Feeling isolated after marrying into a very independent autistic family.

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I really don’t know why I’m asking but I’m just needing a place to get this out. I have married into an Autistic family and I feel like I’m dying a slow death. Don’t get me wrong, no one is directly awful but they are all self interest based and I feel alone. Both my kids are also Autistic, higher functioning but it’s hard and stressful. I did not know there was autism when I got involved. To be fair I think I’m undiagnosed also but I am also different to these folks.

I don’t have a family of such now so these are what I have. My partners parents and his brother and family live completely parallel. They will meet up and all get on well but day to day they have nothing to do with each others lives. No one visits each other, the cousins don’t have relationships because the brother focuses all his time on work and now the gf is so insecure she will not go out without him. No one asks how you are, if you do tell them something no one will do anything about it. It’s basically get through life on your own, meet do a joint interest and that’s that. I am lonely in this family, this is not the family I dreamed of, all in our separate houses living “comfortably” independently, no help, no support, no chat.

Is this something anyone has experienced?It’s like death by a thousand cuts!

You married a husband and he and your kids should be the focus surely. Friendships with non family are far more important for long term happiness

They sound normal. You sound intense.

do you not have any friends or your own family?

I don't think this is anything to do with autism, because lots of families live as you describe - to me it's completely normal. Some families just aren't that fussed about regular contact, for others it's about geographic distance, pressure of work, commitments etc.
I'm not sure what you expect this family to be providing?
If you need emotional support and contact, that's what friends are for - as the people we choose in our lives, they are the ones who really matter.

As far as I know, no-one in our families is autistic but this is pretty much how we interact.

Some families are closer than others.

my brother lives in New Zealand and has for the last twenty years so we don’t meet up often.

you do slightly contradict yourself - you say that they do meet up and get on well but are not involved day to day.

many families particularly those that are spread out don’t interact day to day.

my mum is in Lancashire, my dd is in Newcastle, my DS is in London and I live in East Anglia. We don’t interact day to day but we do phone fairly regularly.

does your husbands family live very close to each other?

Perhaps you haven't given very good examples of how this is affecting you OP. A lot of families aren't particularly close, let alone in and out of each other's lives all the time. A lot of neurotypical people wouldn't like that level of involvement either.

All conversation about anything remotely difficult, empathy, emotional, vulnerable is shut down. Smile and move on to special interests. No support with kids, very little interest in them, no visits as babies, no offer of support, hold the baby whilst you sleep after surgery and all live within 5 miles. There is nothing. I’ve not known families like this. Most families when they meet ask about each others lives and not just talk about themselves.

Sorry I meant that they will meet up if it’s something they are interested in. But if you say the kids have done this and they’d like you there, nope not interested. The only meet ups are interest based and the only conversation is said interest. Absolutely not interested in our lives.

Hi OP,

My daughter has been diagnosed ADHD and soon autism. I am probably too considering my awkward social interaction (not diagnosed yet).

I see the other side of this conversation (experience this a lot). I find it hard to talk to people in the way you mention, and any description of deep conversation would leave me running for the hills (my Mother loves those). I need to be really relaxed and extremely comfortable with someone to open up so much, and that would take weeks of being together.

My husband always says ‘why is it always about you…?’ And I say I am just sharing after he is sharing. So it may sound like your family are talking about themselves, but they are sharing a part of themselves and their lives - waiting for you to share a part of yours. Maybe that is ADHD/Autism, but it doesn't come naturally for me to say ‘and what about you..?’. But be mindful that they want to share things about themselves, and that is a big compliment.

It makes me sad thinking there is someone at the end of my conversation, just sitting there feeling bored and not joining in.

That would be be nice, but they aren’t interested in what anyone else has to say. They talk about their thing then when it’s time to talk about your thing off they go. They are self only. How they feel is all that matters. They shut us down.

Sounds like most Mumsnetters perfect inlaws

Autistic family here on both sides and honestly, this seems very normal for us.

I can't tell from what you say whether this family dynamic is directly connected to autism or whether they are just that kind of family where everyone is fond of each other but not focused much on helping each other. Either way, you'd like more support from them than they give, and you don't have a family of your own, so it's understandable you feel lonely. Do you feel supported by your partner; do you have friends and friendly acquaintances who might be up for some mutual help and support?

I've read the OP's updates and it seemed fair to come back and say my family isn't as she describes

For sure we don't live in each others' pockets but we do listen to each other and I think they'd be there if I needed them.

Sorry OP.

I hope you can forge friendships that give you the network support you need.

They're not going to change, so you have to look at other ways to get your needs met.

If you're happy in your relationship, then I would focus on trying to build a strong social circle of your own. Friendships as a "family" by choice.

They still sound completely normal.

Are they all diagnosed as having ASD or are you just imagining they do because they don’t behave how you think they should?

I know lots of families like this and as far as I'm aware, autism isn't present.

To be fair, they don't owe you the 'family you dreamed of'.

The autism is irrelevant, really.

They are who they are. They're not going to change just so you can have "the family you've dreamed of" and nor should they. You need to find your tribe outside of them.

I see grandparents take their kids out on day trips all the time, no interest in that! When the kids talk, no interest in what they say. When you say you like something or the kids tell them they like a particular activity they try and talk them out of not enjoying it. For example, why do you like swimming, you should like to do this instead and not swimming. Or you don’t need to learn that skill or that shouldn’t make you sad. I don’t feel like a person in this family, I don’t know how to explain it. Friends we have a few, it’s hard with SEN kids.

They are who they are, OP. There's no point trying to get them to change - it won't make anyone happy.

You need to make friends and connections outside of your in-laws.

You could put the basic family infrastructure in place for them. Set up a family Facebook group. Start sharing photos and news. Who knows, they may get the idea.

I'm in sort of the same situation and I have the whole family over for lunch occasionally. The first time I did it, I was asked why 😁.

Since they, they have got the idea but 5 years on, I haven't received a reciprocal invitation yet. They just think it's something odd I like doing, and they come for the free food.

I'd concentrate on your dcs and dh, making socialising part of your routine, perhaps find other mums who would welcome play dates. Get your dcs used to the idea.

But it is hard work.xx

Yes I’ve don’t a couple of bbqs etc. The brother and his kids I’ve completely given up on. Despite living 5 mins away in these 6 years we’ve never been invited to anything, not even a kids birthday. I have invited the cousins to my kids parties but I give up. We will hear if “he” has done something I or brought a new toy but never about kids or getting together. The parents we have more to do with but only when it ties in. For example if they drive this way they might visit. But if there is nothing for them to buy this side (5 miles away) then they won’t visit just to chat and have a tea see kids.

Most families are like this, but I hear you. It's tough not having support when you have SEN kids.

My father is as you describe as are some other relatives and they have autism and it is difficult. It is a social communication disability and while other posters are completely correct that emotional avoidance is extremely common in many families (stiff upper lip as it was called up until pop psychology took off on the internet) it is still really difficult to deal with.

The advice though is absolutely correct. They are how the are and you need to look outwards for your people. Families are very often dysfunctional and so aren’t the appropriate to get adult support from, that was probably the origins of the biblical cleave and leave.