I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

I agree. You can’t just get married and go opposite directions, refuse to have sex and be torturous to live with and then be shocked if your spouse wants out.

Affairs are 100% wrong always. That’s never the answer, but marriages do end.

You can’t be miserable for years and then act shocked when your husband/wife wants to end the relationship.

Honesty is important.

We don’t know anything in this case, just that the affair was wrong and deceptive and the op knows that herself. Affairs hurt everyone, for years, I think this thread should be a warning for anyone thinking of getting involved with anyone married. It’s a huge mistake and deeply hurtful. don’t do it.

Of course that is reality, nobody said it wasn’t. People do change and marriages often break down. “Nuance” however is only used as justification by those who operate in ways that ultimately, they know are wrong. If you want to end your marriage, do it, no nuance required. But lying and cheating for a year, as in ops case? Or 7 years in the case of another poster on this thread? That’s not “nuance” it’s just….a really shitty thing to do. And neither of them “got their man” at the end. And, even if they had, what would they have “won”? A cheat and a liar? No thank you.

Nothing to do with nuance. Some people get bored in long term relationships so spin a line to a desperate third party with poor self esteem about how hard done to they are.

Fling person laps it up, gets used and dumped and here we are.

Lesson to be learnt is if a married person lies and cheats to their spouse they'll do the same to their fling partners too.

Always best to go for a single person.

Well that's obvious isn't it. In my case he told me he was divorced. By the time I found out I was smitten. Happy to say he left and was leaving anyway. He was miserable. We've lived together since and are engaged. We are very happy. His ex has since stated that she is happier now. All's well that ends well. They were both unhappy for years. I hope she finds someone who makes her happy.

he got cold feet when he realised you were preparing to leave and he fucked off lol. You were his bit on the side , he wasn’t serious he just wanted his fun and you obliged. You should still leave anyway you are being disloyal, deceitful and cruel to your poor husband

The only nuance required is regarding the understanding of the nature of committed relationships. Loads of nuance required here. Posters understand full well that relationships end, people grow apart, people can be unbearable to live with etc etc and people fall in love with other people.
Totally understandable and an acceptable fact of life. Nobody is disputing that. Nobody is saying that it’s wrong to end committed relationships regardless of the circumstances.
There’s no nuance required however, around the fact that infidelity, in a mutually consensual committed relationship, is unjust and ethically wrong.
Committed relationships have goalposts and justifying infidelity is just attempting to move them to a different location. It’s easy to condemn, so try to understand, empathise, advise, absolutely. But you can’t justify the unjustifiable. “There there never mind” doesn’t wash, people who do this stuff should mind. They should mind very much about the impact of their choices on the people being duped, whose mental health, sexual health and whole way of life as they know it is being put at risk. Do I hate OW? No. I get how it happens and I know ex-OW and supported them in the aftermath and understand what happened. I never, ever excused or condoned in the process.
The relationship issues aren’t reasons or excuses, infidelity isn’t something which is the right thing to do as long as X and Y are true. Lying, betraying, keeping secrets from partners you have made promises and commitments to, is not just, or fair, or right. It’s a personal choice, where other more ethical options are available. Not everyone in an unhappy relationship inevitably cheats.
The only reason that infidelity exists, is that some people, when at a relational crossroads in their lives, despite knowing it’s wrong, are still ok with doing it. If they weren’t, it wouldn’t ever happen. Unhappy relationships will happen all day long until the end of time, but if people chose not to cheat in response, there would be no more cheating.
It’s not that posters have no nuance about infidelity, it’s because there is none regarding the justice or ethics of the action.
Nobody likes to hear the uncomfortable truth that some things in life are just plain wrong, but this is.
Adding excuses and ‘shades of’ are a bit like trying to say you’re a bit pregnant or a bit dead, you either are or you aren’t.

You're engaged to someone who lied to you, said he was divorced and is a proven cheat who had flings when married? Good luck and I mean that, I'm not taking the piss. I'd just keep a very close eye on things because leopards and spots and all that.

Cheats cheat not because they are miserable in their relationship, rather they get bored and thrive on secret thrills

How long ago was this? It’s optimistic of you to think it has ended well.

Thanks for the best wishes. It's been nearly 5 years of bliss. Bought a home together and both happier than ever. We're only sad we didn't meet sooner. I know a couple who met the same way. They're about to celebrate 45 years together. Another couple who lasted 30 but one sadly passed away. I have my shit together. I don't NEED him, I choose him and he chooses me everyday.

Tee Hee 😂

This lady has all the answers, she must be praketing richcraft.

Too long to read
shes a tart end of

It’s really not too long to read at all. Try it, you might learn something.

Excellent feedback from the vipers. Can't stop my chuckke

How long have you been together all up?

I think it was yet another holiday that he went on with his wife and children. With the promise he would leave when he came back again. There was definitely more than sex involved with us and we did genuinely care for each other, but the facts were he was never going to leave. I never considered telling his wife and I just walked away. No arguments, no fighting. This was over 15 years ago and I bumped into him (he was alone). We exchanged pleasantries and moved on. I felt absolutely nothing towards him. He is I believe still with his wife and had affairs after me. I believe one woman did leave her husband, his wife found out but they are together still with adult children. When you put enough space between each other. It’s much easier to see what everyone else sees.

there was also a huge amount of sunken costs fallacy. I couldn’t bear the thought of having waited for so long, be left with nothing and for him to eventually leave his wife and find someone else. I was very hurt at the start but as time goes on you realise that it takes a certain type of person to let you go to every friends weddings and birthdays alone. Spend Christmas alone. Birthdays alone. Holidays with people other than him. That’s not love. Well not the kind I want anyway. For as long as you keep contact you will never move on and potentially find someone who will give you everything you want in a relationship.

Exactly.

It also takes a certain type of person to knowingly date a man or woman who is married with kids and want them to leave their family. Did you know from the start? Did you ever feel guilty?

It was primarily his fault of course as he was the married one, but I’d have felt sick to be part of anything like that!

When I was on dating apps I often used to have a warning that married men should piss off 😂

I’d feel bad for their family but also more selfishly for my own ego I’d hate it! I’d feel very under valued and personally insulted and disrespected if a married man tried to get with me.

I’d be thinking this man wants to be the only man in my life but doesn’t think I deserve to be the only woman in his life.

Bliss sounds lovely! However 'if he was respected and cherished at home he'd not have pursued you' does sound like he's played the poor me card a bit too much.

Keep an eye on his phone and always be on alert would be my advice sadly, as I'd bet a tenner he'll be telling someone else he isn't cherished or respected at his latest home.

Maybe read more on the relationships board for some insight into cheats behaviour? Good luck.

not sure about there being a certain type of woman. Like I have said further up thread. The person I was before that and the person after it bears no resemblance to the person that did that.
I was 23 and getting divorced after a mentally, financially and physically destructive short lived marriage. He was much older and more senior than me in work. He initiated it and I was completely unaware of ‘the script’. But it was spot on. Married his childhood girlfriend, had kids, they didn’t sleep together anymore, more like brother and sister. Only together because of the children. Plus she had an ‘illness’ (she didn’t. It was part of his script).
I fell for him. Thought the timing eas unfortunate, but reasoned that these things happen and you can’t help who you fall in love with. I can honestly say that I felt perfectly fine with him leaving his wife and children at the time as I thought we were meant to be. Nobody could have convinced me other wise. I never made any demands, tried to be super cool but sex on tap whenever he wanted to try and do everything to get him to be with me. I genuinely don’t know what was in it for him the last three years as I was a mental wreck with my emotions. I ended it when he went away again. I was lucky that my friends have known me since childhood. They hated what I was doing but knew all my other qualities that didn’t make me this one dimensional mistress. Obviously nearly 20 years later nobody can believe I did it or even resemble a person that would do that. But I did. I completely regret it and I’m embarrassed about what I did. But at the time, I was completely content to tear a family apart because I felt we had fallen in love.

I suppose there must be cases of people who sound like they’re just following The Script yet aren’t. I’ve just never actually met anyone where it has turned out that way. Mind you, most of those collapsed before 5 years anyway.

Op he didn’t love you get that idea out of your head..he wanted his cake and eat it..if he wanted you he’d be with you full stop..it’s all about what’s in his trousers..his poor wife not knowing what she’s living with.. and you are just as bad as him there are plenty of single men out there you know..karma’s a bitch

Nothing to chuckle about , his wife and children are real people with real feelings

the cheat and the tart are nothing to chuckle about either they are disgusting specimens with no morals

you don’t sound much better than them

Still too long and I doubt I will learn anything the cheating man and the tart are scum end of

Are you under the impression that finishing your sentences with the words “end of” makes your point more emphatically? I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you that the opposite is true.