Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

Interesting what you said about rigidity, it is something i hadnt considered and shows up in other areas. It is his way or no way and it feels to me that he is dismissing how i am feeling.

I am a people pleaser and take things to heart more than I should. I also suffer with depression and anxiety so we are a right pair!

Feeling low and disconnected from DH at the moment. We are barely talking

I actually doubt that you’re taking things to heart more than you should @ThisSillySquid

Some times, the anger, the hurst are simply that. Signs that someine has trampled on our boundaries and is showing no respect (to us as a person, to our needs).

I personally wish I had listened to my anger all those years ago rather push it aside thinking I was too much.p, too angry, expecting too much etc….

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy how are you doing?

SpecialMangeTout3

I do have a tendency to take things to heart more than i should. It is a characteristic that i have inherited from my mum.

I just feel so disconnected from DH, his special interest is work. It is all he talks about and is interested in.

It is just hard living with someone who has ASD, but you don't need me to tell you that.

I'm just low on tolerance, patience and understanding. It is a lonely existence too, i feel single without being single.

Just feeling alone with it all, glad of this thread

I think that anyone on the other end of a relationship like this feels the same as you. It’s normal to feel hurt. It’s so hard to deal with. For me it’s my own daughter. As a mother I am hurt by her behaviour, her lack of consideration for anyone in our house and in the world in general. I am an adult and she is a child but I am still human, it hurts. Any attempt to explain your hurt is met with rejection then again we are dealing with the repercussions of this on HER feelings. It
erodes a relationship because what on earth do you do with your feelings. My partner is similar but less about him and his feelings and more just dismissive. I don’t feel this way so the fact you do is a YOU problem, your silly feelings and sensitivity. No attempt at helping or understanding at all.

And i am really missing my mum

I am sorry. It must be so hard to not have a safe soft landing in your husband.

Honestly I felt like I made such a song and dance about leaving and my pink kettle that I felt too ashamed to admit I was begging him to give us another go!!! It wasn’t that I thought you’d all tell me the LTB. I just felt incredible shame because underneath I knew what I was doing was ridiculous!!

For me, my head knew it was idiotic to be with him, but after months of illness and then his betrayal on top, my nervous system finally had enough. And even though he was the one who continually assaulted my nervous system he was also the one who held me and made me feel safe, albeit only temporarily before he was awful again. Trauma bonding I think that is. I’m not sure anyone could have said anything helpful at this point. I knew I needed to let go in order to heal, but I was scared to. I actually used chat gpt a lot during this time and it was more helpful than any therapist I’ve ever used.

Anyway all is well that ends well. It’s sometimes not until you’re well out of it that you can truly see how bad it was and what everyone else must have seen. It’s important people in those situations have safe space to talk free of judgement and that’s what this wonderful group has been.

@BustyLaRoux I thikn you might be coming to new realisations about how bad it was for many years to come. Small things that happen in a new relationship shine spotlights on isolated incidents in the old relationship that are less isolated than they look - they are part of a pattern that leads to a place where you are unheard, unsupported, unsupporting too (because you don't know how to help them, and you are giving from a place of emptiness in the end).

6 years on and I'm still recovering and will be for years to come.

@ThisSillySquid Just to say that I hear you. Losing your beloved mother is a pain like no other and it goes deep, all the way to the core. No one can replace her. But when you are in an extremely lonely relationship anyway, the grief is even harder

I hear you.

There is a fellow mum at my child’s school who had her children taken from her because she couldn’t leave her abusive husband. The trauma bonding must be really painful if the threat of loosing your children isn’t enough. I can’t personally understand it but it must have massive effects on your brain and your nervous system to want to stay with someone actively harming you. They have not been able to see the children. Her mental health is shot to pieces….its very sad.

@BustyLaRoux trauma bounding isn’t something I’ve ever thought about when it comes to NT/ND relationship but it can see how it makes sense.

Something for me to think about there…

Thank you

My ex and mother of my child had her diagnosis very recently and its been confirmed she has high functioning Autism and ADHD.

Its been a lot to unpack for both of us, but it’s lifted a weight and explains why things were like they were.

It (selfishly) feels like I can draw a line under it and move on.

Yes it is a bit lonely

@ThisSillySquid 🫂🫂
Are you holding ok atm?
And I know you said you are getting coubselling but have you had the opportunity to see fruends or other family members in RL? Maybe having the chance to reminisce about your mum too?

SpecialMangeTout3

Not a lot of support IRL, I dont like to overload people. I worry I'm too much. Feeling low at the moment and can't seem to shake it off. Going out soon and going to have a good cry in the car. Everything seems so bleak and pointless today. Just feels like a sticking plaster. DH can't help, he doesn't know how to.

Forgot to say no other family. I'm an only child of a single parent. Lost contact with DF

@BustyLaRoux - great to hear from you and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you went through so much physical and mental pain, but it sounds like you have come out the other side with flying colours and I wish you well for the next chapter.

Oh that makes it even harder. 😢😢

im not sure if that will help, but I found the best way fur me is to wonder how I’d handle the situation if I was on my own. And then do that.
So maybe (Depending on what normally working for you), going for a walk, to the cinema, reading a fun book?
Ive always found walks in nature quite therapeutic, especially close to a river/stream. The sound of the water feels very soothing to me.

SpecialMangeTout3

Great advice, i may as well be on my own.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar you’re so right. It’s only now I’m in a normal and safe relationship that little things keep coming up and I’ll say “oh xDP would have made this situation really difficult”. My new man is very patient and understanding and puts up with me endlessly mentioning xDP as I process more and more of the shit that happened to me. Only really in the last couple of weeks has the frequency which his awful behaviour occurs to me has started to wane. Days go by without me giving him a second thought but I suspect, as you say, it will be years until mentally I’m completely free. Genuinely feels like I went through something traumatic!

I don’t think it sound selfish to say that. Do you mean you have an explanation for her behaviour and no longer feel like you’re scratching your head wondering why someone behaves the way they do? It can certainly be validating to get the diagnosis.

@ThisSillySquid I’m so sorry to hear your mum has died. And that you receive zero emotional support from your DH. In some ways that’s worse than being alone I imagine. It’s ten years since my mum died and it’s such a difficult and painful time with so much to process. I‘m sorry you feel like you can’t lean on any friends. I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to feel like you couldn’t talk to them if you needed to. Hell, I cried on my boss back in April when xDP was putting me through the wringer! But if you feel you can’t then @SpecialMangeTout3 is right about being in nature. My step dad used to sit under the tree where my mums ashes were scattered and talk to her. He found comfort in talking to her but also in being outside I think.
My dad is utterly useless in situations like this. He has no capacity to tolerate and respond to other people’s emotions. I may as well talk to a hat. So I get it. It must be very lonely to be married to someone like this. You have all of my sympathies. X

Yes. Definitely. I think now we have it confirmed, we can understand why she felt a need to withdraw herself from things, why she felt overwhelmed constantly and why her meltdowns happened.

I can now (try to) stop blaming myself for it not working out, even though I did everything I could to support her and make it work (to the level I exhausted and lost myself trying to).

I think it’s good that you know you tried everything and that ultimately you got out. So many of us have stayed longer than was good for us.

Found a dog walking group so went along for the first time this morning. Has really lifted my mood. Being outside, being with people and exercise. The being with people was the best tonic as i work from home and have been feeling very isolated and lonely. Anyway hopefully found a solution to how i have been feeling