Daughter unsure about first boyfriend after developing feelings for someone else

[Sweetpea0909]

My 16yr old daughter has been seeing a boy also 16 for 1.5yrs. This boy is lovely, mature, kind, worships my daughter, has good morals, all the family love him. My daughter has recently come to me to say she is unsure she wants to still be with him. After lots of talking, she admitted she has feelings for another boy. Nothing at all has happened with this other boy, they are friends and that is it. But these feelings have thrown my daughter and confused her about her feelings for her boyfriend. A lot of guilt and feeling like she shouldn't be with him if she is liking another boy. This is her first relationship. She suffers with anxiety and overthinking as it is. I am concerned that she is overthinking this and possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions. But then I feel am I just seeing it like this because we as parents feel so lucky that she has a boyfriend like the one she has. Any advice greatly appreciated. We have had a year of stuff happening and it feels like one thing after another at the moment. My 20yr old son recently split up with his fiancé too.

This. It's part of growing up. Very few people end up with their first love.

I’d be thrilled if my sixteen year old daughter broke up with a boyfriend shed had for a year and a half.

My in laws met when they were fourteen and sixteen and have been happily married for sixty something years but it’s hardly the norm or something I would want for my own child.

My own daughter thought her boyfriend was ‘the one’. Now at twenty two she laughs at herself for thinking that. She thought it because she was young and completely inexperienced.

Absolutely this! A good parent who was thinking straight about their child's best interests would be delighted, even as he/she was sympathetic to the child's complicated feelings about ending her first relationship.

There's a reason why we don't generally hold people to decisions they make aged 16.

If your daughter ends up marrying the boy she met at 14, this will have ramifications down the road too.

Life is full of sliding doors moments. Let her live it!

I really think if she has anxiety that you need to make sure you aren’t being over the top in your expectations of her. Putting it on to a child that she could be throwing away a good relationship is frankly nuts. It’s little wonder that she over thinks things.

If my sixteen year old came to me and said she had developed feelings for a friend my response would be along the lines of ‘oh yes, Bob. The one who is doing DT’ or whatever. That’s what I would think and that is what I would say. Not anything about throwing away a relationship.

And certainly not anything about how she is lucky to have a nice boyfriend! Why wouldn’t she? Presumably you think she’s nice herself.

At a similar age, I had a bf for a similar length of time. My DM told me I'd met him too soon as he was perfect. I dumped him and had 101 other boyfriends. The world didn't end!

Let her make up her own mind.

Could this be related to your feelings about your DS being gay?

"She should completely de-centre men entirely and focus on herself, joy, friendships, hobbies, her future."

Quoted for emphasis

She’s 16, she’s very unlikely to stay with this boyfriend long term anyway. They will both grow and change and it’s perfectly normal to grow apart at that age.
If it were my daughter I would tell her if she is having doubts about this relationship that’s absolutely fine and she should respectfully end things if that’s what she wants.
I would also advise her to be single for a little while and not rush in to a new relationship and definitely don’t dump one boy for another one.

She’s 16, not 45 and married.

let her make her own decisions.

also, if it all goes wrong, it’s a great lesson with not much impact.

Her daughter asked her advice

Well good for you for having the kind of relationship where your DD can talk to you about these things.

Your job as her parent is to listen to her and tell her that her thoughts and feelings are valid.

Be careful 'advising' or sharing your own thoughts too much and just let her know that this is HER decision, and hers alone, and that it is not for you to influence what she does. She needs to own the decisions she makes and know that she was the one that made them or if it ends up being wrong, then she will come back to you and could blame you.

Guide her instead. Tell her to listen to her inner thoughts and go with her gut feeling. She won't always know if the decisions she makes are the right ones until they are made. But just let her know that you are there for her and respect whatever decision she comes to.

If she is looking at other boys then maybe her current relationship is not right but also just let her know that its okay for her to be single for a while if that is also what she decides to do.

Good Luck OP. Its difficult not getting too involved in their lives and telling them what you think they should do but she is of the age now where she is growing and learning and figuring out what she wants and who she wants to be.

Be a listening ear but don’t give her too much one-sided advice.

Tell her how you feel but that ultimately she’s young and she needs to prioritise her own happiness.

This is silly kids stuff and I’m not sure why you’re taking it so seriously.
They’ll likely break up within a few months.

I am wondering if you’re the 16yo and if so it’s ok to say and you might get better responses then ‘just stay out of it’ 😊

She needs to get out there and experience the world, not be tied down to a boyfriend at her age!

You're overthinking this (I can see where your daughter gets it from). It's all perfectly normal behaviour from your daughter, she's 16 and they have strong feelings at that age, which they often change their minds about! Did you think that she was going to settle down and marry this guy? Sure he sounds nice and a great boyfriend etc but due to her age she's highly unlikely to be with him for the rest of her life and if she's having doubts then she shouldn't string him along.

I know it's natural to worry as her mum but you seem a bit too invested in your kids' relationships and you need to let them make their own decisions (and mistakes). Your kids splitting up with their girlfriends/ fiancees when they are so young should not be such a source of anguish to you, there are much worse things in life and you need perspective. Try not to worry so much about such small things.

Plus that was a different time when women had a lot less choices! Be interesting to know how happy they both were throughout the entire marriage and if either was 100% faithful!

Anyone running a book with the odds of the OP coming back to the thread??

This is all a bit intense! I think being with a boy for a year and a half when you’re only 16 is a bit much anyway. But being expected to stay with him and consider this sort of way you would if you were 30 is ridiculous. The lad she is dating now is not your future son-in-law (unless she’s very, very unusual) so don’t get attached and try and encourage her to be a bit more casual about the whole thing.

We adored my daughter's first boyfriend. We were devastated when she finished with him out of the blue. Then he started stalking her. Turned out he was really controlling. It went to court. You have no idea what might be going on. Support your daughter in whatever she wants to do.

The very last thing I would want for my daughter is to be in a long term relationship at the age of 16. She’s bored and fed up and feels guilty about dumping him. This is how fed up housewives with kids and mortgages feel in their 40s, not teenagers. I would advise her to end it with this boy and see how she feels. Stay single, date the new boy, concentrate of friends, snog Jack Simpson at the sixth form ball, the following night snog Oliver Jones, she should do what she likes! I would not get invested in any of her relationships. She’s a child.

She is 16. Hardly likely to get married to her first boyfriend. ‘Throw away a relationship’??? She is 16. What are you talking about

This is all totally normal stuff. She might break up with him and regret it, she might not. That’s life. Ever seen Gilmore Girls btw?!

You're being very over-intense and over-involved about a relationship between two literal children.

It's very normal and perfectly healthy for teenagers to break up with boyfriends/girlfriends because they realise they fancy someone else. Very few people end up in lifelong relationships with people they started dating at the age of 14 or 15.

This is really none of your business at all.

It could be a good lesson of the grass isn’t always greener, however it’s a choice she has to make herself, she’s young she has plenty of chance to make mistakes with boys

Agreed.

Tell her this please.