Daughter unsure about first boyfriend after developing feelings for someone else

[Sweetpea0909]

My 16yr old daughter has been seeing a boy also 16 for 1.5yrs. This boy is lovely, mature, kind, worships my daughter, has good morals, all the family love him. My daughter has recently come to me to say she is unsure she wants to still be with him. After lots of talking, she admitted she has feelings for another boy. Nothing at all has happened with this other boy, they are friends and that is it. But these feelings have thrown my daughter and confused her about her feelings for her boyfriend. A lot of guilt and feeling like she shouldn't be with him if she is liking another boy. This is her first relationship. She suffers with anxiety and overthinking as it is. I am concerned that she is overthinking this and possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions. But then I feel am I just seeing it like this because we as parents feel so lucky that she has a boyfriend like the one she has. Any advice greatly appreciated. We have had a year of stuff happening and it feels like one thing after another at the moment. My 20yr old son recently split up with his fiancé too.

This happened to me. Had a lovely first boyfriend but head was turned by a friend when feelings for him grew. So I did leave for this other boy but he wasnt a good boyfriend and we didn’t have the right chemistry.

miraculously, I stayed friends with the first boyfriend and we did try again once but didn’t work out. 20 years later we’re still friends and I’ve not spoken to that other guy for many years.

i regret breaking my first boyfriend’s heart but I doubt I’d have done anything different. He has a lovely partner now. Teens need to follow their own path.

To be honest this is an excellent opportunity to learn that you can leave a relationship ‘juat because you don’t want to be in it any
more and you don’t need an excuse. Wish I’d learnt that at 16!

That was me. Loooooong divorced from him now. I was too young getting married!

The daughter approached her mum for advice.

I think it's crazy to have a boyfriend of 1.5y at 16 so I'm clearly not the right person to have an opinion here.

Not crazy .... happens all the time.

But she needs to know it is fine for her to have feelings for someone else and that this is normal. She just needs you to be there for her to advise as and when needed. If she decides to end her relationship she may need help to navigate this with kindness.

I had a boyfriend at 16, he was 17 and dumped the girl he'd been seeing for two years for me. I quickly got a bit fed up as I felt trapped but was also expected to feel lucky to have a boyfriend. I started looking around especially as he didn't want me seeing friends. He actually said he'd done all his living now and just wanted me! He wanted to be with me every night.

I told my parents and my dad kept saying "you can't be true to two" and "I like Ben. I really like Ben". Eventually I did cheat on him, only dating, though, no sex. I felt like the worst kind of person and so guilty and even recently my friend said how "naughty" I'd been, still harping on something that happened in 2006.

We split up after a really big argument just before my 19th birthday.

I also think it’s crazy to have a serious boyfriend at the age of 16 and no way i’d be encouraging my DDs to date at that age. Those years are for finding out who you are! I’d definitely encourage her to dump him gently but also to not feel the need to rush into anything else.

I disagree tbh. I credit my first relationship with teaching me about how to form a decent loving relationship even though we were kids.

it’s something they don’t teach in school. You find who you are not just through passions but friendships and relationships. Also, hormones are off the charts! Better to have sex in a stable situation.

Part of finding out who you are is about learning how you relate in a sexual way.

I don't think this poster has encouraged her DD to date at a young age. It is just how it has turned out and is very much the norm. She is trying to help her deal with her feelings and learn how to relate to others. It can be quite tricky, but the important thing is not to impose anything on her ... no "shoulds" in terms of whether dating young is wrong or right; just help to navigate it.

Shouldn’t she be talking to her friends about this kind of stuff

How do you ‘find out who you are’ unless you experience things though?

I was in a relationship from 15-17 and I learned a LOT. DH is the total opposite of him thankfully.

This. Perfect advice.

It's actually a good thing if she learns at this age that relationships can end in a healthy way... but if they are all in the middle of GCSEs perhaps get through that first to minimise any disruption

She's 16, it's likely she will have other relationships before settling down. My Dd had a boyfriend we liked from 16, they maintained their relationship through separate uni's and him travelling abroad for his course, we had high hopes but she split with him after graduation, when he accepted a job in a different part of the country to where she wanted to work. We had to accept that we had no right to interfere in any way.

Use vaguisms like "I can't tell you what to do, you need to do what you feel is right."

She's way too young to be settling for someone good on paper.

I see what you mean in that you’re happy she has a nice boyfriend who treats her well and you all like. However, being young is the time in your life to be free, have different relationships, different life experiences. It’s ok to make mistakes and learn from them. All part of growing up. Just let her make her own choices and be there for her to talk to. No judgement, just lots of love and honesty. You can say what you think, but as long as she knows you support her to make the right decisions for herself, that’s the most important thing.

This could have been me - I was with an absolutely lovely guy from age 15-18. First love and all that. I found that I was very attracted to a different guy and so broke it off with my first love. It broke his heart and I felt really sad that we had ended but it was the right decision.
I was with the second guy about 2 years before he dumped me, my turn to be heartbroken! We all survived.

“Ponderingwindow · Yesterday 18:40
She is 16. You should encourage her to move on from any relationship at this age with absolutely no guilt. She is learning about herself as a person and changing every day. She is not beholden to a relationship with another person.
Her only obligation is to be ethical in her breakups and tell the person before she moves on.”

@Ponderingwindow has nailed it. This with bells on!

This isn't your decision to make ... step back and give advice like this is a choice your daughter needs to make .
She is a child of 16 she needs to live her life good and bad learn from mistakes its how life rolls.
If she wasn't changing and growing and figuring herself out she wouldn't be having new feelings for someone else... its natural for her she is finding out what she likes and wants and what she doesn't.
It has to be her choice .

This is the age to split up and try out different people. encourage her to follow her heart but with kindness to others feelings.
it may be different if she was 37 and wanted kids.

She’s 16 it would be healthy to break up after 18 months. I would listen if she wants to talk but wouldn’t encourage her to stay in a relationship.

100%. Really unhealthy to stay with someone from age 14 and shocked OP that you’re advocating that! Back off and let her grow and find herself.

I agree but it does seem to be one of those weird Mumsnet things (along with huge age gap relationships) that lots of posters will say is perfectly normal & they know umpteen people who met at 14 and are still together umpteen years later...

Please encourage her to consider whether maybe she just doesn’t need to have a boyfriend and can have some time enjoying making friendships and connections with different people in order to get to know her likes and dislikes and be able to see red flags when they’re there.
She should not be limiting herself age 16 no matter how nice the guy.