Feeling isolated after marrying into a very independent autistic family.

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I really don’t know why I’m asking but I’m just needing a place to get this out. I have married into an Autistic family and I feel like I’m dying a slow death. Don’t get me wrong, no one is directly awful but they are all self interest based and I feel alone. Both my kids are also Autistic, higher functioning but it’s hard and stressful. I did not know there was autism when I got involved. To be fair I think I’m undiagnosed also but I am also different to these folks.

I don’t have a family of such now so these are what I have. My partners parents and his brother and family live completely parallel. They will meet up and all get on well but day to day they have nothing to do with each others lives. No one visits each other, the cousins don’t have relationships because the brother focuses all his time on work and now the gf is so insecure she will not go out without him. No one asks how you are, if you do tell them something no one will do anything about it. It’s basically get through life on your own, meet do a joint interest and that’s that. I am lonely in this family, this is not the family I dreamed of, all in our separate houses living “comfortably” independently, no help, no support, no chat.

Is this something anyone has experienced?It’s like death by a thousand cuts!

I think what you're not getting is that it isn't 'just' that your in-laws can't. It's that doing what you require would be exceptionally difficult and perhaps impossible for them (it is a disability after all) but also that it wouldn't benefit them in the same way it does you

You keep talking about your DHs family missing out. But it's entirely possible that they are getting what they need from these relationships. You are projecting your own view of what relationships should be on to them. I appreciate you'll know if they don't have a good relationship with your children. But in terms of their relationships with the rest of the family, it could well be providing everything they need. People aren't lonely if they don't have a need for social interaction.

I get it, they probably are getting all they need out of it. It is sad because whilst they get what they want there are kids both side of the family who aren’t. One side the kids don’t leave the house and this side yeah we do lots but I know that they love their grandparents and cousins and would like more.

It is a disability but is this not slightly neglectful of the needs of others? One sides needs are met and the others aren’t. My H suffering attachment to things and the other brother working 24/7 and not meeting his kids needs is a consequence of this type of relationship. I suppose it is what it is.

You've literally just done it again.

Why are you comparing other people's autism to your kid's?

Do you think it's a 'one-size-fits-all' condition?

No I’m saying it probably has an effect on the adult if the child is diagnosed and supported from a young age. I was agreeing it must have be hard growing up undiagnosed and having to find comfort outside of human connection.

But respectfully, that’s you. You’re focusing on your needs. Your ILs have different needs. They don’t want to live their lives the way you want them to. They don’t want the type of relationship you want.

In respect of the social chit chat side of things; no you can't expect someone with a disability to do something that causes them pain in order to make someone else feel better. As other posters have said, that's like asking some one in a wheelchair to get up the stairs to see you.

However you are ascribing their entire personalities and behaviour to autism. They are people in their own right. Some parents see their parenting job done once the kids are grown, and that seems to be your in-laws view. Not all families provide practical help, regardless of whether NT or ND.

Your right. I’m expecting an empathetic relationship and I won’t get one. Mismatched needs completely. You can’t stop emergencies happening just have to realise they aren’t the people to go to. It’s my problem now really, they are set.

This OP used to post numerous, repetitive threads about her in laws under various usernames. She has been given the same advice for years.

She was also active in the married to someone with ASD threads until recently (when she relentlessly berated a long-standing poster) but the story changed and it was her own parents and brother, rather than in laws. Poor form really, as many people spent a lot of time giving advice and support in good faith.

I’m sorry. I haven’t posted and I’ve not been on any ASD thread berating anyone. I have appreciated the advice I’ve been given, despite the fact my brain has trouble understanding. I am probably just as stubborn as the rest of them but don’t realise. Will take all the advice away now and work on myself.

Yes, but it will be easier once you realise that their behaviour isn't in your control, but your own is, and once you adjust your expectations and move away from the 'shoulds', you'll be more at peace with seeking support and company elsewhere.

I have two autistic children, I’m autistic, my dad and his dad too.

Im sure you’re aware that autism is a spectrum disorder. Why do you insist that they must toe the line to your autism tune? I am very very very happy in my own company, I don’t like small talk, it’s pointless and exhausting, I can function at events but I don’t want to be there and will probably come across as arrogant/rude/shy because of this. My family do not judge me. My partners family are excellent with me and will let me talk when and if iam ready to.if my partner started pushing me to not be me. That’s when we need discussions. Please let your in-laws be who they are. You sound very hard work and quite exhausting.

They haven’t opted out of anything - they are disabled and have autism 😩

My husbands family are like this, totally uninterested in each other, it took him a while to adjust to my large, loving family, with the kind of dynamics you are looking for. Families are different, I think you may just have to accept this is how it is for yours sadly and learn to cope

On reading your post I suddenly sat up and realised I could have been reading about my own DH and his family. I’m obviously older than you as my DS has left home and thankfully he’s nothing like my DH in most of his mannerisms, he’s fortunately more like me, he has a sense of humour firstly which is definitely something his DF and family have not. It’s only since Covid I’ve come to realise my DH & his family have (all bar one brother) probably got ADHD. I’ve always said they all came out of the same mould, probably wickedly to a lot of people I’ve always called them ‘thick’ for want of another word or proper label, but during Covid I did some research and came to realise it’s obviously not ‘thick’ but they are definitely “on the scale”!
In our day ADHD or being on the spectrum was classed by really crass words, because nobody really had any understanding of what they really had, so much so they were put in special schools and it was shameful to talk about it because nobody one really understood what being on the spectrum was. Nowadays fortunately we all have a much better understanding of these type of problems.
All my DH’s family are exactly like your in laws and my husband is the same and definitely has ADHD too. He also has OCD which is driving me nuts because he’s now got dementia and both problems are much worse. Now for your problem……you either accept you will NEVER change any of them, they will always live in their own little world, no amount of nagging your DH will change them nor the way they live their life, or you leave him or 3rd option you make your own life whilst married to him but get your own set of friends who can become your family. Remember you can choose which friends become family to you. I don’t bother with any of my husbands siblings nowadays as they’ve never bothered with me, I used to try but I realised years ago it was futile. I got really angry but realise there’s no point now, I was just wasting my time. In fact like I said my DH got dementia, he’s in his 6th year with it and they have never not once asked me how I’m coping or if they can help by taking him out for the day, unbelievable but it probably wouldn’t enter their heads if I’m honest. What amazes me is he can’t hold a serious conversation or understand what I want him to do a lot of the time but he phones them up and they have such a normal conversation it riles me up because I then think he’s having me on about how bad his dementia is, it’s like they have their own childhood language but really they only talk about sport on TV because that is all any of them are interested in (unlike me) so much so they probably think he’s not as bad as he really is. Yes it’s extremely stressful living with these types of family and people and if I had my time again I would of left him to be honest. You need to seriously think long and hard if you’re not happy in this situation with your DH and his family because if you’re not happy nor feel your being supported how will you feel when your kids have grown up and flown the nest? One thing I do regarding his hoarding is when he’s out if there’s anything that needs throwing and he won’t, I stick it in a bin bag and either throw it in our dustbin or stick it in my car and throw it away when I’m out. Out of sight out of mind I find works.
Remember this life is not a dress rehearsal, I’ve literally turned around and ‘am all grown up’ and I have my own health problems (his family have never visited me when I’ve been in hospital or ill, never even asked how I’m doing) please don't waste your life on this family if you’re not happy. Please dont be like me and realise too late and deeply regret the life you’ve chosen. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Not a smidge of neurodiversity in either of our families and this sounds completely normal. I have advanced cancer. Has anyone cared? Not that much. 😂 I mean, I’ve gotten a WhatsApp message wishing me well with treatment maybe twice in 2 years from BIL. MIL has watched the dc for a few hours when I needed to go for surgery.

Otherwise, we see each other every 2 months (MIL) or maybe once, twice a year (BIL/SIL) and that’s only if I do the hosting and pay for all of it. BIL was with a different SIL 🤣 about 9 years ago last time I was invited to his house. I know because I was pregnant and that baby is now 8! None of us have been to MIL’s house is a decade (her partner won’t allow it). No deep conversations, surface safe topics only, sure we can call these ‘special interests’ if you want. But they are just easy small talk topics when people aren’t especially warm with each other.

No one in our families has ever taken any of our dc out for a day out. Eldest is 13. They’ve had plenty of time. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Never had them for a sleepover (obviously we aren’t invited to their houses so that rules that out!). Our dc are NT and very easy. Our families aren’t autistic. They just aren’t massively interested, not warm and loving, there is a significant history of generational trauma there though. It’s just how it is. I fill my cup in my relationship with Dh and my friendships and passions and career and dc.

I'm diagnosed ADHD, waiting on my autism one too. Two DC diagnosed autistic. Realised that all blood relatives in both our families are ND in some way. We don't really communicate much, and I like it TBH. The group chat is more practicalities like there's a road closure in town. They arranged a barbeque on the bank holiday, but that kind of meet up makes me anxious so I didn't go. Sometimes it's more self-preservation that people are seeking to do, rather than cut people out - I often need to close off to either avoid or recover from overwhelm.
I think the thing is that you probably wanted a more connected extended family, but without being deliberately distant they are more interested in their own lives. I'm more interested in my DP and DC than the extended family.
Do you have other friends and interests? I have a great group of close friends, who I get on better with than the extended family.

I think this sounds really unsupportive and I’d hate it. So sorry OP, can you build a warm network of friends into your life?

This sounds tough OP because you are not getting the support you feel you need from your family. We're all different and we need and expect different things from relatives. Your inlaws dynamic sounds abit superficial. All families and dynamics vary obviously, but based on your updates they don't sound the most engaging, encouraging people to be around and they sound abit negative and narrow minded...I would be abit wary of having alot of that influence around kids. Can you find and foster relationships with others outside of the family? with like minded people? I wouldn't try to share things with people who weren't interested in supporting and listening so I'd go along with the family meetups but seek support elsewhere. I have found other Mums a great support who have got it when other friends and relatives haven't.