I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

Sorry you’re hurting OP. Be really kind to yourself. We all do daft things ,you haven’t committed a crime. If he’d have left his wife you would never really have been able to trust him anyway and splitting now means you’re not wasting anymore years on a life in the background . Good luck 🍀

Op has asked for support. If you have nothing positive to contribute, don't stick the knife in. Some of the comments are beyond vindictive. Op is not your ow.

Grieve the relationship that you dreamed it would turn into. Once you get over your grieving get angry about how his motives and how he treated you. Then be glad that what he will do for you he probably would do later to you in a relationship (aka cheat). Then self reflect and realise you are worth way more to be someone's affair.

Stay single, work on yourself and try to figure out why you are so desperate for attention and love, you put yourself in difficult situations and try and attract it from the wrong places. Therapy. You deserve better than being abused and someone else's bit on the side. Build yourself up before you even look at another man.

Having been cheated on & been the OW. I was not the one married I was not the one who promised to be faithful. My family & friends all believed him too they are very good liars. 2 years coming home to me at night not his wife you work that one out. I saw warning signs were how he wanted me to come to his house whilst she was not there, he was disrespectful to her that did not sit well with me. I finished it eventually, he started to send flowers 6 months later I ignored him.
I know your hurt but if he was lying to you about OW he was probably lying to her, she may not have instigated it, I might be completely wrong I know some women are toe rags but not all women. Some hurts never leave you but might be worth making your life the best you can.

Delete his number. Avoid checking his socials. Get an STI check. Be grateful you’re not married to him!!

I work with mostly men and so many of them are awful to/about their wives.

I don’t judge you or him for the affair, as marriages are complex and it is never easy to walk away when kids and finances are tangled together.

Regardless, he’s not a good guy to you or his wife!! He cares only for himself.

Make a list of every negative trait he showed. You’ll soon realise the version of him that you created in your head was an illusion. The real him is flaky, cowardly, pathetic, selfish and entitled.

Find someone who is free to prioritise you. You’ll get through this. Feel sorry for him and his sad, boring, narrow life where he feels compelled to have a bit of the side. Pity is a massively unattractive thing and will diminish him in your mind.

P.s. ChatGPT app is great for running through thoughts and venting emotions.

You're going to get an absolute flaming on here so I thought you could use at least one kind comment of support.
You were a prize idiot and a fool. I'm sure you don't need telling that but you were for believing his lies and falling for him.
Block him, block him again and then block him one more time just to be perfectly sure you blocked him correctly the first two times!
He has been a complete cunt to you, his wife and family. He never cared about you. He never cared about his wife and family. He only cares about himself despite all the lies and bullshit he's fed you over the past year. He was never going to leave his wife for you. He just wanted you as his bit of escapism on the side because he could. Je now either been found out or his wife has suspicions.
He is a coward of the lowest form. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ENGAGE WITH THIS MAN EVER AGAIN!!!!!

This. Absolutely this.

Agreed the amount of nastiness here is just awful.

OP, block, delete as others said. Get out there doing fun things, even go on a short break or a holiday to focus your mind on something else u enjoy. Reframe it as it was a FWB.

We don't know the bullshit her told her, he's the one who cheated on his wife. We've still made mistakes, I didn't appreciate someone fucking my partner whilst I was pregnant and him leaving me for her, but I've no doubt he told her as many lies as he told me.

Be kind to yourself OP and remember it's not worth the heartache. Better it ends now than it carries on.

Find someone worthy of your attention who can truly love you when you're ready. All the best.

if he just wanted sex, it would have lasted a lot less than a year. You are allowed to grieve just as much as anyone else whose relationship has broken up.

You escape a grim future, you only had his fun side, and he kept the boring mundane home stuff away from you. That's not a real relationship long term.

Block, accept that it's finished, and get busy so you can stop thinking about him.

Look at how people who have been cheated on are bitter, angry and unreasonable on this thread. Maybe his wife would be jsut as bad and would have made your life hell, who knows. Lucky escape, have a good cry and get too busy to remember him.

We seem to have a few under the bridge dwellers posting this evening.

OP I wanted to DM you but my screen would not allow - no idea why! Suffice to say, from experience you are so well rid of him - even though you thought you loved him. When I finally got rid of my 'lover' I felt so much better - got rid of all the silly clothes he liked me to wear (stockings etc.) I hate him now and you will with time.

@NeverEverLand37
FAFO
You'll get no joy round here luv
HTH

I’m struggling to understand why you’re surprised when you knew he was in a relationship.

He was always going to end things eventually.

Just look at it as you got what you needed after you left your ex.
Now you need to move on.

It seems like you jump from bad man to bad man - you need to be single for at least a year.
Learn to be happy and independent. Only then will you find a decent guy.

Hmm I’m not sure you can defend OP by saying we don’t know what lies he told her.

She knew he was married and she knew it was wrong.
So anything he told her is irrelevant.

I blame him more than I blame her, as he’s the one in the relationship but I still wouldn’t give someone like OP my sympathy.

It's a women's forum and for every OW there is a woman whose marriage has been destroyed. I don't find it surprising that women react this way.

Quite. I've been unfaithful and I've had people be unfaithful to me. At no time was a married partner or children involved, not that this should make any difference if you sway toward the side of the 'morality police'.

I've also been a victim of abuse. Serious abuse: twice raped, domestic violence, violence at the hands of my father and having my head smashed down a door resulting in concussion.

To compare being cheated on with being a victim of abuse denigrates those who truly have suffered this kind of behaviour in the homes where they should be safe. Of course, if there's overlap - gaslighting and abusive behaviour as well as the affair - then that's another matter. But, whilst having sex with another partner outside your primary relationship isn't acceptable behaviour - causing pain to others never is and I'm not claiming otherwise - it is not the same kind of violent or mental abuse highlighted above.

If you've never suffered that kind of horrific behaviour in any domestic context then I suggest that you should grateful you don't know the difference.

No support from me because you don’t deserve it

if a marriage is happy, there's no cheating - from either side.
It's probably easier to blame the OW, but it's a merely a symptom of a bad relationship, not the root of the problem.

It's sad when so many women keep focusing on their bitterness and anger instead of moving on. If they really feel their ex is such a waste of space, why giving him headspace at all

I do not know whether the OP is a genuine poster - most people would realise that they would get some extreme responses. However I’ll assume that she is.

All those who have left comments along the lines of the OP having been someone who’s wrecked a woman’s life / marriage. I find it so depressing that we don’t give men full responsibility for what they do in their marriages. It isn’t as though an OW cast some sort of spell and forced him to sleep with her.

It isn’t good to be an OW but not because of some responsibility to a man’s wife. It’s because being an OW is pretty much always shit. A young woman should want a boyfriend who can reasonably spend Christmas Day / Valentine’s Day / your birthday with you. Perhaps someone who is up for going on mini breaks to exciting places. This isn’t that guy.

He’ll spend some time whinging about his wife and / or how hard the situation is for him. There will be “reasons” he hasn’t split up with her and the OW will be expected to be sympathetic. This isn’t what fun times with a boyfriend are about.

Even if he were to leave his wife, he’ll always have baggage. He’ll have a difficult, acrimonious divorce and his children will be conflicted at best. The man will be bitter about having his assets split in two and half going to his wife. The OW will always feel as though she can’t ever relax - she might even regularly check up on him.

it is tough when someone bins you off. But don't go for married men.

I agree with Cru Cru. Men can be so persuasive, especially when they sense a woman is vulnerable as the op was. She no doubt feels bad about it now, not just because he has finished it. Feelings can get in the way of sensible thinking.

At the moment, she is suffering. Whether that is deserved or not is not for us to judge, our role is to support the op back to full strength so she can move on. I doubt she will make the same mistake again.