Daughter unsure about first boyfriend after developing feelings for someone else

[Sweetpea0909]

My 16yr old daughter has been seeing a boy also 16 for 1.5yrs. This boy is lovely, mature, kind, worships my daughter, has good morals, all the family love him. My daughter has recently come to me to say she is unsure she wants to still be with him. After lots of talking, she admitted she has feelings for another boy. Nothing at all has happened with this other boy, they are friends and that is it. But these feelings have thrown my daughter and confused her about her feelings for her boyfriend. A lot of guilt and feeling like she shouldn't be with him if she is liking another boy. This is her first relationship. She suffers with anxiety and overthinking as it is. I am concerned that she is overthinking this and possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions. But then I feel am I just seeing it like this because we as parents feel so lucky that she has a boyfriend like the one she has. Any advice greatly appreciated. We have had a year of stuff happening and it feels like one thing after another at the moment. My 20yr old son recently split up with his fiancé too.

I always told my children that the people they were attracted to during high school, would not be the people they were attracted to in university. And that the people they were attracted to in university, would not be the people they were attracted to once they started their careers/jobs. That it is ok to outgrow people, no matter how lovely they might be.

I also told them they should go on holidays together, before moving in together. And be very wary of anyone who wants to move in together in just a few months.

Also build flat pack furniture together! And have plants and pets together, before having children. They laugh when we talk about this, but both seem to take it on board. Ultimately, they know I will never impose my feelings about partners on them, but am just giving some hopefully useful tips to them,

So? Why are you getting so involved and trying to micro manage her? And maybe this boy isn’t as amazing as you seem to think he is.

Exactly this.

I would assure her that being in a relationship doesn't stop you finding other people attractive. Whether you decide to act on those feelings are up to an individual and that's a decision she has to make on her own.

I’m screen shotting this post ⬆️

All fantastic advice.

The notion she's staying with a boyfriend she started seeing at 14/15 for any significant amount of time is highly unlikely. No matter how much you like him or allege he 'worships' her. That's not very healthy really is it. Being 'worshipped' while you want to get off with someone else.

She's grown out of this lad and fancies other guys. She doesn't owe this teenage sweetheart permanent commitment. She's pretty much a child still!

Just tell her she can date or shag whoever she likes , or stop wishing to do so at any point. But obviously it would be kind and decent to spilt with the bf first.

Jeez, I’d be trying to persuade her to play the field at her age and have loads of casual boyfriends.

She’s far too young to settle for anyone as she’s not had time to learn about who she really is!

I tell mine to wait until after 25 before they think about getting serious and settling down.

My daughter is 17 and been with her boyfriend for almost 2 years. He's absolutely lovely and we treat him like family, but im under no illusion that it probably won't last - due to her age and that she is going off to uni next year etc etc. Your daughter needs to do what she feels is right for her as its the only way she will learn and grow. That's what I always say to mine. Yes she might have a horrible boyfriend next time but she can't just stay with the nice one if she's not feeling it anymore. All we can do as parents is be there when/if something goes wrong as its all part of growing up, it is hard though! I find myself thinking if I knew then what I know now all the time 🤣

and possibly going to throw away a good relationship

So what? She’s 16. You want her to marry the boy she started dating at 14? And your son was engaged at 20?!

This is fantastic advice.

This happens a lot. You welcome the boyfriend into your family circle and like him and are relieved he is not a layabout. Then your DD, entirely normally, develops feelings for another boy, whom you do not know and who might for all you now be a complete loser.

But you have to let your feelings go and leave her to work it out for herself. She needs to know you are there to help her if needed but you cannot pass an opinion because it will be based on your experience and wishes and these do not count! So stand back.

The only reason not to is if you know for sure that this guy is a loser and likely to give your DD grief, but even then expressing a view might simply force her into his arms.

I have 3 adult DDs - been there, done that!

I think some PP are misreading some of this. The daughter is thinking she shouldn’t be with her boyfriend because she has some feelings for someone else - that’s nonsense. It’s normal for her to have a crush on someone else, and she can make a choice - it doesn’t “mean” anything. That’s all you need to tell her OP, whether she stays with her boyfriend or not is kind of irrelevant, she just needs to make the choice from a calm place

(also, there’s nothing wrong with staying in the same relationship from teenage hood into adulthood - if it’s the right person, it’s the right person)

There is nothing you need to do or should do other than listen and be there for her.

16 is too young to be in a serious relationship, and certainly not ‘forever’ . She should end it with her current boyfriend and get out there and have some fun with friends.

Did your son realise he is also far too young for thinking about marriage when there's a whole life out there to be lived?

I sense there's at least a bit of pressure felt by both of them to settle with nice partners.

Don't get too invested in your DD's romances but definitely let her know that she should treat her boyfriend with the same respect she would want to receive. At 16, I think breaking up is best if she's developing feelings for someone else. Might also be good to not have a boyfriend for a while.

Two of my DDs are married to their first boyfriends whom they met at 16. They are very happy with lovely families of their own and lots of lovely shared memories of supporting each other during the first steps into adult relationships. For both it was the right person.
Both they and their partners maintained their friendships throughout. It was not either have a boyfriend or enjoy time with your friends ... they both did both.
I do not think anyone should say what they should do, except what is right for them.

Engaged and not again at 20? Serious years-long relationship at 16?

Do they have jobs, interests, hobbies, friends, ambitions, passions? Or have they been socialised to believe relationships are all important? I see parents at DD’s school who push this stuff and it’s really damaging.

Just hope she doesn't decide not to go to university or goes somewhere not so good but close to home because she wants to stay near him. Don't ask me how I know 🙈.

Honestly, I would be very concerned about not one but two children who had so little confidence or wish to explore the world and a range of relationships that they looked around, grabbed someone in their immediate vicinity and stuck to them.

This is the best advice on this thread OP!!!

I still remember the annoyance I felt when my mum tried to stick her beak into my love life when I was 19 and later on berated me for splitting with someone she deemed perfect.

It is never a good idea to stick your beak into your children's love life. Be a sounding board, but nothing more.

Weve had a difficult year my son left his partner and now my daughter wants to leave hers!!?? Oh my goodness you need to get your own life and just be there for your daughter,

JFC … she’s 16. You’re overthinking all this.

i agree, it’s quite surprising that two people managed to meet their partners whilst they were still children and so hadn’t travelled, gone to university or even worked. What can they have in common? That they both don’t like the maths teacher or they both went to the same Tumble Tots in the same church hall?

You honestly sound way too involved in your daughter’s love life. It’s nice she talks to you but you’ve just got to listen and let her make her own decisions. It’s part of growing up. Think you’ve just got to go with the flow of it.