Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Times are tough right now. Financial stress coupled with four young children and both of you working (one at night) so you two have been passing ships with barely any quality family time.

I'm sorry your marriage is over and sorry that your husband has opted out of any household responsibilities and now the whole marriage.
Consider yourselves separated and split the chidcare 50/50 now to give yourself time for lawyers appointments etc. Try to behave genuinely civil; it's best for the long term. Don't waste any energy on anything but sorting out a sustainable okay way of life for yourself.

So he brought another woman to your house while your mum was at work and you were in bed? That's shocking!

Very true - then he can honestly say his wife left him, and then he quickly met a new partner …

We have worked out a schedule for childcare which is more like 60/40 and works around my shifts too. I will be instructing a solicitor to draw something up in writing however I’m still not confident he will stick to this.

I suppose an other woman will present herself quite quickly if there is one.

I have told him he needs to go and stay at his mum’s but he is point blank refusing.

I do hope his football and social arrangements take a hit!

Can you enlist any of his family to persuade him to go? This is what I had to do in a similar situation. My ex was refusing to leave and it was really effecting my MH ( ow materialised about 3 months after he came out with the script. She was so young it was embarrassing and I could not believe the man I had kids with could be so awful ) but he did not care and refused to leave. His family persuaded him that he was being unreasonable. He left and stayed in friends spare room. Ow soon disappeared when that reality hit!

good luck op. It’s truly awful what you are going through . Put your head down and live through it. Keep strong . It does take a lot of time to get over the betrayal and deceit but you do get there. I look at ex now and don’t know how i shed even a single tear for him.

So basically he has lived like a single man whilst married for years and now wants full freedom. Pack his bag, show him the door, get a solicitor and arrange for him to have the kids at least 1 school night and every second weekend. I would say every weekend but between work and the kids in school it would mean your time would be limited.

This won't work. He'll have another woman move in before long to do all the donkey work.

Change the locks when he is out and dump all his stuff in the garden in black sacks.

Way back when I was in my early 20s and sharing a flat, one of my flatmates - who was only 22 - took up with a man with 4 kids. He was divorced, but had all 4 of these primary-aged kids every other weekend. Which he spent WITH my flatmate, in her room.

Whilst it wasn't an affair, I really didn't see the appeal (he was quite a bit older and frankly, not the best looking lorry driver I'd seen) at all. She moved out to live with him and so I've no idea how long it lasted thereafter. I can only assume he was red-hot in bed.

Here we go again. You can’t lock your spouse out of your marital home, regardless of whether thy are a co-owner or not. You can’t lock a partner out of a home they co own. In both scenarios you would need to justify it with evidence of abuse/clear threat. They’ll just get an occupation order and walk straight back in, and you will be handing them a gift to bring to court as evidence of unreasonable behaviour in any divorce proceedings.

You are sounding stronger from your first post which is nice to see.

Have you contacted the landlord to see if they will transfer the tenancy to just you, assuming it's in both your names?

Contact his mother and tell her to come and fetch her useless son. Perhaps mention that the sooner she does the sooner she'll get to see the grandchildren when it's his parental time. But I can be very PA at times.

Why would he want 50/50 as he does so little now?

Answer: to avoid having to pay for his children.

Well then, I hope all domestic labour for him has stopped.

No shopping, cooking, cleaning up his stuff, washing, ironing etc.

Just look after you and the children

I don’t feel overly strong this morning. I’m having a huge wobble and have cried for a chunk of the morning. I feel like I’m grieving for the life I thought we’d planned and the life I wanted.

I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way but I can’t help thinking what has happened to the person I knew.

I wish I could fast forward to a time where I don’t want my husband anymore and feel happy and content with the life I’ve built with my children.

Any other ex-communicated Mormons on here?

This period will be so hard and you will have many wobbles. He will likely be cold and irritated with you as he’s had time to think about this and his attentions are elsewhere.

You WILL come through this even though it takes time. Feel your feelings. Get out of the house as often as you can. Divide childcare now, even if in same house. On his nights you go to see friends, join a nice gym with a pool, sauna etc and spend a couple of hours there exercising and having some space. Look after yourself.

One day, before long, reality will hit him and he will be the one who feels rotten. At this point, you’ll be coming out of this dark place, starting to feel more resilient and happy in yourself and your future. DO NOT LET HIM DRAG YOU BACK IN when this happens! You will look back on yourself one day and be so proud.

Have you got any support IRL? It would be a good idea if you could speak to someone and maybe get some practical support with the children. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment some help might give you a bit of breathing space. Things will settle down in the future, it's getting there that's the most difficult thing. You only have to do one day at a time though.

Oh lovely, I know this feeling so so well! It's shitty early days, I wouldn't go back for anything.

You don’t need a solicitor to draft up a parenting plan; you can draft up from a template, it’s not legally binding, but it shows him you mean business in sorting out the future, long and short term

Him saying your explanations are excuses - well, put that conversation behind you and never have it again. If he drags up past behaviours for discussion, just say there’s no point in discussing the past any more, those days are over

He refuses to go to his mum - I bet he does alright. My mantra was always ‘well, as you say this relationship is over, so you clearly can’t stay here any more.’ Don’t make suggestions or compromise, it’s when not if.

These are the hard yards; but your future will be brighter.

I feel like I’m grieving for the life I thought we’d planned and the life I wanted.
But you ARE grieving. Your life as you know it has gone, it is no more, it is a form of death. Which means you will go between crying, anger, resentment, depression, back to crying all within an hour some days and on others you will feel hope, excitement, peace, gratefulness , then cycle back to self doubt and regret. Allow yourself to grieve and accept that there was nothing you can do or could have done to have changed the outcome.

No regrets OP. He isn't worth a single one

If you notify UC for benefits due to separation remember you have to back that up by not buying his food, having separate food cupboards, not cooking for him, or cleaning, doing none of his laundry, no joint accounts, etc etc. Otherwise they will assume you are trying to defraud the system.

It's natural to have wobbles along the way, you're grieving for a life that will never be now.

But you will get through this. I found it helped to make a list of things that needed to be done to get to where I wanted to be without him (if that makes sense) and the sense of achievement I felt accomplishing each little step, really helped me feel that the whole situation wasn't completely hopeless.

Honestly, in a few weeks time you will probably find it's actually easier parenting without him.

It is totally natural and normal to feel the way you are, to be in tears, to be shocked and in disbelief. I can recall feeling that my husband had turned into a cruel stranger overnight, the shock was immense. We had sold our flat and were all set to move into this lovely house, I had a small baby and had to cope with everything while he swanned off to Spain with his new love. Less of me, and let's think about you. Crying and feellng grief are normal and natural, a metaphorical bomb has gone off in your life and it will take a good while to start to rebuld, to feel ok and in control. Life will be different and not the life you had envisaged but it will get better. I promise you that you will look back and be so proud of how far you have come and how much you have achieved. It is very early days, sometimes just getting through the next hour is enough. I hope there are good people IRL who you can talk to and I hope the therapy is helping.

It’s still very early days OP, it’s bound to hit you hard right now.
Especially as you still have to see his stupid face everyday.
My ex was similar, went to full on hating me and blaming me for everything that went wrong.
It may or may not be another woman, maybe he wants what he perceives an “easier” life, no responsibility’s, so he has to blame you and believe it in his own head that your the problem- so it justifies what he’s doing.

Im 2 years out now n the thought of my ex absolutely makes me cringe, I feel nothing for him at all and I never thought I’d get over it.

Keep going, your strong and once you no longer have to see him in your house you will start to heal, right now it’s all raw and be kind to yourself.

You have the right to feel anyway you like.
He's detonated your world.
It will take time to process what's been put upon you.i hope you have real life support.