Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

@Morrisons26 what a beautiful post. Congratulations and enjoy your good life 💕

That’s gorgeous @Morrisons26 sooo happy for you!

Hope you have a great holiday @Echobelly!

Being a Mum is so very very hard, especially when you carry all the emotional load, which seems to be very common in many families but particularly in ND families I am noticing. The burden is 100% and also a lot of defending, deflecting, minimising to protect the children from the DH damaging them too much - this seems to be a common theme.

My brother used Sam Harris, Waking Up app to help get his control issues 'under control' LOL! Non-dualistic meditation and philosophy has helped him a lot and me too. Over time some kind of acceptance starts to feel more natural...

I also have to say that escitalopram 10mg is also doing some of the heavy lifting for the OCD. It helps your brain move on much more quickly and stop obsessing and going down the rabbit holes and flipping domino like switches that then trip other wires etc. It's almost like with OCD you develop a groove of thought in the brain and then your thoughts just keep running in that groove and it gets deeper and deeper but escitalopram or similar is able to make the groove almost flat so it's like you have the thought, but then your brain just moves onto other things so much more easily and you find you've barely noticed that thought and you're onto other things. This keeps happening and it's like the groove becomes flatter and flatter over time and the habit of that thought and the fear of it, diminish over time. It's a great experience and life becomes so much more relaxed.

My brother is probably on escitalopram for life. Many of my ex-patient friends have accepted they're on theirs for life too. I may well be as well but I'm not ashamed or saddened. I know I have a sensitised nervous system from trauma as a child and a brain that thinks in a certain way maybe because of this, because I never felt safe or perhaps because of genetics, or perhaps a mix of both, who knows, but if I had a heart problem, I wouldn't not take a medicine to help it, I'd take it because it would help my heart. I see my medicine in the same light, it helps my brain, it helps me have a better life. Genetics, upbringing, circumstance, environment you're living in, life experience, they all contribute to how our thinking unfolds. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. I just hope it lasts - but look - there's another thought- another fear! Acceptance and commitment therapy has also been helpful too. Observing thoughts and knowing they aren't real - they're just thoughts...

Anyway, this has become looong... rumination is definitely something you can become aware of and you start to see the dominoes before they fall and you go - aha! OK I see you brain, I see what you are doing... and just the awareness starts to help you. Then there's exposure therapy which can also help, all of this they could do in therapy with you and support you around your specific fears. It sounds like you already have this awareness and... then redirect. If it's still troublesome though, medication could be the thing that takes the constant devil on your back feeling away.. Anyway, not recommending or recommending, just sharing my experiences.

I know how powerful the mind is, you have my sympathy. Group therapy was amazing to have it broken down in and hear other people's OCD experiences. It was strangely reassuring to know a) I wasn't the only one and b) hear other people's fears and see how irrational they were which c) ended up helping me see mine in a less fearful way. It was good to talk it all through. Nothing like getting it out your head and into someone else's and get them reflecting stuff back to you. It kind of takes the power of it, if you have a skilled therapist and a room full of people that want change. In fact I was so confronted by the first group OCD session I couldn't sleep for 2 nights. It was like I finally understood what had been going on all these years and I was in shock! I felt so called out but in a good way. Crazy!

Thanks @Echobelly Have a great holiday!! Hope you can enjoy your time without too much stress!

@Morrisons26 It's so so good to hear you've been revitalized and almost re-born.

People don't realise what living with a storm cloud is like until you stop, and then life transforms.

All the best - may your joy stay with you lifelong! I'm quite sure you'll appreciate the good in your life much more now =)

I came to the conclusion not long ago that my ex-H is not a bad man, but was a terrible husband.

it's helped me a great deal. Some of what went on is still deeply traumatic, but at times he could be kind and sometimes perceptive. It's not good enough just to wipe him off as A Bad Man however badly he acted (and my god, he did). It's more accurate and gives me more peace to acknowledge that he was a bad husband - terrible, actually - but that doesn't mean he's a bad man overall.

I thought my DD had a bit of a breakthrough today with some empathy but it appears I was wrong. She had been out somewhere with a friend. The friend vomited. My DD did help her (I thought out of empathy). Afterwards she said mummy I was feeling a bit anxious about that. I said it’s normal to feel worried for your friend. She said no I wasn’t worried about her I was worried I would be sick. Then my feelings of me being sick made me anxious and I didn’t like this feeling so I wanted her to just be ok! I’m not sure what to make of this!

@Marshmallowkiss tbh I think a not so small number of NT would react like that too.
You just have to see what happens when someone is sick or falls over. How many people actually go and help. How many laugh (because they can’t help it) or turn away (because seeing someone vomit makes them sick/nauseous).

I think the important bit is that your dd helped her friend. She didn’t run away or ignore her because she felt nauseous. She stayed even though she was uncomfortable

Yeah she did help her friend outside to be sick. I suppose it was the way she then focused on her own feelings instead of her friend. She said to me after it ruined my afternoon because she made me feel worried. It’s hard as that’s life really. I spend every minute worrying about my kids. I feel like what she experienced was normal but she hates her feelings as she can’t regulate them. She also blames her feelings on the other person so this was her friends fault. I think in this situation though most people would feel a bit worried like you say so what she has experienced is normal but she doesn’t see it like that.

@Marshmallowkiss how old is your dd?

10, she is diagnosed ADHD but I really suspect ASD also. She is extremely demand avoidance and she doesn’t seem to know her feelings, where they are from, separate them from others etc. She blames all her feelings on someone else. Her worry for example will be given to her from someone else. I need some good ways to help her with this. She is a great kid though, very adventurous and likes to look after small children. Likes the control and the fact they don’t hurt her feelings.

Omg on another note, bloody asd husbands. I really can’t be bothered to train this man. Both kids are demand avoidant and I repeat over and over that he needs to watch the way he communicates with them as he is very dictatorship and they won’t do anything if he talks like that. Happened again this morning! He thinks he is right when he isn’t, he won’t budge and inch for what they need. Why does if seem that the men find adapting so much harder then women. I mean I find it hard but I can see I’m rigid at times and need to relax. I’ll try anything to make our house more compliant and comfortable.

At 10yo, I feel you need to remember that she is still very young and egocentric. And this is totally normal.

Im not denying that there are things that won’t come as naturally to her. Or that she won’t need more support.
But children on the spectrum tend to take more time to mature. I’d say from the ND children around me, a good couple of years.

And my experience is also that they learn. Later. Sometimes in a weird sideway way. But they do. Dc2 has become very careful and caring. In a way that makes my friends with NT children go ‘he did what?!?’ (As in he is much more careful than them)
A friend of mine with a ds who is quite severely affected is seeing the same thing.
But they are both early 20s, not teen or pre teens. At that stage, there was meltdowns, high anxiety, struggling to make friends or engage with people.
What changed is just time, teaching them again and again. At some point, it stinks in.

I suppose so. It’s so bloody hard sitting back and watching this all happen. She is very reactive in social situations, rude to her friends and conformational then sad as no one likes her. I want to train her to help her quicker so she suffers less but I know she won’t learn till she is developmentally capable. It’s not nice watching this play out. Kids are not forgiving, once you do something wrong they push you out, parents tell them not to play with her. It’s all very traumatic.

@Marshmallowkiss sorry if I've missed this but has she been on any socialization courses for autistic/ND children ? they can be very good. sometimes they dont seem to make a difference at the time but as @SpecialMangeTout3 says, it sinks in and comes out later

@Marshmallowkiss it is very hard to see your child struggle and not be able to do much about it.
It broke my heart seeing dc2 so isolated.

Despite the unpromising prelude, our weekend away was lovely (if very, very hot). Bosnia is beautiful and Mostar fascinating, though its story is heartbreakingly sad. At the same time, there is an amazing sense of optimism from how it has recovered in just over 30 years from the most harrowing violence and division. So an unusual and rewarding anniversary trip.

@Echobelly I’m really happy it all went well for you and the hols was a success.
Times when things go well, and you enjoy things and each other are so important

I think the night before we went he was in what I'd call 'high need mode', which I suspect is common to ND people. He was stressed by some stuff at work, wrung out and had no 'coping' left. And it's not easy because in that state he gets angry suddenly and you can't always tell what will set him off - it may be I say something to indicate I'm listening and he takes it as 'interrupting' or I don't respond to something and he's upset because he wanted a response, although it wasn't necessarily clear he wanted one. I don't know if other people experience this kind of thing with their partner.

He is getting much better at recognising he's doing it though and pulling back from snapping and saying 'I'm sorry, I'm not coping well tonight and I shouldn't take it out on you' and things like that.

Just realised I’m still soothing over for dh…..

dc1 just back from Uni for a couple of months before he starts working.
dh is scowling and grumbling that things aren’t right - theres a few things that will stay in the living room that can’t fit in dc1 room.

I KNEW dh would react like that.
Im just realising I’ve been pre emptively warning dc1 whilst soothing dh for the disruption.

Yes I know he doesn’t like change. But it’s exhausting.

Google said this which kind of describes myself and makes a lot of sense… as I’m getting older the less I can numb and get overwhelmed instead…I wonder if some of the partners on here are just completely disconnected.

Sensory Overwhelming: When the environment is too loud, bright, or chaotic to escape physically, the brain escapes mentally. Dissociation acts as a built-in circuit breaker against sensory agony. [1, 2, 3]
Alexithymia: Many autistic individuals experience alexithymia, which is difficulty identifying and describing emotions. When emotions cannot be processed or understood, the brain often defaults to numbing them entirely. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Many autistic and adhd adults are actually traumatised as-well? It’s impossible to pull apart which is why we often can’t understand the behaviour. I can totally understand why this adult refuses therapy. It’s all you’ve ever had to cope, without this the world would feel unbearable. I can understand why burnout reaches adults later in life. No one can out run trauma. It’s all very sad all around. Traumatised adults don’t act in very good ways at time. It’s very much self preservation. Being ND is much more challenging than I really thought. It’s made me see my own issues because I’ve definitely developed trauma and absolutely suffer dissociation, it’s literally the only way I can turn up sometimes.

I could have written that a few years ago, H hated the disruption of uni holidays, and I found myself scurrying around wiping up crumbs in the kitchen as well as warning them to keep things tidy. It was awful

Traumatised adults don’t act in very good ways at time.

@Marshmallowkiss that’s a huge generalisation that doesn’t reflect the variety of ways trauma present.
Many people with trauma are actually showing hyper professional, successful, hyper helpful, extremely caring etc…. And they end up burning out too.

One good example is hypervigilence. And the ability to ‘read’ people and situations that makes people excellent in caring roles such as counselling (amongst many others)

@Bluebellforest1 dh just came back home. I said hello to him, which he vaguely answered.
Not one word to dc1 that was sat in front of me.

This time, I noticed that dc1 didn’t say anything either 😢

dc1 has just left to watch football with a friend. Said goodbye to me. Dh stayed silent. Again dc1 didn’t say a word to dh. And why would he? 😢😢

Thank god dc1 has found a job starting in September. Otherwise the plan was for him to stay with us…. Awful. For everyone but fir dc1 in particular

@SpecialMangeTout3 i spent several years walking on eggshells when the dc (mine not his) were home from uni. When his dc came up to visit every month, they could do anything they wanted without reproach, and I still did all the cooking, cleaning and bed changing etc. I still resent him for it nearly 20 years later.