?

It doesn't.

I get it OP. All encompassing avoidance, lack of basic empathy and compassion and a such a dissociated way of living, devoid of feelings. All references are in their own heads, nothing gets in or considered. It's a cold and robotic way and can feel deeply frustrating to be surrounded by family like this. They can't help it but it is eye opening when you encounter this for the first time.

Not much you can do other than leave them to it and hope your dh won't be like them.

They are goal oriented 'buy something' not relationship oriented.

OP the best you can do is build your own community with likeminded friends and ensure your home is as you want it to be. What's your dh like in general?

We have SEN kids and NT family. My mil just looks blankly at me when 1) I told her dd has ASD 2) dd was suspended from school 3) told me "no child doesn't sit gcses your ridiculous" ( ds has severe learning difficulties and I'm.a governor in a school where no one sits gcses).

If I told her one of the kids had been arrested she wouldn't ask why. Just give me the "you are ridiculous" look.if I told her one had a ticket to Australia she would ask questions.

What I take from that, is that mil can only cope with insta worthy news. Things she can be proud of and tell her friends. I just stopped telling her anything. Dd could get pg at 12, she wouldn't hear it from me! In fact I just tell her everyone is good, even if there not.

My eldest dropped out of uni after a week. She asked me how I was, I said I was stressed and she ripped me apart saying "everyone has stress! My good friend is dieing ( in their 80's) so I didn't even get a chance to say her grandson was suicidal 300 miles from home.

The point is, ND or not, you can't automatically assume family will be interested or even care. I have friends for this. My friends know more about my kids lives than their grandparents ever will. They also care much more. Thankfully for my kids the grandparents never see the kids so they don't get brushed off or put down to their face.

See what happens if you tell them nothing. I have taken to matching energy and giving up. Ask nothing, say nothing beyound normal polite socail norms. If they are totally socially inept they won't notice and you save your sanity. If you try to steer the conversation away from specail interest and they take it back there, you don't have to keep asking about the special interest.

With my son I often sit him down and we roll play having a conversation. With adults you can point out that they never ask about you, or don't show interest in others. A close friend has done this for me and I took it on board. I also limit my special interest conversation to a few people and for one round in back and forth. Some people you can't. Basically I feel your pain but ultimately gave up and much happier for it.

People are who they are. You can choose your people. You can't change others or pick your family

They sound awful also. Similar way of behaving. Whatever you say they brush off. In my head I thought it was me, perhaps I’m not going about it in the right way, not speaking clearly, not asking for help clearly. But I realise it’s not me, this is how they are.

They look like a good family, they talk to others that they a close family, but they aren’t. Not in the way a close family would be. But as a previous poster said the Autism is a kind of effecting the way the family functions and it’s not healthy. They don’t communicate, there is no empathy and all self enclosed parallel families. In my eyes it’s missing something. That something I need to find elsewhere.

Autism is by its’ very definition a disorder that affects communication and the way in which a person sees and interacts with the world.

Expecting people who have it to understand society’s “norms” is a bit like expecting someone who’s paralysed to be able to just get up and walk when it’s convenient for other people. It’s never going to happen.

I was only diagnosed with autism in my late thirties after years of struggles and getting it wrong. I felt like an alien in my own body and even now I don’t understand most social rules or niceties and have little to no interest in most things that people do everyday as standard.

OP is never going to get what she wants from her in-laws - they are just physically incapable of providing it in the same way a paralysed person is physically incapable of getting up and walking.

Of course it’s okay for her to feel sad but the bitterness and resentment will get her nowhere.

But again, it’s not your PILs’ job to mediate between you and your DH! I think your unrealistic expectations are the real problem here, OP. Your ILs aren’t going to change, so you need to manage your expectations, accept that, and find support and company elsewhere.

I’m not sure ND is the issue here. It’s mismatched expectations of wider family.

It’s the in-laws and the brother and cousins etc but I take on board what you have said. I will not get a relationship from them as they physically aren’t able to do relationships (in a reciprocal way). It has always been one sided and I think that is what makes me annoyed. I am interested in them, I love them as H’s family, we visit, we call, we care how they are but there is nothing in return. Any thing remotely challenging like someone dies or something bad happens and we are actively avoided. So it has made me resentful for doing all the work.

But they don’t want you to do ‘the work’! They would rather you didn’t!

I won’t anymore. Then there will be zero relationship at all, that just feels so weird to me but I understand. They aren’t interested.

I think you’ll feel better once you accept that, and look to friends for interest, chats, support etc.

Connecting with others emotionally and practically is not just a social nicety or cultural norm, it is what makes us human. It's not about eye contact or making shallow small talk. Most mammals bond and share information through sounds, scents, movements and touch.

Op isn't looking for polite or pretentious chit chat but for some sort of bond and a sense of belonging. It's a basic human need.

Our ancestors couldn't survive alone. A mother couldn’t protect a newborn baby by herself. She needed a tribe to hold the baby and share food. Her in laws live a few miles away and watched her go through surgery but doesn't lift a finger to help or have their back. They have opted totally out of any basic connection.

OP would do well to leave them to it and start up her own network and 'tribe'. Her in-laws aren't going to be bothered and she is looking in the wrong place for the relationships she naturally expects.

@mangorubicon let them.

Once you have stopped expecting anything you can focus on creating a network of friends for your own family.

I do have friends. I’ve just been trying to find a way in in the only way I know how to make relationships. I don’t know how to have dismissive and avoidant relationships. I don’t prioritise tasks and interests over the people I love. I love people, I like to know the people I love are happy.

I think that’s why I haven’t been able to stop. I can’t feel a relationship with them or a bond so I’ve kept going and trying. But I understand this isn’t going to happen because they want complete independence physically and emotionally and that’s not a relationship (in my eyes). I still don’t understand them. I thought it was the autism but I have my own autistic kids and they are loving and my H is loving. I’ve never met such disconnected people.

From a more compassionate and understanding perspective, your in-laws may have developed certain ways of coping because they themselves were not emotionally supported during childhood. For people with asd, constantly feeling different or socially “out of step” can be traumatic. Living with that sense of difference leads to anxiety and depression. It is understandable that someone might choose coping mechanisms or simply shut down that help them avoid those feelings.

Your dh and dc are vulnerable to this. Do try and avoid being emotionally exhausted and cross and create what you re after. I wouldn't ignore them, I'd still have basic contact. Take them as they come. You are lucky your dh isn't like that.

I thought it was the autism but I have my own autistic kids and they are loving and my H is loving.

For a mother of children with autism, you don't come across as someone who knows a great deal about it.

If you did, you'd realise that it affects people differently.

How it affects your DC and your DH has literally nothing to do with this.

They are adults, who have been diagnosed well into their 50’s. I have not met older autistic people apart from the lady at work and she is caring. My kids are being raised in a loving, hugging, happy open family in my house. They show love, in their own ways but they show it and you feel it. They struggle with routine and emotional regulation but they don’t show difficulty being loving humans. These adults don’t show love. I think the other poster might have made a good point. Being diagnosed young probably is the issue I think his family have found there connection elsewhere. I know the mum did not have a family when young. She probably only feels safe outside of humans.

I think you make a very valid point. They are very careful to hide their autism, I think they are ashamed of it. I can understand it must have been hard growing up before autism was understood. I do think they have probably unintentionally disconnected themselves from humans. They get all their needs elsewhere in things and tasks. I find in my own situation with my own Autistic kids they are people who literally need human connection the most. They regulate with other humans.