Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Yes thankfully I have some amazing family and friends who have been with me every step of the way. I wish I could start seeing my husband the way they all do now though!

Be kind to yourself I'm 16 months down the line still have bad days but it does get better 💐

You're allowed to have wobbles and feel how you feel! If you need to cry, do it (preferably when the kids aren't around if you want to have a good wail!) It's still very early days and you will have bad days and better days. Accept it for what it is, a grieving process. Let it take as long as it takes. It's a cliché but one day at a time is all you can do, try not to worry over the future and catastrophise in your head. You are strong and you will get through the difficult days and you will come out the other side. One day you will wake up and it won't hurt any more. You will get there lovely 💐

Thank you again everyone, I cannot say how comforting these messages have been.

Tonight he has decided to go and stay at his mum’s for the night apparently. Seems strange considering he was so set against it when I suggested it at the beginning of the week.

Yes, catastrophising is exactly what I’ve been doing. I keep thinking I’ll end up a complete mess when the kids aren’t here with me and how lonely it will feel xx

Maybe he is having a night with the other woman if she exists. Sorry to pile on the hurt but it is odd he is spending one night there.

Op you are grieving for your loss just because it’s not a death it’s still a loss and it will take a long time to recover but you will. Has he told family that’s he leaving his family. Hopefully he will see sense and move out soon as this will stop you moving on he’s been very cruel doing this then making you having to see him daily while he has already moved on. Take care don’t worry about the tears this is all normal you don’t just wake up and say right that’s it I’m over him because it takes time.

It does get better, OP.

If he refuses to leave, then make sure you do absolutely NOTHING for him. No cooking, washing his clothes etc.

All of this OP.

And when he’s looking after the DC, make sure everything is left to him to sort - no dipping in to help. No organising dinners or school drop-offs. Personally I’d try and get out of the house on your non-child days - go to the gym, visit a friend, stay with relatives overnight if you’re not working. He needs to understand exactly what’s involved when he is responsible for childcare on his own.

Keep a diary of any times he fails to do what’s required during his allotted times, and when you have to step in. Will help if he does try and go for 50/50.

I’ve already had the thought that he may potentially be with someone else and not his mum, as sad as that makes me feel.

I haven’t been for the last few days, no washing, cooking or anything. Just for me and the kids.

I’m not sure if finding out there’s another woman would make me feel better in some weird way, because then at least I’d know for definite that nothing I could’ve done would’ve made a difference to the outcome.

There is nothing you could have done lovely.
It's all on him.
If you tell yourself nothing else make sure it's that.
You can't love someone into treating you the right way. If they are going to be a shit bag then that's what they'll do.
I took my cheater back in 2024. All the issues he said he had with the marriage we changed or resolved. Had what I thought were a happy couple of years but he's just done it again.
You really couldn't do anything.

Oh I’m so so sorry! Sending you lots of love. I hope you’re telling yourselves the same things also. You deserve much better!

Hope you're ok @mummy917
I WISH I'd had Mumsnet when my shit bag husband left me. I would be in a far better place no doubt
(((Hugs)))

So sorry to hear this, I really hope you’re in a better place now or at least starting to feel like you’re there xx

I'm doing OK thanks. Much like you, good moments and bad ones. I found out for sure may 3rd (after weeks of the script, he actually told me henwas tired of having to prove i could trust him. You couldn't make it up!) and had a hysterectomy on the 7th just to make it more fun lol. He's here still till I'm back on my feet to look after the kids (and me, much as he can). Can't wait now for him to move out.
But just goes to show its not at all about any of the crap they throw at you. It's all about them. They aren't built for marriage and a family.

Oh bless you, I hope you’ve got wider support to get you through this also. I bet you can’t wait until he can leave properly.

Yes, definitely shows that the things they try to throw at us are absolute rubbish and are just an excuse for their terrible behaviour and complete lack of respect.

I really hope you’re feeling better soon both physically and emotionally xx

Just a little update; husband hasn’t came home yet from his mum’s. I am really starting to wonder how 50/50 is going to work when he’s not here for them when he’s techinically under the same roof?

I thought about texting him to see when he’d be back as I’d like to meet my best friend for a coffee but I don’t want to seem like I’m chasing after him.

I think the best thing for you is not to text him. Could your friend come to you?
The least contact you have with him the better for your nervous system.
It has added benefit of him actually feeling what it is he's doing.

I was about to say the same. For the sake of not relying on hi lm at all and completely ignoring what he does or not, could your frien come to you for a cuppa? Do you have your parents around who could watch the kids for 1h or so while you go?

She is coming to me, which is great. I haven’t sent him a message, however he’s gone from yesterday morning without seeing the kids at all. I had to lie to our eldest this morning and tell him he’d gone to the gym early before work.

They'll remember who was consistent for them op x

Please don't lie to your children to protect him. Say something like "Dad's gone to stay at grandma's. I don't know when he's coming back." Because honesty is crucial if they're not going to be hurt when he finally deserts the home.

I'd bet serious money on him lying for or defending you when he has them on his own.

I felt awful doing it but I didn’t know what else to say as he’d just ask further questions about why he’d gone to stay there when he never has before. I want both of us to sit down and tell the kids together, yet the more this is going on, the more likely it’s looking like I’ll be the one who ends up having to tell them.

Hi Op are you sure he’s at his mums? I would tell him he might be a single man but he still has responsibilities as a father and even when he stays away he needs to be in communication about the kids with you. Tell him you’re not going to be available all the time it’s equally his responsibility. Op it’s like he literally forgot he has kids he’s a joke.

Fucking rat putting it on you to tell the children.Tell them a kid friendly version of the truth.
Wouldn't put it past him to poison the kids minds that it all your doing.

That great that you can unload to your friend.💐

I would be insisting that he tells the children with you. How dare he leave it all to you. Telling the kids was the worst thing for me.

FWIW - I found certain story books like Mum and Dad Glue really helpful to reassure them that despite the changes, mum and dad still loved them very much.