Daughter unsure about first boyfriend after developing feelings for someone else

[Sweetpea0909]

My 16yr old daughter has been seeing a boy also 16 for 1.5yrs. This boy is lovely, mature, kind, worships my daughter, has good morals, all the family love him. My daughter has recently come to me to say she is unsure she wants to still be with him. After lots of talking, she admitted she has feelings for another boy. Nothing at all has happened with this other boy, they are friends and that is it. But these feelings have thrown my daughter and confused her about her feelings for her boyfriend. A lot of guilt and feeling like she shouldn't be with him if she is liking another boy. This is her first relationship. She suffers with anxiety and overthinking as it is. I am concerned that she is overthinking this and possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions. But then I feel am I just seeing it like this because we as parents feel so lucky that she has a boyfriend like the one she has. Any advice greatly appreciated. We have had a year of stuff happening and it feels like one thing after another at the moment. My 20yr old son recently split up with his fiancé too.

Nailed it. ^

They did explore the world .. both went to different universities at different ends of the country; both did travelling with their own friends. And through all this their relationships held because they loved and trusted each other in both instances.
Trust me they had and have plenty of confidence!
This respect for each other and their own spaces and interests have continued throughout both the marriages.
Do not be so quick to judge!

I’m thinking the exact same. The OPs daughter is still almost a child. She needs to be out enjoying life and the same with her son. This has to be a wind up

And yet they didn't explore other people, and other potential sexual relationships. They both stuck with a decision based on proximity aged sixteen.

Whilst recognising that any relationship at this age is unlikely to last, she needs to think about what is likely to be best for her now. If the current relationship is going well it may not be the right thing to throw that away for all the drama and heartbreak of pursuing another potential relationship that might not go anywhere.

I honestly think modern parenting has lost the plot

You are actively trying to work out what your 16 year old should do ? In choosing between two normal teen boys in a totally normal dilemma for 16 year old?

You have no idea what the better outcome is - at 16 there isn't actually a 'better' outcome. She might regret choosing boy number 2 - and that would then just be part of her life experiences that lead to her making better deicsions in future.

The best thing you can do is tell her to be honest and kind and remember at her age none of it really matters.

After re reading my post I can see that some of my wording may have been misleading. But what I can't see, is me saying that I have told or instilled on my daughter my own thoughts or feelings about this. We have a very close relationship and she comes to me openly to air her feelings and for advice. I was going to add some more context to my post but I realise it would be futile and that actually I don't need to explain or justify every little thing. This is my first post asking for advice and wow I didn't realise that my character and parenting skills would be slammed. To those of you that gave me constructive advice using an open mind and kind words, thank you, it is greatly appreciated ❤️

She's 16. She needs to make her own mistakes and her own decisions. She can't stick to the 'nice guy' because you want her to. That's not fair on him either who might need to be set free to find someone down the track for whom he is the one.

We all put on different hats and navigate different friendships and relationships as we go through life. I know as a parent you want to protect them, but it's with a mind of trying to transfer all your hard-earned knowledge into her psyche. She needs to learn her own hard earned knowledge. For good or bad, hopefully ultimately good.

The only thing I would counsel her is that it's not this nice boy's fault she feels differently now. So she needs to treat him well and with respect. But to to be true to her own path.

I think at 16 you can change your mind . He might be a nice person , but that doesn't mean she has to be tied to him forever...feelings are temporary, especially at that age -1.5 years is a long time when your 16. She has to chose to end it or not. Even if she worries anout hurting him ...amd overthinks it, ultimately its her choice amd sometimes you habe to be the villain in someone's story in order to help them get over it and if her feelings aren't there anymore its ultimately kinder to let him go amd not string him along I guess. Its very hard to step back and I sympathise but its not necessarily a 'wrong' decision.

She should learn to listen to herself. She has feelings for someone else. She is young. She is being responsible. She isn't cheating. I think she will figure this one out on her own. Tell her you love her and you trust her to do what is right for her and you are there no matter what. He won't be the last I am sure.

She's so young! We all learn and grow through relationships, and she has a lot of learning and growing to do. It's unlikely that her now-BF, however nice, can give her all the experience that will help her become a fully rounded adult.

It sounds like a normal teenage relationship. Let her figure things out herself but be there for her if she needs advice and support. Teenage relationships usually run their course and are learning experiences.

She is 16. You should encourage her to move on from any relationship at this age with absolutely no guilt. She is learning about herself as a person and changing every day. She is not beholden to a relationship with another person.

Her only obligation is to be ethical in her breakups and tell the person before she moves on.

Why are you so keen for your DD to settle down with someone she started dating at age 14? That would be really worrying to me if they committed so young. As is normal with teenagers, her feelings have changed and she has feelings for another boy. Let her follow her feelings. This will probably happen many more times as she grows and matures and when she has become an adult she will then be looking to meet a life partner. Far too young at the moment, she should just be having fun!

I can remember being 16 and having a lovely boyfriend and he was gorgeous as well. Also from quite a wealthy family. My parents adored him. As did I.
Then a few weeks in I met his best mate. Similar background to mine, a bit more of a brooding and enigmatic type. He started going out with a close friend of mine.
Every time the four of us were together I would try my best not to engage with him but we had so much in common.
About 10 months in my boyfriend was away on holiday and my friend was away and you can guess the rest.
My mum never once judged me. I was 17 then, and this is four decades ago and we were Catholic. And she said I can see why you fancy this boy, if I were your age, I would as well. She was very level-headed my mum, very little shocked her.
It all blew up in my face. I spilt up with my boyfriend, the other lad went back to my friend who forgave him and not me.
The two lads made it up eventually and we are all still mates now, minus my friend who moved away. I still get a bit of stick for it, but we are all close to 60 now.
Do I regret it? No. It’s a part of growing up.
People get hurt. It’s how you learn.
But those memories bring bag cups of tea and biscuits with my mum. Chats about life. Advice. My future dreams. One day, they will be the same things your daughter remembers.

My parents thought my first boyfriend when I was a similar age was great, probably based on the fact that his parents were better off and he went to private school for primary. They were disappointed when I ended the relationship. Actually he was abusive and coerced me into sex before I was ready but I didn't fully realise this was abuse until much later.

@Sweetpea0909 you don't really know what he's like so encourage your daughter to rely on her own judgement.

Two of your children went to university two years deep into a relationship that began when they were sixteen!

Kept those relationships going long distance for three more years at least then went travelling with friends whilst still maintaining a relationship that began five years before when they were children.

Travelled through Asia or worked on a macadamia farm in Australia whilst having to consider a person who they were in a serious five or more year relationship with and they hadn’t lived in the same place with for years and then just settled down with them?

Did none of the four people in these relationships feel as if they had changed during all of these experiences? They still felt as if they were the same people at sixteen that they were at twenty two despite doing all of those things? None of them grew or felt differently about anything?

She's planning on going to uni about 3 hours from us and said if he's got a problem then its his problem, not hers. She's got a plan and she's sticking to it 😊

She is growing up and they are probably drifting apart. Don’t shift your views onto her. She can break up with him if she wants to.

16 year old with a serious relationship that is causing her anxiety. 20 year old with an ex fiancee. What are your hopes for your children? Marriage? That it?

possibly going to throw away a good relationship because of perfectly normal 16yr old emotions
I would not be encouraging this at 16. she is 16!!! A child. She doesnt want to be in this relationship anymore. Stop interfering. She should be focused on her friends.

But then I feel am I just seeing it like this because we as parents feel so lucky that she has a boyfriend like the one she has
ffs.

Well of course they had changed - of course they were different people!

That happens whatever age we meet our partners. They grew and developed alongside each other as all people do within their partnerships.

They are not my only DDs and it has to be said that they are the two with the happiest and most stable relationships. Playing the field does not always work for everyone.

We are all different and I rejoice in the fact that these 2 couples are stable and happy with respect for each other and that they give each other space and respect each others' need to pursue their own interests. I cannot imagine why anyone would be worried about this. There are few enough happy couples as we can clearly see from reading Mumsnet!

They could of course have played the field and those choices were open to them. But just because you can do something does not mean that you should if it is not right for you. They are intelligent women and I trust their judgements.

My son met his wife when they were 14 and 15. They broke up at 16 for a few months( I was devastated!) but got back together. Both 28 now with a baby on the way. If it's meant to be it's meant to be.

She is 16! She will possibly have many boyfriends til she find the one. She is so young! Wait for uni days 😂

Respectfully, they're still in their twenties. There's still a long life ahead to potentially regret the consequences of a teenage decision.

if she and he are currently sitting GCSEs in the UK, I'd encourage her to be busy studying, not see him but not break up with him in the middle of exams.