Daughter unsure about first boyfriend after developing feelings for someone else

[Sweetpea0909]

My 16yr old daughter has been seeing a boy also 16 for 1.5yrs. This boy is lovely, mature, kind, worships my daughter, has good morals, all the family love him. My daughter has recently come to me to say she is unsure she wants to still be with him. After lots of talking, she admitted she has feelings for another boy. Nothing at all has happened with this other boy, they are friends and that is it. But these feelings have thrown my daughter and confused her about her feelings for her boyfriend. A lot of guilt and feeling like she shouldn't be with him if she is liking another boy. This is her first relationship. She suffers with anxiety and overthinking as it is. I am concerned that she is overthinking this and possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions. But then I feel am I just seeing it like this because we as parents feel so lucky that she has a boyfriend like the one she has. Any advice greatly appreciated. We have had a year of stuff happening and it feels like one thing after another at the moment. My 20yr old son recently split up with his fiancé too.

And? It isn’t your concern or choice. Leave them to grow.

At 16 she is allowed to change her mind. Just because he’s a nice person doesn’t mean she needs to stay with him for the rest of her life.

She should act on her feelings and dump the boyfriend. It may/may not work out but hey that’s life. We can’t always plan the perfect option and life is all about taking risks.

Perfectly normal behavior. Frankly You need to butt out and leave her to this it's all part of growing up

I understand It’s difficult as a parent to sit back and watch our children sometimes make poor choices in life,
Life is about learning and experiences - sometimes good and sometimes bad.
Only your daughter can make this decision.
It may or may not be a decision she ultimately ends up regretting and getting hurt by.
Either way, she’ll learn to value regret and loss or that sometimes moving on is for the best.

Don't be at all concerned about her 'throwing away' a boyfriend, it's fine. She should completely de-centre men entirely and focus on herself, joy, friendships, hobbies, her future.

She should absolutely ditch him. She’s a child. There’s no way she should be restricting herself at this stage of her life, and I’m alarmed you seem to think she should stay with the first guy, on the grounds that you like him. Back way off.

She's 16, she needs to make her own choices. All you can do is advise (only when she asks though!) and be prepared to pick up the pieces when if it goes wrong.

And this, exactly.

You don’t know what he is like with your DD when you are not around. You only see him putting his best foot forward, so try not to sound like you want to adopt him.

Your job here is to be a sounding board for DD and to reassure her that leaving her current boyfriend to see another boy is ok. They are all very young and learning what they need in a relationship. While her current boyfriend may be amazing, he may not be the best fit for her needs. Two great people can be incompatible.

Sorry but in the politest possible way DFOD!!!! The girl is 16. She should realise that the "one" she met as a 15 year old is very unlikely to be the "only" and finish with him and let things take their course. Why on earth would any mother think she shouldn't throw away a good relationship. It is a child's relationship not an adult one. Let her live her life and keep completely out of her decisions and please don't offer up your (terrible) advice.

He may be a lovely boy who treats her well. It would be more straightforward if she were an adult, but she’s not. She’s 16 years old, she doesn’t need to commit to anyone right now and she should be focusing on friendships, school, future career and more importantly, fun. At 16 she should be allowed to make ‘mistakes’ and explore being confronted with choices. You can’t make the choice for her but just support her either way. Remind her it’s ok to be single too- it’s not her only option to choose between the two boys!

Make sure you're not teaching her that she is 'so lucky' to have a boyfriend, that's entirely the opposite of how she should be thinking.

I think she should follow her heart if she has caught feelings for another boy. 16 is so young to settle down forever and she is still free to act on the feelings of excitement and lust and see what happens without the responsibility of adulthood. It could work out or she could regret it. Whatever happens, it'll give her some great life experience.

I remember my first proper boyfriend at 17. My dad jokingly asked if I wanted to marry him. I was like, "hell no!" as even though it was pleasant and fun, I was still so young and wanted more excitement. I soon went to uni and left him for another guy I fell for. About a year later, that relationship ended amicably and I started dating. It was all a great learning opportunity and gave me the dating experience and confidence to know what to and not to accept in a relationship.

Let her make her own mistakes. It's part of life.

Your daughter needs to make the decision herself, she's young and doesn't have to stay in a relationship if her feelings towards her boyfriend have changed. I would tell her though, that being in a relationship doesn't mean you won't meet other people you're attracted to. It's what you do about it that counts. If she wants to pursue a relationship with someone else, she needs to end the current relationship in a kind and respectful way (as she'd want to be treated herself)

It's really lovely that you have a good relationship with your DD and she confides in you.

However, I think you should try hard not to get too involved and answer her in only very general terms rather than advising her one way or the other. This is something she needs to work through herself.

I am concerned that she is overthinking this and possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions

That’s utterly ridiculous. She is 16yo. How is she ‘throwing away a relationship? This is a boyfriend at 16yo, they don’t last, that’s normal. It would be weird if they did. She can either pursue the other guy and see what she thinks of him in a boyfriend send, irrespective, the next one won’t last either; or, have no boyfriend for a while and at some point another will come along, and then another.

You seem so oddly invested in a 16yo boyfriend/girlfriend world, step back and let them make their own way without reference (unless it’s abusive of course).

Tell her it's ok to change her mind, she shouldn't feel guilty, and to treat all concerned with respect. That's it.

It's nice that you care for your daughter so much, but this is perfectly normal. Hardly anyone stays with their first love, at her age, she is changing so much and learning who she is. You need to stand back and let her learn.

I am concerned that she is overthinking this and possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions.

Why are you concerned? It's totally normal - especially at 16 - to fall out of love with someone. She's not throwing anything away, she's just assessing what she wants, and the current boyfriend is not it.

Honestly, I absolutely admire her resolve. When I was her age, I let a lot of horrible behaviour slide with boyfriends because I was so needy and in love. Different angle obviously, but I didn't break up with more than one boyf when I should have done.

It's lovely that she's confided in you about this btw, I would rather have chewed my own arm off than talk to my mum!

Encourage her to listen to her instincts and walk away if that's what she wants.16 is far too young to be tied down like this, she needs to experience life and an independent existence before she even begins to think about long term relationships

I’m a great believer that esp in the youngest part of your life, developing feelings for someone outside your relationship is a sign that your current relationship is lacking something. It can be more a symptom that the current one is coming to an end than a sign that you should be with the person you have a crush on.

I would be saying to your daughter that it’s completely up to her, but she should go with her gut and if that says that she shouldn’t be with her boyfriend any more that’s ok. She can single for a bit and see what happens. She needs to know that however much her family likes the boyfriend she is allowed to make her own choices. She might have very good reasons you don’t know about.

She is very young, it's not a good idea for her to tie herself down at 16.
She should trust her instincts and just enjoy being young, carefree and independent. 16 is an age to concentrate on education, what type of career she wants, trying different things and growing into an independent, confident adult not choosing a life partner.

She's 16...... and yet the OP talks as if the daughter should be having a serious relationship!
Maybe it's time this young woman was encouraged to just have fun, make friends of both sexes, progress her education and not even entertain the idea of any kind of "relationship"?

“Tryagain26 · Today 11:44
She is very young, it's not a good idea for her to tie herself down at 16.
She should trust her instincts and just enjoy being young, carefree and independent. 16 is an age to concentrate on education, what type of career she wants, trying different things and growing into an independent, confident adult not choosing a life partner.”

@Tryagain26 has nailed it. This with bells on.

This is all very normal. Most teens go through many different relationships before they settle down and that’s okay, it’s them changing and finding themselves. Just support her whatever happens and don’t make it a big deal.