Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

I'm so sorry OP.

Just adding to the voices that say it's not controlling to expect your husband to behave like he's part of a family, especially one with small children. It's not cold to argue on occasion.

Big hugs

Please don't sit down and tell the DCs together. He will stream his BS version, and you'll have to either nod along or risk a blazing row when you contradict his version. And the DCs will find out anyway.

Better you deliver your simple truth to them - I don't know what's going on with your dad, but I'm still here and gonna make sure you're OK - than collude with his BS and end up having them not fully trusting you either.

Been there.

This. You don't need (and shouldn't) bash him but you don't need to shield them from his decisions either.
Mine are older than yours but I told them something along the lines that their Dad is making choices for himself. I tried my best to keep us all together but we have to let him do what makes him happy and at rhe moment that's another lady. We both love you very much and we both want you to be happy. I am here If you have questions or just want to be sad.

What you want and what you will get are miles a part and you need to realise that pretty damn quick.

You are coming from the responsible, respectful, putting the children first side. He is coming from the me, me, me side, possibly even the anger/punishment side. And I suspect he is trying to punish you right now with the lack of communication. Punish you for what? No idea. Trapping him with kids, draining him of money and freedom, stopping him from dating other women, making him clean up his mess, not mothering him enough, wanting you to do the begging pick me dance. Who knows, doubt even he knows.

Keep it short and to the point with the children. PP was right to say he is at grandma's and unsure when he's back. If your DC keep asking then just say they will need to ask their father. Reassure them that you love them and you aren't going anywhere but keep batting the dad questions back into his corner to answer.

Sadly he doesn’t. No court can force a father to take care of his own kids - it’s ridiculous.

Except he has stated he wants 50:50 with the children. So he needs a reality check on exactly what that entails e.g. the housework, the larger house, the getting up early, the finding and paying for babysitters etc.

As others have said he's probably asking for that as it removes their maintenance money from the equation, without thinking through the consequences.

I’m still very much in the phase of just wishing things could be sorted out and go back to normal. I feel pathetic for feeling this way but the alternative makes me want to sit and sob.

I wish we didn’t need to tell the kids anything, didn’t need for him to look for somewhere else to live. I honestly don’t know how people get through this.

I get that op. And you might feel stuck in that phase for a while. You love him, the future you expected is hard to let go of, the future you're faced with feels really scary and you don't to lose your family. While he's still in the house especially you'll feel pulled to him and I know your brain is in overdrive trying to figure out what's happened and how to fix it.
But I promise you, you will increasingly come to the conclusion that life ahead looks different but not necessarily bad and that the consequences of his choices are his own.
You'll still have your dc, your friends, your family and things that fulfill you. You won't constantly be frustrated with dh not stepping up and you will know you'll never have to live through this with him again. Then look at what he's losing. He's losing you, he's losing daily contact with his dc, he's likely moving to another relationship which will undoubtedly come with its own set of challenges and he will have times he misses you. He's just too in affair fog to feel it yet.

I am 1.5 years in and like you OP I couldn’t believe I could recover ( I have actually been through it twice) . But I am so so much better now .Don’t get me wrong- it changes you and it will make you sad for a long time. But life goes on and over time the pain/hurt/ shock get less.

a lot of it is habit. You are used to him, used to thinking about him all the time, used to him being in the family . So with time the habit breaks .

just try and make good decisions now. Don’t use alcohol to feel better, don’t jump into another relationship, don’t beg him.

i put a sign up on my wall saying “ what would ….insert name of kids… do in this situation? And let that guide me.

good luck op!!! You will get through this. There are so many women on here who have been there and we will support you. Hopefully you will find someone in real life who has been through it too .

I know you are all absolutely right in what you’re saying about things getting easier with time, but I just can’t wrap my head around how things have changed and I feel I’ve got no way to stop it.

I do worry about the future but relationships are the furthest thing from my mind. I’m an over-thinker by nature anyway so I’m pretty sure I’ve worried about every single possible scenario there is.

It's a lot to process because your life has taken a huge turn and it wasn't something you had envisaged for your future.
I think the key is not to have huge expectations of it being better straight away.
I get that people post that it's going to be great and it's for the best etc but the reality is that it probably won't feel like that for a good while.
The only thing you can do is to just live day by day and look for moments of happiness/calm/contentment in those days. It sounds like a cliche but journalling about those moments can help.
Obviously a certain amount of future planning is unavoidable but try not to dwell on the future all the time & just take each day as it comes.
Be patient with yourself and with life, it all takes time. Xx

So Sorry op x

I feel like the best way for me to try and handle it at the moment is to just keep reminding myself that this is not what I want and it hasn’t been my decision. I know a lot of people advise to feel your anger, but I honestly don’t feel that way, I just feel very sad and upset.

I do feel I have done a lot to try and save my marriage, it’s just hard accepting that my husband doesn’t seem to want to do the same.

I am trying to live day to day but at the same time, I wish I could envision a time where I feel content and as though I’m getting my life back on track, although I know that will take time.

The anger will come. And it will go and be replaced by sadness. You'll want to shake him and make the husband you knew come back. You'll worry about him and that he'll regret it. And slowly you'll find your sense of self in at all. In little bits at first. Then in bigger bits. Try and talk to yourself as your friends would

Your anger might come if you find out that he has done this because he has another woman
But even if you feel anger you will still feel sad too because it is sad when a marriage with all the hopes & dreams you had comes to an end.
You have to acknowledge that sadness and the inevitable grief that comes with it and ride out the storm.
You could write down what you would like the long term future to look like and read that/think about that when you are down. And I don't mean a future with another man, I mean you and your future - where do you ultimately want to be and how do you ultimately want to feel.

My husband had been a lovely husband, considerate, calm, loving, a great dad. Then he got depressed, after a couple of years he turned to another woman, we split up. He came home for a short while as we decided to try to restart, it was horrible, we were so disconnected and like strangers to each other, he said he was leaving again. I had predicted this and had my stuff ready in the boot of my car. I left him in the house with the children and said I’d be back in a month. Obviously I still saw the dc and they were fully understanding of what I was doing and were supportive.

Well bloody hell, did he have his eyes opened! It was a constant barrage of texts (I refused to speak, so texting was all he had), he hadn’t a clue what he’d left me with, he barely coped. I asked him why he felt he couldn’t cope but that he’d felt do blasé about leaving me to cope. He realised how selfish he’d been.

We still broke up and he managed to talk his OW back round, but they didn’t last. He had a nervous break down, lost his job, completely fell apart. We are friendly now, he desperately wants to get back together, but it’s a no for me. He tells me I’m amazing and he has so much respect for me and all I do. He’s also seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, he lives in a bedsit and is getting his life back together. Silly man, if he’d opened his eyes while we were still together life would be so different now. They think leaving is moving on and leaving the hardship behind, they don’t realise they can’t do that easily, well they can’t if they have any decency at all, as they have changed too, they miss their family life and the peace and steadiness of a good woman.

I’m not sure what advice I can give you, I’m still very shook up by the whole thing tbh, I just wanted to show you some support, I know it isn’t easy, in fact it’s the hardest time of my life by far. I was blindsided too.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, I can only imagine how difficult that must’ve been for you too! I’m glad you’re finally at a point where you can be friendly with your ex husband. I also hope you have lots of people in real life who are helping you through all of this, as well as your children. You seem like an extremely strong woman xx

I feel as though as well as the sadness I’m feeling and the grief, I feel a huge amount of guilt because he has said that ultimately this is my fault as to why the marriage has broken down. Even though I know he’s at fault too, when you’re repeatedly told it’s your fault, you start to believe it.

I think when I feel stronger, I will write down how I want my future to look with my children. At the moment it wouldn’t go beyond having our family back together xx

Do you know for sure yet that there isn't another woman and he isn't delivering the Script to you?

Making things your "fault" is very much part of that and is not something you should be taking on board.

I don’t know either way if there’s another woman or not. I have no real way of finding out either. I can’t check his phone as it’s always on him and I don’t know his password.

I did read a thread on the script a few days ago and it does all sound familiar to what he’s saying, but he just continues to say he’d had enough and reached his limit etc. And without proof of another woman, I don’t feel like I have a choice other than to take him at his word.

Fair enough but also it's not all your fault & you shouldn't feel guilty.
I know it's easier said than done but please try to reframe your thinking and literally tell yourself it's not all your fault whenever you mind goes there or he says it is.

The danger is that feeling guilty about the marriage ending and seeing it as "your fault" will make you act in a way that favours him rather than looking out for yourself.
He knows this and it's why he's doing it.
Don't take on the sole blame for him being unhappy and not enjoying family life.

Thank you for this, it has really helped me to try and see things differently. It’s not always the easiest when I’m in that mindset, but it does help.

I’ve said to him multiple times that his lack of consideration and thought for me and the kids over the years, has been the reason 99.9% of the time that I’ve ended up at my breaking point too and has resulted in me having a go at him, but he just says that’s “an excuse”. So I’m hitting my head off a wall really.

I love how their answer to being challenged to step up as a husband and father is to withdraw from the role entirely 🙄
Try to reframe it in your mind as its not your reactions to imbalance that have caused the problem. Its that he knows what is required of him and he is choosing not to give it

he just says that’s “an excuse”

look up DARVO. Instead of accepting that he was a shit husband and father that drove you to breaking point, he is now reversing the victim and offender. All part of script.

An excuse. So essentially he is telling you that it’s unreasonable and bullying of you to try and assert your own needs or boundaries, or to critique his behaviour at all. He should, in his world, be allowed to behave any way he likes, and you should just shut up about it and accept it. Does that sound loving or reasonable? He certainly isn’t thinking about anyone but himself at the moment.