Aah good. I was worried it might be a bit crass to come and celebrate when the rest of you are still navigating everything.
I think in February I said I felt empowered and I didn’t need him and had ended things. And that was correct. However I’m not sure how much detail I went into prior to that.
As you all warned me, my physical health started to suffer. This started in July last year. It got worse and worse and I ended up in A&E with the pain in September. No one knew what was wrong. I had all the painkillers. Nothing worked. I had to take time off work. I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk to the end of my street. I began physio treatment thankfully and by the end of October things started to get better but then declined again in December and January. But this time although the pain wasn’t as bad as before, I developed anxiety about becoming that ill again and I walked around with a general feeling of dread and fear all the time. I actually think after years and years of living with someone whose volatile moods meant I walked on eggshells every day, policing what I said and how I said it so as not to set him off, meant my nervous system had nothing left to give. I also think perimenopause was ramping everything up. In February I started HRT and this seemed to coincide with the physio working and the pain and anxiety disappearing. I felt so much better and back to being me! I had a whole 3 weeks of feeling normal and I think that was when I last posted on here.
I should say that throughout this period of illness and anxiety (which has categorically been the worst time in my life), now-exDP gave me next to no support. In fact he moaned that I didn’t have the same interests as him anymore (by this he meant I was no longer fun-Busty) and he was also upset that I wasn’t supporting him! At Xmas he failed to buy any presents or clean/tidy his house for the onslaught of relatives due to arrive. I’d been asking him in the week leading up to Xmas whether he’d wrapped the presents (the ones I’d bought for his kids) and cleaned the house. He lied and said he had. When I arrived on Xmas eve he had done nothing at all!!! I spent Xmas day cleaning his bloody house ready for the children and his wider family to arrive on Boxing Day. He cannot organise anything. He has massive task avoidance. He lies to cover up the fact he’s done nothing. He expects other people to “support” him (meaning he’s off the hook and can go to the pub). I was livid.
So come February I felt better. I told him that was it. And I meant it. But then in March I found out he’d been seeing someone else for months behind my back when I was ill and alone most nights - as he said coming round to watch tv with me and keep me company didn’t meet his needs! When I was buying his kids Xmas presents and cleaning his house, he was starting a new relationship behind my back. 🤬
I was furious. But also so so hurt. I confronted him via text and said I knew about her and how could he betray me when I was ill and fighting for my life (slightly dramatic but that is how I felt). He said he wanted to talk. I said no, nothing to say. But he wore me down and came over to talk. I won’t go into details as it’s boring, but essentially my nervous system was in tatters by this point. I needed someone to care for me. Literally physically hold me while it all came out. And he did. And I let the possibility of him back in. He cried and said he thought I didn’t want him anymore and just felt criticised by me all the time. And to be fair, those things are true. He was sorry he’d found someone else and not told me, but he genuinely thought I wouldn’t care. (Pathetic. Head in sand. Shift blame onto me. Avoidance of difficult conversation). All I wanted though was someone to look after me after months of being in so much pain I couldn’t leave the house and sometimes wishing I wasn’t here anymore. Months of not knowing what was wrong or if I would ever get well again. My life unrecognisable. Months of being alone. And so I forgave him I’m sorry to say. I just wanted things back the way they were. I seemed to fall back in love with him again. I know you’ll all be disappointed in me. I can only explain that the betrayal after this awful period of my life did something physical to my nervous system. It’s hard to explain.
He said he wanted to get us back but had moved on with this new woman (I’d only ended things a month before!) and now he was “safe” from me!! He kept saying he needed to be safe and how I wasn’t safe. But also that he loved me and wished it could work and needed some time to think about whether it could. Stupidly I agreed to this. We even went on a couple of dates. He stayed the night. I felt we were getting back to us again. We cried and held each other all night. My nervous system felt peaceful. Finally.
But then I found out he had also been seeing the new (not so new) woman as well. Literally the morning after he stayed the night, he went home, showered and then met up with her!!!! My nervous system crashed. I went into actual physical shock, shaking and shivering, freezing cold. My brother had to come over and give me Valium! It was that bad. I’ve never experienced physical shock like it! When I asked him what on earth he was playing at, he said he really liked her (WTF?) and had no intention of stopping seeing her but that he found being with me triggering (dear lord!) and needed to pause me while he considered his options. I asked him to pause both of us and not just me, but he said that was me using emotional blackmail to control him!! And so, I consented (I know, I know) to give him a couple of days space and not message or get in touch, knowing he was with her. It was awful. And when I did eventually text and ask what was happening and all but beg him to please get back with me (really really not proud about this, but I was so desperate for care and comfort by this point), he would ignore me! Just head in the sand. And after a week or so I’d get a text saying “not ignoring you, this is just really hard”. (Except he was ignoring me and dangling me, refusing to make a decision, unable to face up to things which are hard, blaming me for criticising him rather than looking at the behaviour I was critical of).
After a couple more weeks of this (I was unable to eat or sleep or work. I lost 9lbs in March!) in early April I said enough. You either choose me today or this is done. He refused to make a decision and just said he needed to be safe and couldn’t see how we could get past our mistakes (note “our” mistakes). So that was that. The end.
April was hard. But I threw myself into the dating apps as a distraction! Wasn’t looking for a relationship, just some company and something to do. First date was far too early. Anyway, I slowly got better. My nervous system calmed down. I realised I’d had a lucky escape, and though I wanted him back on my worst days I also knew I had ended things for a reason back in February and all the many times before that. I cried every day to begin with. And then I would maybe only cry once or twice a week. And then not at all. I had a handful of first dates. Nice men but I didn’t feel like pursuing anything and would gently say thank you for a lovely time but I don’t see this going anywhere. I started to get fed up with it (online dating is such an investment of oneself! And not nearly as fun as I’d imagined it would be!!) and I was about to call time and have a break. I had one last date lined up with someone in late May and I anticipated another pleasant evening with someone I didn’t fancy. And then I planned to give it a break and just focus on being single and happy for a bit.
Well that date went amazingly. He’s perfect. Not ASD (which was top of my list and I asked him outright about that. I don’t care if that makes me ableist!!). He’s funny and kind. He doesn’t shout. He isn’t complicated. He treats women with the utmost respect. He tackles problems head on. He doesn’t put things off. His house is tidy and organised. He’s straight forward and plain speaking. Most importantly I feel safe. Finally. After years and years of being with someone who made me feel unsafe. Who made everything about him. Whose reactions I had to learn how to predict. Who took everything the wrong way. Who played victim and made out I was the problem for having feelings. It was emotional abuse for years and my nervous system paid the price eventually. I had thought I could live with it, but I realise now the silent damage that was going on behind the scenes. The feeling of safety I have now is priceless. And even if I don’t end up with this man (it’s still very early days), just the safety he brings me is such a contrast to what I was living in before, it shines an enormous spotlight on my old life. I’m in disbelief this was what I endured for so long!! I am so grateful I got out, even though the end was as protracted and weird as it was. At least it was the end.
Bizarrely xDP has not coped well! He’s still with not-new woman. In love by all accounts. And yet he sends me messages saying this is still so painful for him and how he’s really struggling and I will always be the love of his life (I’m quite sure she has no idea he sends these messages!). I don’t reply. I did have to arrange to get all my stuff back from his house. I tried to do it cleanly by saying I’ll come round at a time of his choosing and go through some bits we bought jointly and agree who’s having what. Typically he then made it as difficult as possible. Ensuring it was protracted and trying to inject emotion into it. Saying he was busy and refusing to commit to a time or day, then going on about how hard and triggering it all was for him. I was like “ok, just give me a time” and refused to be drawn into his BS!
So there you have it. I have my stuff back. The end was messy. He behaved terribly. I suffered enormously. I eventually saw the light. I healed fairly quickly though it was painful. I moved on. I met someone else. He isn’t ASD and nor would I ever date someone who was ever again. We are enjoying each other. My family love him. I am looking forward to a nice summer. I have no feelings about xDP other than “phew, I’m well out of that”. I am well and truly free. Finally.
Sigh. That was long wasn’t it?!
But yes, you guys saw me through some hideous times. It was wonderful to come to this judgement free space (mostly judgement free!) and feel seen and validated when I thought I was going mad. It’s a lifeline for so many of us. I learnt so much about myself, and so much about Autism. More than I wanted to know!!
I hope you’ll take something from this sorry but ultimately empowering tale: the nervous system is powerful and it’s keeping score. As and when you can, I hope you’ll set it free. And if you cannot leave then no judgement from me. Sometimes circumstances don’t allow it, or perhaps for other reasons you don’t want to leave. But please do listen to your body and find ways to calm that nervous system so it doesn’t end up screwing you over like mine did!!
Sending love and strength as always xx