Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

As you say your children are around 99% of the time you have to talk to him, could you switch to putting some things on text instead? That way not only do they not hear it, but it’s also documented if you need it later.

@mummy917

The thing to remember is that many times when a person (him) accuses another person (you) of being controlling, it's not because they are. It's so that person (you) bends over backwards to show how UNcontrolling they are so the other person (him) always gets their way. This is a very well known manipulative technique. And the only thing it 'proves' to them is that the tactic works, since they know you aren't really controlling in the first place.

So you need to really give thought to all the things you're doing to accommodate what he says he wants so be sure you aren't actually doing yourself a 'wrong' to try to do him a 'right' simply to show him how 'uncontrolling' you are. You aren't an unreasonable person and you want what is best for your DC. Let that guide you. Just remember that you need to prove nothing to him. He says you're controlling? So what? YOU know the truth.

You don't have to say, but did you speak to the solicitor about the benefits of a 'spelt out' court order wrt the children vs an 'informal' agreement re access and/or maintenance? Both have their plusses and minuses.

My BFF ended up having to get a court order that spelt things out down to a gnat's arse because her ex kept jacking her around on access in order to disrupt (control) her life and her plans. Not showing up with no notice or showing up on a different day because he arbitrarily decided to change his weekend, showing up or dropping off early/late, or not dropping off at all so she had to go get the child. She even had the order amended so that each had to give a minimum 72 hour 'notice of change' to change dates AND that the original date was then 'cancelled'. She also had '30 minute period' put on the order so he wasn't to show up more than 30 minute early and if he didn't show up within 30 minutes after of his pick up time, she (and DC) was free to get on with her day and that weekend's visit was cancelled.

Sound controlling? No, just keeping her sanity against HIS control. Now, this order was over 30 years ago and in the US. No idea if such a specific order would be written today. But it just goes to show that not everything that appears to be 'controlling' really is.

So, just put yourself and DC first, as you are doing. What your stbx wants or thinks is irrelevant. Be guided by your solicitor as to what is reasonable or not.

I really think it’s not in your best interests to
keep facilitating his behaviour in this way Op. He’s not going to feel the consequences of his actions if you keep stepping in to bridge the gap. What did you think was going to happen if you don’t buy the mattresses? That’s his job, it’s his house and his responsibility to make sure it’s appropriate. If he hadn’t bought them then that would have counted against them when it comes to the parenting agreement. He would not have left them to sleep on a bed frame and you would have been perfectly within your rights not to send them if so. Again, written via email so it’s all recorded.

You are being far too nice at the detriment of yourself. That money could have been used for you and your children to do something nice together or for you to book a massage or a therapy appointment. Prioritising your children also looks like prioritising yourself. Centering your husbands desires and wants is a waste of time. He needs to feel the consequences of his own behaviour and you need to focus solely on yourself.

I’d also just assume that anything your husband says going forward is rubbish. You’re controlling, oh well. You’re this or that, oh well. His opinion of you no longer matters. He’s shown his values as a man and as a father and as a husband. He has been found to be very much wanting. We don’t have to respect or listen to the views of people with no values.

You really are worth 10 of him in class and decency. Your children are so lucky to have you.

I can see why OP felt the need to step in and buy the mattresses.

@mummy917
There comes a point, after the initial move and when the dust has settled, say after he has spent two nights in his new place, when you have to wash your hands of what is or is not happening at his place. Hard as it is, you have to leave it all up to him.
He has to feel the full impact of his 50%, in time and money.

That is why you have to be so clear about not taking back the laundry for the DC created at his place - he has to do it at his place.
Likewise, he buys them toothbrushes and everything else they need. He is not having them for casual sleep-overs, he has to set up a whole second home for them, so they should not be going back and forward with a bag packed.
They go in the (cheap) clothes they are standing up in, plus perhaps one favourite teddy.
You may need to spell this out to him.

After the initial split, you each buy DC clothes for your own homes.

I'd stop doing things for him, even if it's for the children.

He needs to literally do his half of the 50/50 ... not you doing half his 50 on top of your own.

I can see why you're doing things Op.

You want it to be as easy a possible for your kids.

Sorting clothes & buying mattresses won't really figure though if he actually has the kids 50% & he's doing everything for himself & 4 kids.

Oh OP I know you mean well but you really do need to prioritise yourself and your children. So he doesn’t have mattresses - well no, he spent him money on a tattoo didn’t he? At most I would have said he can have 2 of the existing mattresses then it is a fair split of existing goods (and bought 2 new ones for me). You then ‘helpfully’ suggested a solution of the children staying sleeping with you in the meantime, giving him a golden opportunity to call you controlling again. Sorting his problems, even as they relate to your children, is not your job anymore! I think the appropriate response to his mattress dilemma would be a non-judgemental ‘oh’ (nothing to do with you, no reason to comment.) At most it would be - ‘what do you intend to do about it?’

The accusations that you are “controlling “ are simply a kind of childish misdirection—like a toddler wailing “you are mean” when you say it’s bedtime. He thinks its a magic word of power that forces you to back down.

Absolutely. It’s often a male response to a woman asking him to behave decently and/or honour his responsibilities. It’s just a put-down, in the same way that Victorian women were labelled ‘hysterical’ if they got annoyed.

I’d forgotten about the tattoo. That makes it even worse OP. He’s literally spending his money on going out with his ‘mates’ until the early hours and getting a tattoo and you’re funding mattresses etc… It’s not at all unkind to set some boundaries OP, it’s actually the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.

I know and I expected to have mixed opinions about me buying the mattresses, especially with him getting a tattoo a week ago.

I am doing my best to get into the mindset you are all saying I should be in, however sorting his mess out seems to just be force of habit but one I know I need to break.

Oh, I totally get that!! It's a hard habit to break. You have to consider everything they say and your reaction to it very carefully before you take any action.

I'm still fighting my own habit of sorting out my esDH's issues. But I'm finally realizing that he needs to understand that actions (or the lack thereof) have consequences. He has a recent DUI conviction and has received his probation conditions. I have to fight with everything in me NOT to take over and make all the arrangements for him to meet those conditions. The result of my not doing it will be him going to jail. But it's the right thing to do. Just like the right thing for you to do is to stop facilitating his 'new life'.

Its good that you recognize this as an important task for you. It will make it so much easier to rework your programming and consciously decide to stop over functioning for him. Because you have always had to do that do its very familiar. The more he took financially (the tattoos, the hobbies) the harder you worked so it had no impact on the children. But all that means is that he thinks he is entitled to have you solve his problems for him.

OF COURSE he could have bought the mattresses. He could have bought them on the never never or borrowed the money from family or friends.

In the future he will have to work extra to pay for his children while they are with him, or cit his own expenses. When you step in to fix it for him he doesn’t learn how to manage for himself. He is literally stealing from you to pay his debt to his children.

And in a way you end up in a situation which will feel like colluding with him to prevent the children from knowing what a shit father he is. You can’t and shouldn’t do that. It will eventually come back to bite you. I am sure ghat you are a great parent and always keep your word to your children. He isn’t snd wont. But you can’t protect them from this knowledge. They have to be able to trust you and covering his default s will end up spoiling their trust in you more than it will help them with him.

Alternatively consider the buying of mattresses (and the associated receipt plus screen shots of ‘I can’t afford / I’m too incompetent etc messages) as an expensive piece evidence for the forthcoming custody battle folder and move on. It also shows your continued commitment to the kids in difficult circumstances.

Just don’t fix anything else for him.

I won’t be. There’s nothing else I can think that they will need at his house that would be classed as a necessity. He doesn’t have a fridge yet but won’t be taking the kids to his house next weekend anyway.

You could tell him you have paid for the mattresses so the dc have somewhere to sleep but you fully expect him to pay you back asap.

I think I’ll have the conversation with him when he’s home later. I can imagine it’ll go down like a lead balloon but I know what you’re all saying is right.

I think you are wise to let him try and fail at 50/50.

Keep a very factual log of when he doesn't keep his half of the deal in terms of time with the kids, but also in terms of spending, letting the kids down with clean clothes or things they need etc.

Have you both decided what the 50/50 will look like in terms of pattern/days? Get something agreed. Ideally the same days each week is easier for the kids to get used to as well as easier for any potential childcare fees.

I'd say do it via text or email "so the kids don't overhear us" but also so it's in writing.

I can see why you bought the mattresses but I don't think you should buy anything else.

I personally think that your visit to the solicitors unsettled him and so he's steaming ahead with the moving out, and the insisting on 50/50 and saying you're controlling in the hope of getting you feeling vulnerable and unsettled again.

Oh and also while you are agreeing on things in advance of him moving out, I'd suggest both agreeing that swaps should only be for severe illness or major events (funeral, wedding, gran's 60th bday bash, that kind of thing) not because he fancies meeting his mate at the pub instead or can't be arsed.

Yeah we have a set schedule set out where we do 3 nights one week and 4 the next. The days will be consistent every week and amongst that is us both having them every other weekend.

No I won’t be buying anything else and will take advice around putting more in texts so it’s in writing.

We both have things booked for later in the year that have been booked for months already. My friend’s 30th is in November and we are going away for a few nights and he is going to a concert that month too, so flexibility has been discussed for things like that also. We had booked a holiday in August too with my parents, only a UK break for 5 nights so now it’s obviously me taking the kids on that so we will work something out for that time as well.

Hi @mummy917 , me again!

Don't say "so what if I'm controlling ", because that sounds like you're agreeing that you are.

Instead say something like "I'm not controlling, and you calling me that doesn't make it true".

💐

Definitely do this OP.

You’ve phrased it perfectly as that’s exactly how I feel. Just because he says it, it doesn’t make it true. Maybe if I’d been more assertive throughout, I’d not be in this situation now.

@mummy917

Could you keep the new mattresses for the beds you have and tell him he can take the 'old' mattresses? May sound silly, but perhaps it might make it feel like you did something for the DC for your own home, rather than his new one.