Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

I bet you are, dealing with children is more than enough. You are just one human, we can’t fix people. Even with our own kids we aren’t fixing them just supporting and scaffolding in the hope that it’s enough. You can’t be his scaffolding, you need people scaffolding you so you can parent your children being the only one functioning (barely). He should be getting support so he isn’t breaking down his only support for his children (you), that’s the least he can do.

@Captivatingcapybara the lack of engaging and talking is really hard.
dh is the same and it’s Infuriating.

And when you have children, it also means that you’re the one dealing with everything too. But somehow get the kudos points when it all works out well 🤔🤔

Do you think it’s ‘just’ the autism that stops him from talking or he is also depressed?

Regardless, I fully agree with you. You can’t carry him and your dcs and you and the whole family and … and …and

It sounds like you’ve made your decision. That’s great!
There is a point where something has to give. And of staying makes your life harder than bring separated, then Thars your answer.

Btw it’s pretty normal for you to accommodate for your dd but to not want to do it for your dh.
Your dd is your child. She is still a teen, can’t stand up on her two feet yet. All of which is pretty normal. Simply because she is dependent on you. So is supporting her with EHCP and the likes.
Your dh though arrived in this marriage with the assumption he was able to do some adulting. To communicate. To be involved as a parent and a partner. That’s a very different situation. Expectations of him are very different than the ones you have for your dd. And should they be.

He sounds only dimly alive.

@Sometimesitsmyownfault I hear your pain and loss and loneliness. I hope that the sea of sadness sometimes receeds in time, and the sharp pain and duller ache becomes contentment in the remembered happiness. Although in my experience of grief it never fully passes, there can be good times again.

@Captivatingcapybara I do not for one microsecond regret leaving my ex-H. Not one micro second. Life was much harder practically (I dont really speak the language well and am disabled) but my God it was so much better overall. The oppressiveness lifted and very slowly I could breath again.

I had a little look up interoception. That really does sound interesting, I’ve not looked at this really before. It says it is the internal communication system between your physiology and feelings. So some asd folks can’t understand external communications and internal. I thought it was all an external thing. “They” don’t know what’s being asked of them from all sources. That’s really hard. My daughter does know when she is hungry because she’ll ask for snacks repeatedly…..but she struggles to actually eat a meal, it will take her forever.

Shit thinking about this….I was diagnosed long ago with general anxiety disorder, before knowing we have neurodivergence in the family. I now wonder if you can have over active interoception? I am constantly tracking the way my body feels, every single fluctuation my anxiety rises. Nothing has ever stopped this, the only relief is control and distraction.

@Marshmallowkiss have a look for the ‘intense world’ theory of autism, and see if that resonates for you? I think it matches my kid, hence having read about it lately.

I hope it's ok to jump in and ask @WindyW what reading would you recommend on intense world theory?
I wonder is there a corresponding theory that ADHD involves the opposite, hence novelty- and sensation-seeking?
My husband is at the very high end of the novelty/sensation seeking scale, I am way away down the other end.
He calls us "neurocomplimentary" which is one of the most romantic things he has ever said ¯\ (ツ)/¯

I will thank you. I have never had meltdowns as a child but I definitely had intense anxiety and probably disassociation. In my head autism is like what’s discussed on here, not knowing, not communicating, in own world etc. I knew every little feeling and they all scared me, like oh my heart is definitely going fasting, or what’s that buzz feeling….panic! I’m still like this. Can’t take any medication. I try and any change in sensation sends me into a panic. I remember when I tried antidepressants, it was awful. I’m trying HRT now and I’m struggling with my body feeling different and it’s raising my anxiety.

I am internally quite conflicted. I love routine as it lowers anxiety but I get bored and then anxious!

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar , thank you for letting me know that your life is way happier now (and you can breathe). I am so glad to read that, it just sounds lighter (noted re practical stuff).

Thanks @SpecialMangeTout3 for your kind words. I always feel guilty when I accommodate for my DD and not for him, it feels like a double standard. I spend my life advocating for DD.

I did seek some legal advice so now waiting on figs to come back (if he actually does sort this pension figs). We will see. I just need to know I can keep the house as DD would not cope with a move (more GCSEs next year and that would be too much change). It all depends on the figs. It's all so exhausting. Another horrible interaction this am, he just refuses to engage and actually be an adult. It's like parenting a toddler.

That sound like somatic OCD. That can be treated. Nightingale hospital in London is best in the world for OCD. They offer online private therapy. It’s highly treatable.

I’d be too scared to go somewhere….the labels I’d come home with! 😂 Don’t get me started on the fear of dying that I have. I’ve never expressed this to my children and then the eldest said she was too scared to sleep incase she didn’t wake up the other day!!!! Looks like I’ve passed that down also!

They’d teach you about rumination, irrational thoughts, obsessive thinking, checking behaviours, googling etc, reassurance seeking, hyperresponsibility, they’d help you understand the mind loops so you could start to gain some relief and also not pass on your thinking to your children. Yes our thinking does get passed on to our children. Would you not do it for that reason? To try and protect your children? It really sounds like you need therapy.

We're off out anniversary weekend away tomorrow to Mostar. Where it's even hotter than here 😬

DH hasn't slept well last few nights, though partly his own fault for doing late stuff two weeknights in a row, but he's in a pretty ratty mood and says he lost it with DS last night. And he went get a good night tonight as we we have to get up before 4am for our flight!

I'm not too worried as it's just me, not the kids, so hopefully he'll relax once we're there. He's actually annoyingly OK with intense heat. But think I'll leave most of the driving to him as me driving on holiday seems to send him crazy because he's convinced himself I am a lethally dangerous holiday driver though I've never had an accident. I'll admit it takes me a day or two to get used to road positioning but I'm good enough otherwise.

For me the sessions I had were life changing. I understand now what is going on.

@Marshmallowkiss
sorry, I need to apologise as I misread your post. I got it wrong. I’m sorry for that and I hope I didn’t upset you.

Which part?

Hmmm, I might give my apologies for extra choir rehearsal this evening if there aren't clear signs DH is in a better place or if he's still working at 7.

I can see things going off the rail tonight in my absence and honestly I feel like there's too much to do getting the house in order for the kids before we go.

Hi @SundayBangor this looks like a good explainer: autisticandunapologetic.com/2020/10/17/the-intense-world-theory-of-autism-explained/

I thought when you said you'd passed on your fear of dying to your DD you'd been talking about it so I thought therapy would help at least not pass it on - but I misread your post. Sorry for that. I mean, therapy still might help as it sounds to tough to live with such fear all the time, but it sounds like your DD might just also have ruminating thoughts too- I think OCD probably runs in our family... like so much ND is hereditary...

I was diagnosed with somatic OCD and the sessions were so helpful. It's mostly gone now and I don't think about it anymore. I used to also greatly fear dying but now I don't latch onto those worries so much. Therapy does really help if you can get a good therapist. The Nightgale offers online sessions, in fact unless you're an inpatient I think all their therapy is online. Private insurance can pay for it if you have it. Life-changing.

Sounds like a good thing to look at. Rumination definitely is in the family. It is out of your control which is what I tell my daughter and direct her to something else which she can control. It’s hard when you are ND to deal with all the issues of control. It would just be way easier if we could in fact just control bloody everything! When you can’t control your emotions or your brain it’s not a nice feeling, then once you have a thought it ends up physically effecting your body. I find all this an absolute minefield, for myself and the kids. My H seems to fair better but his presence in the world is way less then mine, I am exposed to so much more being the emotionally present parent. Hanging on by a thread half the time as I’d like to be much less exposed and sheltered but I can’t. Being a mum is very hard!

Update on the divorce in case anyone is curious: DH has left the house!! It took 8 months for him to go but he's now in his new flat 2 roads away. The relief. I can't tell you it's almost the disbelief. I wonder around the house and think is this really happening?? Is he really never coming back. I've waited for this moment for so long.

My daughter then held a big birthday party, her 18th and invited lots of people. It was a great evening. FINALLY we had people over (first time in 18 years) and there was no one to judge us or get upset or angry or dismissive or belittling and I didn't have to adapt around anyone else. I could focus just on her and the build up to it. It was a beautiful moment. Like the floodgates opened. Hello world, we're here!

Then today, I ate a big bag of crisps in peace on the sofa. No one judged me. I wasn't waiting for anyone to come in and make me feel tense for just sitting down and enjoying something nice. I just sat there, feeling the peace, the quietness, hoping that this is my life forever. Being free of that constant sense of not being enough for him, always wishing for his approval, hoping to avoid his criticism, bracing for his indifference, telling myself that I'd just keep on coping somehow day after day, month after month, year after year.

And I hardly think of him at all now, except in those quiet moments, where I enjoy something and realise it's a difference experience. When I look back I remember how nervous I was, how afraid I was to leave him. How I thought I wouldn't cope. I was so very low. But here I am, feeling stronger than for a very very long time. I don't miss him at all.

Life has opened up so much. I am seeing so many more people, who are becoming lovely friends. I used to be very social before my husband and had so many friends but they all slowly fell away, the longer I stayed with him. Some very old one are still there but I never developed a family network and family friends like so many other people do. A whole 20 years, of this completely missed.

All I can say is my life looks very different to this time last year.

I'm finally putting on weight which is really strange. I don't feel like i'm eating more (except the crisps perhaps!) but it's like my body is exhaling a massive sigh of relief.

I will never marry again. I will never live with someone again. I have learnt my lesson for good.

Thank you if you read this far. I really hope you're doing OK. Remember you are stronger than you know and if you want to leave, you can do it. Yes, you really can.

Fantastic news @Morrisons26 - I am so pleased for you.

DH seems to have calmed down, I am glad I bunked off choir rehearsal, though as I'm sure he'd have been running around going spare. I told them I had a headache and it was kind of true 😆, just that the headache was a stressed husband! And I feel a bit calmer having got on top of some more things and having time to check stuff. We realised stuff like we can't get phone data for Bosnia so we might just have to get temp sim cards at the airport to avoid getting charged megabucks.