Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

@Marshmallowkiss I agree, it was just the normal. I didn't want to believe he really really didn't care that much. I have spent so many years trying to keep my family together. Constantly trying to reassure the kids (& myself) that dad did love them, he was interested, I mean how could he not be, he is their father.
I'm realising the monumental scale of my delusion. We never had the basic building blocks, ever.
I think also the realisation that when I look back on our life, it was always this way. Me always doing the thinking, the feeling, the organising, the life planning and dh contributing nothing other than a paycheck.
I actually feel quite sorry for him, he has lost so much, and then maybe he doesn't see even that. He had a wife and family, now he doesn't. End of!

He probably doesn’t have the feelings to experience the sensation of the things that are happening. Or perhaps his go to is to shut down and he’s shut down so much he’s permanently switched off. I honestly just think some folks were born switched off. It makes you wonder why they stay in relationships so long, what did he get out of this? If I wasn’t getting anything out of my relationship I wouldn’t stay in it. My H does help with my emotions because I’m too emotional and his steadiness does steady me. But he can’t actually help other than this. He does dismiss an awful lot.

The saying He has a wife and kids, but doesn't know how to be a husband or father, is so apt.
Dh has a house, a car, a wife, kids, just acquisitions for him, nothing else.
I don't think he understands relationships. The kids and I lived in a house that he also lived in. Therefore he had a family. Just words and inconsequential things that took space in his world I suppose.

So he just acquired you as you say without any meaningful reason? He doesn’t know/can’t how to connect to the people he has? Does he connect to anything like hoarding etc? Is it just people he can’t connect to? My H definitely has unnatural connections to objects, he holds on to so much that has any type of memory.

It must be so difficult to be like this. You see everyone else have connection to people and you can’t. My daughter has problems with this. She sees people as a threat, she needs to have control and to be equal and little empathy so she finds relationships extremely difficult because friends just walk away.

No connection to anything as far as I can see @Marshmallowkiss .
He has no hobbies, no interests. He would lay on the sofa for hours, just doomscrolling. No TV programs, no favourite movies, never read a book.
He brought nothing to our relationship. No photos of his family, none of his son, who was 8 when we met. No treasured mementos from his past. Never reminisced about anything he had ever done, anywhere he had been. Didn't talk about old friends.
I have chosen every single thing in our homes, kids toys, clothes.
Other than some photos of him with the kids, that i framed, there is no imprint of him in this house.
Is like he's an empty vessel, and doesn't need anything whatsoever in his life.
The only thing he is remotely interested in is his job.

Sounds like I would describe depression or dissociation. That’s very sad. I sometimes wish I felt less but I think I’d rather over feel then feel nothing at all. Surely everyone feels? Whether they know what that sensation is or can word it you’d think everyone still experienced bodily sensations.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy your description made me think about alexithymia and object impermanence.
But your dh seems to have pushed all of that to the limits!

Has he ever expressed any interest in somethimg? Like hobby, an area of interest other than work?

@Marshmallowkiss i exoerience dissociation and the whole point IS to stop feeling because those feelings are overwhelming or unsafe.
Its not something you consciously chose but rather a quite clever protection mechanism that allows you to carry on functioning even in harsh situation.

eg many people with a chronic illness develop some level of dissociation to cope with it.

From what I’ve read about alexithmyia I thought that they had bodily sensations but don’t know what label to give them. Eg my daughter doesn’t know when she is thirsty or anxious. She will just shake because she hasn’t drank or she will tell me my tummy hurts 4,000 times a day meaning she is worried about something. We only match her feeling to something by me going through a list of possibilities and she going yeah that’s what I’m thinking about. We’ve had a nightmare few days with the heat because she has had headaches but doesn’t actually know what a headache feels like so can’t tell me mum my head hurts.

Absolutely alexithymia and almost definitely out of sight out of mind mentality. And so much more that I am just realising.
I have been asking him for years to go speak to someone, but he always makes excuses.
Even now, I know instead of seeking help to understand how he is in the position he is in, he has just switched off even more.

I’ve followed this thread for a couple of years now and never posted before about my own partner. Life could be very lonely with him sometimes, frustrating, and sometimes it was like living with a 9 year old.
But I lost him in a traumatic accident in January and I miss him and his infuriating at times habits so much. I would give anything to have him back. I have AuDHD (diagnosed), we had no kids, and we had such a crazy fun time together mostly. I know I will never meet or be with anyone like him ever again - I’m 62 now and I feel there will never be such mad times again.

That’s shame isn’t it?
Easier to not know and bury your head in the sand rather than face the fact you might be ND/have some difficulties/your reactions aren’t appropriate

@Sometimesitsmyownfault im so sorry. 🫂🫂

Thats the thing isn’t it?
Sometimes people we love can be Infiurating. But we still live them and miss them when they’re not here.

Has anyone regretted splitting with their ND partner? I am just so done.

over the years, There has been many people on these threads that have taken the plunge and separated.
I don’t think any of them regretted it.

What is happening that is making you say ‘enough is enough’?

I was thinking about Alexiythmia last night. Thinking about all the wrong ways I’ve tried to teach my daughter….for example when she has taken things from others I’ve asked her “how would you feel”..that’s the thing isn’t it, they don’t know. If you don’t know what it feels like to have something taken you won’t know what the other person feels and your sense of right and wrong doesn’t develop. I feel terrible now. Same like with my H, he can’t make decisions very well, he will research and compare and get nowhere, he’ll ask me and I’ll just go with what I feel about something. If you aren’t navigated by how you feel then what exactly navigates you….facts?….reviews?.Im feeling bad now, because they really are affected by this in ways I simply can’t fathom. I am AuDHD I tick absolutely all the boxes but I know how I feel, I think this makes a huge difference in how I can mask and operate. I almost pass as “normal” until you spend time with me.

Shit even my meaningful mother in law who obviously passed down the autism. She simply tells you in the nicest way to just ignore and carry on. Now I can see why she does this, she simply does not have the internal language. I thought she was just cold and uncaring. So much misunderstanding

@Marshmallowkiss i was thinking about your dd being unable to say she had a headache etc…
Is that not interoception rather than alexithymia?
I thought alexithymia was very much about emotional feelings whereas interoception is about being able to identify biding sensations such as nausea or a headache.
As I understand, having poor interoception can make it harder to pinpoint emotional feelings but they are two distinct processes??

Xpost

Im not too sure, probably a mixture of many different things. It must be so very confusing and really awful. People react to your behaviour and interpret in mostly negative ways and respond negatively when this was no doubt not the intention. I don’t think there is much intent at all just complete underdevelopment. I’ve got so low I was looking into what ages narcissism develops because some of the behaviour feels very similar. When you get a label you just don’t know the ways and how deep the disability goes. It’s not taught enough. So many kids must be suffering so much.

Google came up with this…explains the over working in my family…
“
Without an internal emotional compass, individuals often rely on external sources—such as relationships, achievements, or validation—to feel. This external orientation, common in conditions like alexithymia, creates temporary feelings but bypasses the development of authentic, intrinsic emotional resilience.”

@SpecialMangeTout3 Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it. Right now, I cannot cope with the added workload (he is disengaging more and more) and in particular, the lack of comms. I have a meeting with a family law firm tomorrow to look at financial possibilities. I never wanted this but he will not even sit down (or go out) and discuss the marriage with me or what it might look like if we split. He refuses to engage (says nothing) and ignores any text type messages (tried that too). I do everything here and have a child with SEND (EHCP/PIP/EOTAS, all on me). I work FT and I am broken if I am honest. His refusal/inability to act like an adult now has broken me. Also spoke to the kids (mid GCSE for DD with complex SEND) about how it would be better if he was not here. I sound uncaring but I cannot parent him and I cannot 'help' him if he will not help himself (I have signposted to GP, Samaritans/MIND/EA). I am exhausted.

@Captivatingcapybara Sounds like your life will be so much better if you leave. Not having to carry him as well. Honestly no one on here is going to judge. I suspect most will be cheering you along to make the break and save yourself.

This sounds so sad. It just makes you realise how disabling it can be, not just for him but for all of you. He really needs some support. I often wonder what happens when our asd children grow into adults. They get quite a bit of support in school but what happens as you don’t grow out of it. It appears a wife or a husband takes on the responsibilities. You as a family need support, it’s just not fair. None of this is fair, I’m just realising the further I go down the autism road just how hard it is. 😔

Thanks @Pashazade , I just need to stay strong. @Marshmallowkiss yep, he needs support but refuses to engage with anyone or anything. I even contacted his sister (which he does not know) as I was worried. She said he does not engage with them either. I can only do so much.

I do feel bad as I accommodate for my DD but she can (and will) communicate like an adult (she is 16) and she is situationally mute and Autistic. I am so very done.

Thank you btw.