Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

Theyre his dcs too though 😢

Dh isn’t nearly as bad with dc2. Something that has always been like this too, right from they were tiny.

Im sad fur dc1 and dc2.
im actually sad for him too.
But then he doesn’t make any effort to nurture that relationship 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

It reminds me of my FIL (also autistic, not many words, completetely unfiexible…). FIL died of cancer and had a a few years when he went downhill and could do less and less. In the last 6~12 months when he couldn’t move from his armchair, we could go agd see him. My SIL was coming with her family. We could even be altogether there and yet no one was really going to see him for more than a hello.
I can see a similar thing happening with dh. No major or obvious falling out. But just no contact at all iyswim

@SpecialMangeTout3 H is the same with his eldest 2 children (now in their 40’s), there was some sort of falling out years ago, where, I suspect, they didn’t conform to his plans and he cut off contact. The younger 2, now in their 30’s, he has a brief 30 second phone call with once a week, (all ok? What’s the weather like there? Work ok?) and sees them every couple of years. He knows nothing about them or their lives. But then again, he knows nothing about me, has no idea what I like, don’t like, believe in, my friends, and we’ve been together 25 years! He lives in his own little world with no care for anyone else. If I’d known then what I know now……….

Holidays have historically been stressful when the kids were younger. DH insists on mostly working from the lounge (which is open plan with kitchen and about two thirds of whole downstairs space) and then getting annoyed when kids made noise or made lunch.

It improved a bit after he finally sorted out Wifi to work better in the front of the house (it needed a proper extender device to function well enough for work), it's still not reliably good enough for video calls though. DS has said he finds DH being in the lounge all day stressful. Also has improved now the kids are teens and happy to spend more time in their rooms anyhow.

Oh we had the same thing with wfh @Echobelly

That is until I, one day, picked up the phone to some nuisance call and they speech was so crap that burst out laughing.

Cue fur dh being questioned by the people on the other side.
The next day or so he moved to another room/the conservatory. I’d have been very grumpy if I had suggested it!

Thankfully both dcs had left home by then otherwise we would have had the same.

Again so much similarity. H was working from home, insisted on working from the open plan kitchen diner. We had 2 spare bedrooms upstairs that he could have worked from, but it was better for him to be the centre of control downstairs and stop me/ anyone having any social interaction because HE WAS WORKING

I read that men and women have different responses to similar trauma. Men tend to externalise and women internalise. Men tend to stonewall and emotionally withdraw and women tend to overthink, become hyper alert and people please. It’s just part of the ways we differ emotionally and in the brain. Perhaps this is why asd partners especially men become so emotionally switched off to their partners and women end up burnt out being so switched on all the time. I just meant that perhaps trauma and the way it presents in men makes the then so challenging to live with. I know a few women with adhd/asd and they aren’t like the men on this thread.

Trauma is much more complex than that.

If there is a reason why SOME men are a pain and SOME women aren’t, I believe it has more to do with socialisation and our patriarcal culture.

But I have a good friend who is autistic with PDA. She is a lovely woman. She has done A LOT of work in herself (she was initially told her autism was BPD and trauma…..). She would still be impossible to live with.
Everything has to be on her terms. Slight changes, even if acceptable before, can send her in a meltdown.
She is self aware enough that as a friend, it still works well.
As a partner? People would tell her partner she is controlling, abusive and to leave asap.

That quote was meant to say that “some”
traumatised people don’t act in very good ways at times. Some people also no matter how obvious won’t admit that they are changed and won’t seek help. Some traumatised people hurt people. I don’t think ND people want to hurt people but I do think that ND people with trauma could. I just wonder it it’s worth separating the ND from the trauma whether this would help some people. I could be completely wrong. Trauma also gets worse with time so could explain why some people’s partners become more unavailable over time.

Ignore what I wrote as I cross posted. I guess some people whatever is the cause just don’t make great partnerships. PDA is challenging,
it’s not the nicest to live with. My daughter is an absolute nightmare at times. I wouldn’t want to be her partner later on tbh.

Yeah struggling with the PDA paradoxes a lot. It’s just so difficult to understand at times as an NT. DH will feel like he wants more connection, but that will be a demand so he will spend more time in his room. Recognising he has a need means he won’t meet it. The solution seems so simple. Just come out of the room and chat to us! I know he can’t though. I can’t express how sad it makes me, as it has such an impact on all of us. I can’t believe how much it has got worse over the years either.

This probably explains why I’m still literally forcing my daughter to drink. Despite the fact she fainted from dehydration. She knows she has to so she actively denies herself. It must be absolutely awful to have PDA. I thought it was other people’s demands they avoided but they actually avoid their own needs also? How do they do anything?

They struggle A LOT

My friend was telling me she wanted to do a recipe that asked her to peel some carrots (not just the skin, but doing thin strips iyswim).
She couldn’t do it. The pressure doing somethimg ‘unusual’ triggered the whole PDA. She felt frightened. The fear stopped her from doing it. She simply couldn’t contemplate it.
She left it for a couple of days. Went back to it and … it wasn’t an issue afterall!

PDA is awful.
And on the top of it, you have the shame (struggle to shower, clean the kitchen etc….). Because she might struggle to do some of those things but she is also acutely aware she is supposed to do them!

DS has his GCSE drama performance this evening and a busy day at a 6th form taster afternoon, which means going back and forth. I'm stressed because I said he should come home from the 6th form and I'd give him a lift to the theatre but then realised that's not long before performance and I'd have to go straight back to pick up DH , or I'd have to take DH at same time and drop him at a cafe so he could finish off work given then timing.

DH hasn't taken his meds and is really stressed at work and has already lost it at me over lunch and I really would rather DS doesn't have to interact with him before the show in case DH can't hold it together, especially if I have to interrupt his work to take him. Because obviously that wouldn't put DS in a good mindset before the performance.

But I can't mention it to DH in case he gets angry at me for 'not trusting him' or something. I've messaged DS to say he could just take the bus to the theatre straight from 6th form (the only issue is he'll need to buy himself a sandwich somewhere) but I don't know if he'll see it between coming home from there or not. I might try calling him at their finish time and just telling him to do that. Or just please

Ugh, why do these things have to be so complicated?

You could just be straight up with DH and say look I know you’ve not taken your meds and have been stressed today so just remember to take it easy with DS.

I may do. DS will be back shortly, I'll assess how DH is doing and make an offer to just come back and pick him up if going in 15 minutes will be really disruptive for him and make it clear I'm not being a martyr or grudging anything I just want to make things work for everyone under the circumstances

This sounds utterly exhausting. I worry about your own sanity sustaining this. I know we have to try and accommodate but this sounds hard and unrelenting.

It's not unrelenting, but it's hard when it happens! Anyway, he was in a fine mood by time DS got home and now everyone's deposited in relevant places - DS in theatre, DH in cafe en route with WiFi, and me in park cafe by theatre that doesn't have WiFi, but has nice cheesecake,, which I'm enjoying now before picking up DH for the show

Ah I meant the anticipation and the over thinking of how he will react day to day about things . Do you not walk on eggshells? I guess you have to do that anyway with ND children.

It happens much less than it used to, and medication has helped a lot on top of that but it does throw the bad days not in medication into sharper contrast.

There have definitely been phases of my life when I felt I was walking on eggshells around him but I haven't had anything longer than a day like that for a good few years, now I think about it.

Hi, I hope it’s okay if I join. I’ve been married to DH for 5 years and realised six months in that he’s ND. Initially he was apprehensive of being ‘labelled’ but eventually he started to accept it.

What makes things hard is he’s not only ND but there’s trauma there that’s unresolved and he’s an avoidant as a result of it.

Things have been quite hard since we’ve had DD which coincided with us moving out of his parents house. He is bad with time management, money management and multi tasking. He often shuts down and finds it hard to connect with people when he’s in his head. Has a lot of debt as a result of his money issues. On the other hand, him and I have common goals (mostly), morals and values and we do get each other when he’s not in his head as much.

Recently he’s been in his head (isn’t fully opening up about why - just says it’s finances) and conversations are going pear shaped. It’s also impacted intimacy which makes me insecure as not sure if lack of intimacy during these down days is typical for ND people? I mean weeks without it. No signs of cheating, he’s quite introverted, and works alone - self employed (minor interactions with customers) but doesn’t like working jobs where he has to stick to a routine so this job as a self employed Uber driver works best for him although it means if he’s having a low day he doesn’t earn as much which again gets him down due to his debt and companies chasing constantly.

He’s a good person deep down but hasn’t had the help nor has he been modelled how to communicate or let his guard down. He’s trying to improve his relationship with his family but previously I’d say they took away his independence, told him to ‘man up’ and not ‘feel sorry for himself’ and this has resulted in him shutting down and leaving the house during conflict (he’ll come back later but he avoids communication until he’s ready which can take a while).

@user0512 sounds pretty similar to my DH except the debt. My DH is ‘in his head’ in two ways: rumination from a ‘looping’ thinking style, or disassociation from everything becoming too much. Have you had a look at alexithymia? Does he have an awareness of any sensory needs? My DH also has conflict aversion and rejection sensitivity, so talking about our relationship v v difficult. Wishing you well.

I was having a look into why my daughter often devalues her friends etc and the reason behind this and I thought it might be useful to someone. I get very confused around the similarities between narcissism and some adhd behaviours. There is no way my young child is a narcissist but she does have very similar behaviours. I read that when you experience rejection sensitivity and deep emotions within ADHD the brain developes
defenses. One of the defences it deploys to protect itself is devaluation. If the person who is making them feel bad is demoted then the sting will be less painful. I read that the devaluation either goes externally or internally. I can really see how the protection of that little ego is working so hard.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to work on this with a child. My daughter will often say oh well my friend is stupid and I hate her anyway or they deserve it (which is not fair).

You have to work on countering the RSD really. Bolster her belief in herself that she is worthy then she will hopefully stop pushing away with the language she uses. I would also challenge her at the same time as to whether or not what she’s saying is true. Does it feel easier to say that than feel upset by someone’s behaviour. But it’s accepting that her brains response is an over response so a 9 when really the response only needs to be a 6. I use this with DS and it slowly helps. Although meds have also helped regulate emotions and the extremes of response.

I am on the waiting list still for meds. I’ve had mixed reviews from friends as to how well they work.

I find with my daughter she picks the wrong friends and ends up trying to be friends with girls who have the same issues and the friendships are really toxic.

Any tips on how to teach her to de-escalate a feeling in the moment so she has a breath to walk away and not loose control? Or if this can be done or whether she is too young at 10.