Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

I suppose time will tell. I’m more than happy for every other weekend if that’s what he ends up doing. Time with the kids is my main priority 😊

You know its ok even if your motives were to make him suffer? He unilaterally ended the marriage. He doesn’t even pretend to take your needs or the children’s needs into account. You don’t have to say this out loud but inside you are entitled to say “”fuck you I do what is best for ME and my children now. My decisions benefit us not you.” You don’t have to live the rest of your life as a martyred mummy who strives to make sure everyone elses needs get met but her own.

I don’t feel like martyred mum, I just genuinely don’t feel the anger that strongly yet, maybe I’ll start thinking like that when it does hit me fully 🤣

At the moment I’m only interested in making sure the kids are as okay as they can be. I’ll do my crying etc when they’re asleep/at school and nursery.

@mummy917

I’ve bought him Father’s Day presents so will probably get the kids to give him them the following week.

Why? I know it's probably just habit, but I'd make this the last year I did this. 'Celebrating' his special days is no longer your responsibility. I'm pretty sure he won't be celebrating yours.

Personally, I'd return the gifts, put them on a high shelf if there's someone else you think would like them, or donate them to charity. It's not being spiteful. It's part of the severing of your 'joint life' and the beginning of your new one.

Begin as you mean to go on.

Sorry that was poor word choice on my part! I did not mean to imply you were acting like a martyred. Just to say that women are trained to have a pavlovian response to accusations that they are acting out of self interest, with money on their mind, for their own benefit. Men absolutely assume its their right to do so—thats why CMS is so incredibly low. Women are expected to scrupulously sacrifice to get their children clothed and fed. Men are not. Once he moves out it will be a battle to even get himto acknowledge the monetary cost of children. You on the other hand will jump to avoid accusations that you are spending money on yourself or that you have needs that need to be met.

I guess what Im saying is that men and so iety treat women as selfish and weaponize our reasonable expectations that our needs are also to be prioritized. You don’t have to defend your demands as being for the children’s sake—even if they are—you are entitled to stand up for yourself, on your own behalf.

Yes I definitely agree with this! He will be praised highly for wanting 50/50 and sticking to some sort of contact with his own children 🤣

I did buy the Father’s Day presents because it’s something I’ve always done and I have always liked doing it. Will see what happens come next Mother’s Day.

OP when I split with my ex we had a discussion about gifts from the kids for things like mother's day, fathers day, our birthdays, Xmas etc. We both agreed we would support the kids in getting each other a small, nice gift up to £20 and we have both stuck to this.

Perhaps ask him if he'd like to do an arrangement like this. If he does, great. If he doesn't stick to it, you stop to and just encourage the kids to make him a card and draw him a picture.

I don't think he will stick to a true 50/50 co-parenting either but like you say, time will tell. And more time with the kids for you if that's how it ends up is probably better anyway. But you are right agreeing to it and seeing how it pans out.

Make sure 50/50 includes true split though eg on that parents time they are responsible for school runs, childcare fees, food and clothes, etc. plus doing 50% of appointments, homework, reading, etc.

I really wouldn't bother with the father's day gift this year. Shove them in the cupboard and get them out for Christmas or whatever.

I think I will ask him about an arrangement going forward where we spend a certain amount on presents for occasions like that.

All I can do at the moment is give him the benefit of the doubt where the 50/50 is concerned and keep a log if or when he doesn’t stick to what’s been agreed. We have both agreed to split everything the kids need equally financially too, which again I need to give him the benefit of the doubt for once he moves out.

I know not everyone will agree with that, but if it blows up in my face then at least I can say I tried my best to be fair to him and I’ll deal with how to move forwards from there, at that point.

OP you are very level headed, dignified and sound absolutely lovely. He doesn't deserve you. You should be proud of yourself. I pray that one day he looks back and feels nothing but shame and regret at how he has treated his family... and that you look back and see him leaving as the biggest gift he could've given you. Sending love, hugs and strength to you.

It's very kind of you to want to do things that way OP but honestly I think it's easier to have an official arrangement in place right from the start. It means that you don't have to go through the stage of arguing about him not doing his part and then getting a court order later down the line.

Thank you, that really does mean a lot 😊

If he didn’t realise what a loving family he had when he had it, then I don’t want him to realise in the future. I know that might sound harsh, but I was always grateful to have him and the kids, so if he wasn’t, then he has already done us all that favour xx

If you don’t think 50:50 is in the kids best interests then just say that to him. Better in writing because then it is on record. Just because he asks for something doesn’t mean he gets it. You also get to ask for whatever you want and what you think would be best too. You have been conditioned to put up with his shit but you really really don’t have to.

I agree with this poster. If you know, or suspect, that 50/50 is not something he will manage in good faith then fight your corner because clawing back from a bad first arrangement is going to be more difficult than starting with a fight for a good one.

Your experience of how he will handle the financial and other issues ariund the children has already begun. You have a ton of information already. He will spend miney on himself. He will take time for him. But he deeply resents you/your demands/your needs and that extends to the children when their needs conflict with his.

So whatever he asks for as a split of children and financial support he will eventually renegotiate or alter to further exploit you.

worrying about father’s day or gift giving is understandable but feels like rearranging deck chairs on the titanic. Plan on starting a new tradition so the children aren’t blindsided. Put money aside for your own gift and have a family friend help the children prepare it or make it a family event. He can do what he wants for father’s day. Its not only not your responsibility but money is going to be tight thanks to his choices and he is going to iseall such occasions to abuse you snyway. Don’t give him the chance to participate and you won’t be disappointed.

I understand what you’re all saying, but how do I actually turn around and say I don’t want him to have 50/50 as I don’t think he will stick to it? All it will do at this point is throw him back into saying that I’m trying to control him again etc. I feel as though I’m in a no win situation, but if he doesn’t keep to the arrangement, then at least I’ve got proof that he can’t or won’t stick to it.

I’m for not facilitating gifts either. Support your DCs in drawing a card for him. I bet my house on him not being as pleasant re: Mother’s Day. His actions thus far have shown you this behaviour pattern.

Please don't let his accusations of you being controlling, force you into trying to be "fair" all the time. He's not in any way a 50/50 parent and he isn't going to become one. It's only about avoiding paying child maintenance for him. I would say, if your solicitor's in agreement, to start with a 70/30 split with the children, with potential to get to 50/50 when he's actively parenting. It's not about what suits his wallet best. It's about what's best for your children. He simply won't do it. He's already completely taking the piss as a parent. Does he realise he's responsible for school/nursery runs and costs on his days? You are bloody amazing by the way. You've come so far since you first posted.

The accusations that you are “controlling “ are simply a kind of childish misdirection—like a toddler wailing “you are mean” when you say it’s bedtime. He thinks its a magic word of power that forces you to back down.

The quickest way to end his use of it and the reign of terror it imposes on you is to point and laugh.

Him (angrily) “ you are controlling!”

You: “so what?”

Him (more loudly) “ You are trying to control me!!”

You (even more indifferently) “wahh! Wahh! I don’t give a fuck about your feelings.”

I think you are doing fantastically OP.

Handling it all with grace and grit! You sound like a lovely person.

Hi @mummy917

Firstly, you are doing so well with how you are dealing with all of this.
It's obvious your kids are front and centre for you, ie the most important people in all of this.
It's equally obvious that they are NOT the most important for your H.

Any attempts by you to get him to centre the children, HIS children, is met by the "you're trying to control me!" response.

He will continue to use it because:
a) it works, ie you back down from whatever you're asking of him, or now you don't even raise whatever it is with him in the first place because you anticipate he will respond this way;
b) he is inherently selfish;
c) he doesn't really understand what is involved in the full care of your children because he's never had to do it.

Does it bother you that he accuses you of being controlling?
I get the feeling that it taps into feelings you've had over past disagreements and you're uncomfortable with that feeling.

Perhaps you need to reframe this accusation as him responding unreasonably and angrily to a reasonable request or suggestion - the 'fault' lies with him, not with you.

Work out a standard reply, something like 'you may call it controlling, but it is actually me just trying to reach an agreement with you concerning an aspect of our children's care'.
If he continues to rant about 'control' just tell him you'll talk to him about it later, when he's calmed down, and walk away.

Honestly, why do you even care if he calls you controlling? You know you're not.
If you felt like it, there's probably plenty of nasty things you could call him.
But it's not worth the energy.
It doesn't matter what he calls you, it only matters what happens going forward re your kids.
You have to get the best deal you can, for your children's sake. That includes appropriate CMS.

Are you still keeping notes in your diary about what is actually happening at the moment re parenting split?

I hope so because that is your evidence that he already isn't doing 50:50 and you live in the same house!
So doing the school run in the morning for example should be easy.
After he moves out it will be much more difficult because it will ALL be down to him.

Talk to your solicitor re the care split. As a PP said, try to get a realistic split agreed now, even if it involves a fight, because it will be much harder down the road.

I know he told you he hadn't been doing a 50:50 split because he needed "head space" re what was happening.
The break up was his decision.
You'd hope he gave it quite considerable 'head space' before choosing to break up his children's home.
If anyone has needed 'head space' over the last couple of months it's you.
It's just another of his excuses.

Good luck, @mummy917 , keep going, you're nearly there...

Do you need the CMS or are you financially OK on your own?

If you don't need it immediately, have a firm deadline in mind for how long you will let him dick about pretending to do 50/50 and failing.
One month after he moves out? Two months? Ask your solicitor for advice as to at what stage and when you should put in for a court order for him to have them every other weekend, maximum.
Your meticulous records will support your case.
Especially when he calls you for 'favours' such as dropping off and collecting DC because his work is interfering with his attempts at parenting.

Alternatively, if his mum steps in then you may end up with an ongoing 50/50 as a permanent arrangement as he will lean on her to support his work and fill the gaps. If that happens, there is nothing you can do about it.

They will always be front and centre for me, I couldn’t imagine being any other way 😊

I think him calling me controlling again, sends me back into that dark place of when he first used it as the reason to say he was unsure about our marriage and I was then kept in limbo for a good 6 weeks while he “made his decision”. I associate it with that but I know I’m not actually controlling and he just never respected me or had any consideration for anyone other than himself. I hope in time it won’t make me feel the way it still does now.

Yes I’ve got notes both in my phone and on paper of when he’s not stepped up to the mark while he’s still been living here.

I have very little time for head space at the moment, he’s been busy all day today sorting out stuff for his new house which is absolutely fair enough, but I’m popping out soon for a coffee with my friend and then I’ll come back in time for him to go to the gym for his head space.

I wish I had it in me to say “so what if I’m controlling”, however I feel like I’d need to be much more angry before that would come out. Plus I’m always very aware that the kids are around 99% of the time he is too.

Again thank you all for your lovely words and advice, I’d have been lost without this thread. I am finally starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel now though xx

I think this is the right approach - let him try 50/50 and fail.

Don't pack clothes to go with them to his place, he should be providing clothes and doing laundry.
Let them take a few precious toys back and forth, but mainly he should be providing toys too.
You may need to start by sorting out all clothes and toys and letting him take half of what they already have. After that it is up to him.

If he sends them back to you with a bag of laundry, leave it untouched and send it back again next time, or drop it on his doorstep.
Never let any of the 'good' clothes go to his place, send them wearing simple leggings and t-shirts, plus hoodies as needed.

Has he actually moved out yet?

Has he set up beds for them at his place?

I just think I have to let him try, for the kids’ sake also, as the oldest two will be devastated when he does move out next weekend. It’s a week today he’s moving out. He’s been to sort out a washing machine and microwave today and the kids’ mattresses were delivered to my house this morning. I know I’ll be judged for it but I’ve bought the mattresses for the kids as he said he didn’t have the money, and I couldn’t see them go without an essential such as that. I did say they could just continue sleeping here overnight until he got mattresses sorted but he said that was me trying to go against 50/50 🙄

Funny you should mention the kids’ clothes; I’ve actually sat and sorted through their clothes this afternoon and have filled a charity bag with stuff that is too small/not weather appropriate. I bought them a load of new stuff last weekend and that’s kitted them out for over summer and in the next size up. We did pay half each for everything I bought last weekend. I’ve sorted out a small pile of clothes for his house as well as 2 pairs of pyjamas for each child, until he gets sorted properly. Again, this is purely so the kids don’t go without anything.

He has 4 bed frames stored in the shed here until he moves next weekend; 3 were given to him from one of my friends from work as she was getting rid of them and he’s bought the other one. The only big item he needs now is a fridge freezer so I feel like progress is definitely being made xx

You are doing great. So on-the-ball! 😍

Let him take half of everything - not just a small pile. Then he has absolutely no grounds to be sending clothes or laundry back and forth.
Same for toys - half of everything. Give him no reason to accuse you of not being fair.
Plus it will help the DC settle over there to have their familiar toys around.

Edited to add, if they miss a particular toy, buy duplicates for each house.