Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Things have been frosty between me and my husband over the last few days but I think me seeing a solicitor tomorrow is making him feel uneasy. He said he felt like it was “threatening” that I’m going to see one, even though he knows it’s to gain a better understanding of where I go from here and how things move forward. At the moment, it doesn’t seem to matter what I say or do, it’s never the right thing and he has said numerous times he feels as though I’m “attacking him”. All I’m trying to do is get some sort of order and normality back into mine and the kids’ lives after almost 3 months of uncertainty.

My ex hated me taking legal advice and actually suggested I went ahead without consulting a solicitor (even though he was getting plenty of legal advice ....... ).

He genuinely thought he could turn my life on its head, and that I would meekly agree to everything he wanted, and be pleasant about it in the process.

The OW was very much in evidence and I filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery. I named her in my petition (because you could, back then) and he hated that too!

So he’s now showing you the father he’s going to be when he moves out! He’s already detaching. Please log each and every one of these incidents where he makes excuses for why he can’t have the kids. It’s not about whether you can afford to support your children or not it’s about him financially supporting the children he chose to bring into the world. He can opt of being a loving father, but he can’t opt out of supporting them financially. He will go for 50-50 so he doesn’t have to pay, then renage on agreements when it’s his turn to look after them. You don’t know for sure whether he has an OW or not, but if he has, he’s not going to want 4 small children around when he wants his quality lovey-dovey time with her. Don’t let him off the hook for the sake of peace now.

Of course he is busy fathers day 🙄, as others have said he is showing you exactly the dad he will be. If he says he wants 50/50 but doesn't do anywhere near make sure you have it logged and discuss maintenance asap! Hell, I would be calling him out on it now.

I wouldn’t call him out at this stage. I would let him have enough rope to hang himself! Keep quiet, share nothing and prepare yourself for court. As others have said, he can be absent if he wants but he can’t opt out of paying.

Oh wow, he's trying to mess with your head as you do a 'strong action' (ie seeing the solicitor), he's trying to weaken you again. Utter b@stard. What an attempt at power play. He's feeling like he's losing control of you so he pulls this stunt.

Please put on your best show of strength.

So he's not going to want the kids at his new abode on Father's Day? I bet that will be your fault too. And gives you less time to prepare them about him moving out.

I feel his motives are more around money.

It should be yours too, to some extent. If he goes on to have another family, as so many cheating shit stains do, he'll almost certainly ditch your kids financially. And/or he'll worm and squirm to pay as little CMS as he can. He won't be paying uni fees, he won't be paying for driving lessons, he won't be giving them pocket money, he won't be taking them on holiday. Go after everything you can get. Not for yourself, but for your children's futures.

I agree, it's a distinct possibility. My esDH (estranged DH) has lately being trying all sorts to get me to 'comply' with what he wants. Yesterday it was "I'm going to sell the house". Sure you are, Sweetpea, It's a jointly own home so good luck with that.

As far as your personal idiot, I wouldn't be so sure he will be moving out on Saturday if it's simply a tactic to rattle you. And if he is, he may be couch surfing until the end of the month if he has a signed lease starting 1 July.

As far as feeling sad, remember that ALL emotions are permitted. Feel them, let them roll over you. Just try not to linger with them too long. And remember, if/when he does leave keep your dignity. No emotions, no tears. Let him walk out the door with a calm expression on your face and no remarks. You will be glad you did. He wants you to be distraught, his ego will feed on it. Don't give that to him. Keep reminding yourself that there will be time for tears later, after the DC are asleep. Personally, I've always favoured snot-filled sobbing in the shower. Saves on tissues and red eyes can be explained away by "I got soap in my eyes".

You've got this, you really have. You have been amazingly strong.

ETA Good luck today with the solicitor. I'm 8 hrs behind you so it may well have already happened. If it did I hope you got lots of good information.

I have just read this thread and honestly what a wonderful woman and mum you are.
What a shell of a man - just popping out to see his mum? Honestly.
He was a selfish git with you and if there is an OW then he will be no different with her. He may put on a show for a while but as he’s so selfish he has no idea what’s about hit him.
I know it’s get tough for you but I bet your kids adore you.
And you’ve done nothing wrong. You haven’t been controlling at all so please don’t take that on.

Absolutely this!

Omg op can he sink any lower like others have said he trying to mess with your head your sadness is to be expected you can’t just switch off but if it was me I would be texting back great that’s a relief onwards and upwards as they say even when your heart is breaking don’t give him a glimpse of this. He’s been controlling everything since he decided to move on. Just remember you didn’t choose this he is weak man who can’t even be grown up about his marriage. You just concentrate on your side of things and you can grieve properly once he’s gone make sure he’s doesn’t keep the keys or change the locks. Don’t let him treat you like a fool. You have proven you’re not it’s him he’s a stupid fucking cunt bastard etc.

I agree, cry in the shower or alone in the car (a car cry is my preference when I’m alone, music on and only strangers to see!) but do not let that piece of shit see how much he’s devastated you. Save that for private. Icy rock, he’s your lodger who’s moving out. Polite conversation, brush him off. Nothing will hurt him more and bring him down to earth faster than a total lack of traction from you.

Make sure you’re eating and hydrating, it’s hard to take care of yourself properly when your life is so stressful right now. One day, this will be the best thing that ever happened to you but it’s not going to feel like that for a while, feel all the feelings but just do so when he’s not there.

The solicitors went well and I got some good advice, I feel confident in going forwards and what I need to do.

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and words of wisdom, I appreciate them all more than you know!

He has gone out to his friend’s tonight and won’t be back until around 1am but has said moving date is still next Saturday.

I won’t be doing any crying around him if I can help it. I do think me holding it together for the majority of the time has thrown him off. I think he expected me to be an absolute wreck for months. Although I’ll be honest, I expected that too when this all started.

Hi op I’m glad your appointment went well he really is living his best life you wouldn’t even guess he had kids. Just keep going as you are and make sure you get some me time talk to friends it is really hard but there is no going back now. I really hope he pulls his weight with the kids. I’m surprised you haven’t found your anger yet. I feel my blood boil when I read your posts he’s bloody horrible. Does he discuss his plans to make sure you are home or is he just being me me me.

I feel as though he’s the only real loser in this situation as he’s missing out on so much time with the kids by being out most nights, especially when he’ll be living apart from them for half the time in just over a week anyway.

I have been angry a few times over the last month or so but I don’t think it will really kick in properly until he’s left. I’m on autopilot a bit at the minute because I know how much I’ve still got to get sorted over the next few weeks.

No, he mentioned on Monday that his friends had plans tonight and he was going to go, so I fully expected it to be a late one anyway 🙄

I am expecting this to hit me like a tonne of bricks over the coming weeks, especially the first time the kids are with him xx

It’s horrible for you op but things will get better and the first few times he has the kids go out distract yourself this is your time to grieve and process your feelings he might not even cope with 50/50 yet. Some people just don’t want the responsibility it’s going be hard on the kids and this is where you need to be strong for them. They don’t understand your pain they will just see it as their parents are not in the same home anymore. It’s sad for you all.

@mummy917

I won’t be doing any crying around him if I can help it. I do think me holding it together for the majority of the time has thrown him off

Of course it has! As I've always said they simultaneously want to leave without a fuss to make it easy on them to walk out AND see us as sobbing wrecks collapsed on the floor to feed their egos. Idiots!

I am expecting this to hit me like a tonne of bricks over the coming weeks, especially the first time the kids are with him xx

It probably will. But at least you're prepared for it. Although I was the one who left due to esDH's drunken behaviour it hit me about a month later. Married 38 years and all right down the tubes, I was a sobbing wreck for about two hours. Then I dried my eyes, gave myself a swift kick up the bum, squared my shoulders and kept on building my lovely new life. You will too.

OP you are doing amazing, I hope you can see that. You will find your way, I lent into deep cleaning and decluttering as I’d been in survival for so long… got back into reading, long walks and the gym too.

There is not a chance this man will do 50:50. He’s not going to give up his new found freedom.

Is there a plan for the school holidays and is he taking 3 and a bit weeks off work to cover his share?

You're doing so well and it's good that you are aware that there may well be a dip later on.
I was desperate for my exH to move out but when he did (over a weekend I was away with the kids) I remember being devastated by the sight of his empty wardrobe and shoe rack. It just really hit home that it was all over.
But I survived it and so will you xx

Well, 'refused to do Fathers' Day with the kids' is going to look just wonderful when you open your notebook in court. What an absolute div.

I haven't been through what you're going through but have been supporting my sister through her breakup.

It was hard for her the first time her ex had the kids and for a good few months after but it got easier as time went on and now she's out living her best life when she's child free.

Don't get me wrong, she still wishes she had the kids more but she's making the most of her free time.

You'll get there, I promise you will be okay ❤️

Thank you everyone, I do have times where I feel like I am doing well, then other times where I feel as if I’m watching this happening to someone else.

It’s reassuring to hear how well all of you and your loved ones have coped in these situations and hearing where you are all at now, out of the other side.

He said regarding Father’s Day that some of his furniture is being delivered that day 🙄 so I’ve said it’s absolutely fine, I’m going to take the kids out. I’ve bought him Father’s Day presents so will probably get the kids to give him them the following week.

Make sure you have something planned for when he has the kids- something you can’t usually do, like a long uninterrupted bath, or going out to a cafe for coffee and cake, with a book. Or a gym session or go surfing. Whatever rings your bells, so that you have a nice time even if other parts of the week are hard. Try not to back out, because your kids also need to see that you’re fine when they aren’t around- it’s ok to miss each other but not to wallow in that or let them feel any sense of guilt, or put them in a position where they feel they need to look after you. Also if he tries that on the kids, it’s ok for you to say to them that actually Daddy is fine, he’s out with Brian and Steve, and he’s looking forward to seeing you on Saturday.

My ex made our daughter’s life much harder when she was little by ensuring that he was always on the phone, always telling her how much he missed her and how sad he was when he had to say goodbye to her. (Words are easy, right? When we were together he was absolutely fine to let me do every bath and bedtime even if I had made plans, while he went out to see the OW and her kids. 👿 Anyway.) Now, she still ties herself in knots at times when he manipulates her but she also rolls her eyes and is quietly arranging matters so that she takes from him the things he’ll give, like lifts and new hoodies, but she comes to me for the rest- support and cuddle and help making things happen which are important to her but not to him. He’s let her see too often that she isn’t his priority, despite what he says to her.

oops this went long! Sorry. @mummy917 you’re doing brilliantly, much power to you 💪

I intend to use the time when he has the kids to do things for me, alongside working and doing jobs around the house that I can’t always get done with the kids around. I’m planning on looking at going back in July when my current fit note runs out.

I don’t doubt that he will be FaceTiming them but I want to keep it to a minimum, maybe just when they’re going to bed so he can say goodnight etc.

OP, I'm not convinced you'll have that much childfree time on your hands, I think that whilst he may TRY 50/50 for a few weeks in his new home, the reality will dawn quite quickly, and the future will be more like EOW (which obviously brings CMS payments).