I wish you well, I honestly do, affairs are destructive for all involved. You are far better off out of it. However, I also believe that you are holding on to things that won’t help you heal. I could equally say that I thought he did not love you and that I get that those who are OW might not like that, but it is the case. The truth is, I have no idea, he might, he might not have. But the evidence so far suggests what is the actual truth.
Gently OP, and yes, I have been cheated on, but have no vested interest in believing this or not, I know for a fact that some do love their OW and leave, but they are a tiny minority who waved to leave their marriage anyway. Some think they do until the shit hits the fan then realise it was part of a fantasy, the horror of seeing what they might lose pops the fantasy bubble and they panic. Some love their OW in the affair bubble, but not enough when outside it to leave for a new life with them. The affair screams this all the way through, he goes back to his wife every day during the affair, pretends all is well to his wife, tells his wife he loves her, sleeps with her, buys her gifts, goes on holidays, celebrates his wedding anniversary, but nobody in the affair, especially the OW, wants to look at or question why. The affair will go on for as long as the OW puts up with this treatment, or until he gets found out.
Husband cites reason for affair, cites reasons for it being difficult to leave, but really wants to, husband dumps affair and goes back home desperate for his life back. OW left alone and ghosted.
My husband told his OW we lived like brother and sister, no longer had sex, slept in different rooms, told her I ignored him and didn’t love him. All this was bullshit OP. Total bullshit. We went out for drinks and meals together, holidays, lovely family times, he always bought me lovely gifts and flowers, as he always had done, we watched tv cuddled up on the sofa, slept in the same bed, were having sex and he still told me he loved me. OW thought I was a heartless harpie who no longer cared about him and didn’t deserve him like she did. Believed him when he said he didn’t love me. All bollocks OP, bollocks.
My husband had no reasons not to leave if that’s what he’d wanted. I told him to, told him the door was open and he could fuck off through it there and then if that’s what he wanted, I wasn’t going to try to stop him or beg, he could fuck right off, but there’d be no way back if he did and no guarantee that I wouldn’t change my mind at any point. We are financially well off and our children were older teens then and are young adults now. It was easy at the time with no obstacles for him to have chosen otherwise and have just left us. It would have been nonsensical to stay if he was unhappy, no obstacles.
I think they think they love their OW until forced by something or someone to choose, then they evaluate their real feelings as to what they want more, and decide. They either decide at this point that their feelings for OW as stronger and can’t give them up, and leave, or if allowed, stay with their wives because they want to.
For whatever reasons, being with his wife and family means more to him than being with you, or he would find a way and be with you. Nobody who has found real happiness after months of misery at home, returns to a place where they alleged they were utterly miserable unless they absolutely have to, and there are usually very few real reasons for that to be the truth.
People do what they really want to do, whatever words come out of their mouths. Watch his actions, not his words and when affairs are going on, do not believe that someone whom you know is lying to somebody else, will never lie to you, no matter how many sweet words and romantic declarations you are hearing.
Actions OP, not words.
I wish you well and am glad you are taking a different path.