I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

He's never played the poor me card. It's information I have gleaned from his family and friends who also see a major difference in him.

@Sweetharmony252 you could be one of the ‘lucky’ % who actually can make a relationship work, as previous affair partners, but stats are clear, it’s highly unlikely in the VAST majority of cases, that even if the cheat leaves for the AP, the relationship will survive. They are also 3-4 times more likely to cheat again in the subsequent relationship than someone who has never cheated.

This is because it’s now widely accepted that cheating isn't always about ‘unhappy marriages’ but about inherent flaws in the cheat whatever they may be, so like it or not, your ‘special man’ may at some point revert to type.

So ‘If he was respected and cherished at home he'd not have pursued you’ is pure victim blaming and an absolutely shameful comment.

Not surprising then the ‘vipers’ are coming for you.

Well I'll take my chance. Interesting statistics. What is your source? I'd be intrigued to have a read

Bless you. Information given to his friends and family by a cheat.
Honestly, I hope this person is the complete anomaly, a one off cheat who because he wasn't cherished at home sort a thrill elsewhere and has now completely stopped having a roving eye.
It is rarely the case though. Liars are just wired differently to genuine people.

Nah. It's from their observations. Sorry to burst your bubble.

they all claim their marriage has been bad for years. It's the oldest line in the book. And you fell for it

Have a clean break. Block him on everything, don’t be tempted to just check if he has been back in touch. With time the hurt will fade and you’ll see it for what it was. He will be doing the same thing with someone else undoubtedly.

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
You are obviously very bitter, but this thread is giving an insight into the fact that the OW is often a victim too.

@Sweetharmony252 sure…

Numerous researches have been completed on longevity of affair relationships some put it as low as 1-2%, but it’s always dire. it doesn’t matter if you yourself are successful or a couple I know, the stats are bad and very well known. Data has been compiled from a mixture of clinical psychology studies, sociological research papers, and longitudinal data collected by marriage and family therapists over several decades. Referenced by Pittman, Glass and others in the field.

Study around likelihood of repeat cheating behaviour at 3-4 times more likely, is in this paper “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?: Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent relationship’ this is hugely referenced in numerous articles.

But a quick google would have worked too, to find out for yourself ;)

Is that the relationship where the husband has left his wife for another woman?
Or the length of the affair before OW gets found out/dumped?
Affairs that I have known haven't usually lasted over 2 years. There's probably an optimal time when the wife finds out. Strangely, I have known other men get fed up of observing the situation and then inform the wife. Proving that men do have morals too.
I know 2 couples who married after affairs. Both have lasted over 30 years, still together. I wasn't around at the time that they split up from their first wives. Second wives were both younger, both work colleagues. One of the first wives informed second wife that husband had been a serial adulterer throughout their marriage. Second wife said she didn't care. God knows if he was unfaithful to number 2. I am of the opinion that she wouldn't object.
Another wronged wife used to say 'He always comes home to me'. Indeed he did. But what a sad state of affairs.

Wow, Google and a wink emoji. I didn’t realise I was in the presence of such scholarship. Thanks Prof 😉

Is that true for all women who cheat with married men? Or do some think they're so much better than the wife and try to prove it?

That is a pretty lame answer but to be expected judging by your previous responses…at the end of the day you didn’t need to ask for the info, you just wanted to try and catch me out, as you could have done your own research.

Anyway just watch yourself with him!

I think this is true for some - but they don’t actually think they are, but need the validation that they are. Stemming from fathers who didn’t put them first, eg those who ironically had affairs and left the family home for the AP. So they need to prove to themselves that they can ‘win’ this time.

Whether they feel they don’t deserve anything better as @BlueShoeGlue puts it or whether they are trying to prove to themselves and others they are better than the wife, I believe the root cause is still low-
self esteem and a poor sense of self-worth.

People who are truly secure and happy in themselves don’t do this.

Not sure this thread is of any help any more to the long gone OP (just three posts from OP compared to the-at-time-of-writing 440 in total.)
Maybe the increasing nastiness in it is down to the very hot weather.
Please let’s think before we type, especially those of us getting hot under the collar for whatever reason, no matter how angry we are or however much we feel right or justified.
We’re all entitled to our opinions and infidelity threads rarely stay civil, probably due to how emotive and damaging the topic and the action are.
The reality is that none of us really know what anybody is going through here, what kind of a day anyone is having, or what lurks in anybody’s present or past containing painful reminders. #BeKind got huge support at the time, but didn’t last long.
Better to bite your lip, scroll on and keep your dignity.

Bravo. Nicely said!

It finishes my sentence Thankyou

Honestly there's no bubble to burst, I'm happily married, he knows he's very lucky to have me . Just I've friends who have been where you are, who could repeat things word for word about an awful spouse 'not appreciating/cherishing/respecting him' and that's why he cheated. The cheats behave for a while but it's behaviour that is who they are so it resurfaces at some point.

One friend's ex is now back with her, cheating on his fling. Must tie themselves in knots!

You sound defensive and that is understandable no one likes to feel criticised and it's none of my business just when you post so openly you'll get people responding.

I hope he's changed but sorry to say any late nights, hidden/deleted messages etc and you will always be wondering.

Human beings are complicated. I can see how someone could have feelings for two different people at once, even if it's wrong.

Not defensive in the slightest. And he knows he's hit the jackpot. We're best friends as well. Yes he cheated, yes it was wrong. As I said, she is happier now too. She's comfortable and doesn't have to put up with him anymore. I on the other hand provide for myself and adore putting up with him lol. So it worked out well for everyone. And to add, I was married a long time too, over 20 years. I fell out of love and was unhappy. I ended it. I agree that's the best approach of course. As I say, I hope she finds someone who makes her happy. I don't think meeting someone else after 30 years married is serial cheater behaviour. I'm very secure in my relationship.

Well yes, of course we can have feelings for multiple people at once. I don’t think anyone gets married thinking they will never find anyone other than their spouse attractive, ever again?
But it’s the adult, responsible, moral part of you who decides what to do with those feelings. Or who should at least. A feeling is just that, a feeling, there is no rule that says you have to act on it.
I know far too many people, men and women, who have acted on those “feelings” and deeply regret it.

If his marriage was bad, and he loved you, he’d leave her and be with you, he hasn’t, so no he didn’t love you irrelevant of what he’s said- he’s a liar to have cheated, why should anything he’s said to you be true?

Don’t delude yourself, and also don’t expect the wife won’t find out and make what you’ve done public.

'I don't think meeting someone else after 30 years married is serial cheater behaviour'

You think you were the only person he cheated on her with? He's a proven liar, he lied to you and said he was divorced when he wasn't. Why do think he hasn't also lied whe he said he hasnt cheated before? Of course he has. Maybe not with anyone offering him security and accommodation though.

Just be careful. Don't believe everything he says, he's lied to you already .

He lied to you about being divorced and you think there's going to be a happy ending that he won't lie to you the same as he did his ex. That's huge deceit to start a relationship on. Good luck with that, nobody can't say you're not optimistic about life.