Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Menchildren, that's who.

I will absolutely update the thread when I feel as though I’m out of the other side.

This is so lovely to hear that you met someone amazing and have a great life now 😊

Yes, the thought has crossed my mind about myself that I’ll be a single mum with 4 young children, I doubt that will appeal to many but I’m nowhere near ready to even think about that yet xx

Oh that’s awful but I’m so glad she’s at a point now where she can see the amazing life in front of her! She sounds like a strong woman 😊 xx

Thank you, what a lovely thing to say 😊

I am very much looking forward to the day when I feel as though he’s done me a favour and I am coming out of the other side xx

Hos expectations have been that he gets the picture perfect family to pick up and put down as suits and you’re the unpaid help thd keep if all running.

im sorry you’re signed off sick on antidepressants: the first rule of mental health when it’s going to shit is to looks at your environment - it’s pretty obvious what the blot in your landscape is.

He’s very likely cheating too I’m afraid.

Divorce him - he’s been using you for years and deflecting and making you feel bad when you’ve tried to address this and then blamed you for your reaction to his disrespect, disinterests, selfishness and lack of love and reciprocity.

Let him have the kids 50% of the time - all parenting split down the middle (because I guarantee he’ll go for 50/50 because he won’t want to pay child support)

Ensure you have the child benefit in your name as it’s the gateway to claiming child-related universal credit elements.

We spoke last night and I have told him that because he’s the one who wants the divorce then he can pay for it. He looked taken aback by it.

At this point I’d just like it done as soon as possible, so we are going to do the online divorce and get things for the kids and pensions put in writing with a solicitor.

He’s made it very clear he wants a life where I “don’t try and tell him what to do”. His words. When in actual fact all I’ve ever done is try to get him to prioritise his family more; something I don’t think I should’ve ever have had to say to him in the first place.

Yes the child benefit is in my name and yeah I do think he wants 50/50 because he doesn’t want to pay maintenance.

I also heard from my h that he doesn't me telling him what to do anymore
Like you, if I ever asked him to do or not do something (I know I've never told him!) It's because I was left to manage absolutely everything - the house, the kids, our social life, life admin and if I didn't ask for help or presence I wouldn't have got it!

Can he realistically manage 50/50? Without it making life worse for the children?

I don’t know how they can’t see the difference between being asked to prioritise their families and “being told what to do”. It’s ridiculous. I think they just like to say they’re being told what to do so they’ve got an excuse to act like an arsehole.

It will certainly be interesting to see if he does manage 50/50. If he doesn’t stick to it, does anyone know where that would leave me if we have a formal agreement? Would he then have to pay child maintenance? I’ll be asking the solicitor all of this anyway but it’d be nice to feel like I wasn’t going in completely blind.

Absolutely. Omg imagine the horror of being asked to honour your responsibilities?! Rather than doing as you please while your wife is crushed under the weight of them all. The solution? Run off and completely abandon your responsibilities on the premises that your wife is an unbearable control freak 🙄
Re the custody split. My solicitor advised it doesn't have to be formalised (though it can be). My H for example has agreed to eow weekend and occasion after school to after dinner. So he's going to pay maintenance on that basis but can take more.
It has to be realistic. My H for example works too far away to be back for pick ups and drops off on his office days which are changeable. And he travels frequently for work. So he can only reliably do weekends. Work on what he can do reliably and base cm on that. If you can keep it informal then he can always do more but get the cm based on only what is guaranteed

Yes, he can have his lovely 'freedom' and you just make sure you get every bit of money, help and comfort you're legally entitled to for you and the kids
Here's my prediction - you'll eventually meet someone who really loves and appreciates you and you'll be really happy and see that everything was for the best and things are better than they ever were.
And the ex will shit himself and want you back. 😏

Good for you!

Something I would suggest is that you draw up a list of pertinent times and information, like a blank map if the world, and tell him (!) he needs to know all this information to care for the children 50/50

Child’s name
DOB
Allergies
clothing size
Wake up/bedtime
favorite book
school or nursery address
head of school/nursery contact info
GP contact
Holiday schedule dates
pickup/drop off times weekly

If he is going to ask for 50/50 he should easily be able to fill that all in.

I feel at the moment that I’ll just be happy when the day comes that I feel like things have happened for the best, regardless of if I meet anyone else down the line or if I’m single forever 🤣

Thank you, making a note of all of these will be really helpful. These are the things I’ve always just sorted and it’ll feel strange that he is now going to be expected to do 50% of it, especially around GP/dentist appointments and school holiday dates.

I’m so sorry you feel blindsided but I really think he’s doing you a favour. He’s been having his cake and eating it for far too long, so for him to suggest otherwise is raising so many red flags it makes me think there is more to this than meets the eye 🤔See a solicitor straight away and make sure any custody arrangements include him having the children some weekends so he can finally step up and look after his own children!!!

As soon as you can it might be a good idea to shift communication to one of those apps—here its called Our Fsmily Wizard I think that lets divorced families manage communication civilly snd in a timely fashion. He will always push to just avoid or drop responsibility via text or even through the children “tell your mother I can’t do Friday” etc..) push for all communication to be formal and recorded so you have court ready proof.

@mummy917

I think an important thing about 50/50 is that since he won't be paying maintenance he needs to understand that he must provide everything at his house for the DC. So he'll need to purchase beds, linens, toys, clothing, school uniforms and sports kit, etc for them by himself. He also needs to understand that he will need to provide and pay for childcare during 'his time', same for any clubs or activities that take place during then.

So many of these jerks think that 'childcare' is always the mother's responsibility even if it falls during their time and that they can willy nilly take (or not return) clothes and toys. Other than a favourite 'lovey' toy which usually isn't something a child will do without, he can buy the things they want to have when they're with him. Two homes, two sets of belongings.

I’d be careful about putting fifty/fifty in writing. Speak to the solicitor privately and see how that would work if he doesn’t do his share. Might be worth it to just wait and see if he does his share and if he doesn’t, pursue him for child maintenance. Don’t know if that will be harder or easier if you’ve agreed to fifty/fifty on paper.

He has said that he is willing to pay for everything they need while they’re at his house, and he wants to avoid solicitors at all costs if he can due to money, however I’ve got the financial means to pay for one for my side of things.

I do think similar about the 50/50 as it probably would be easier to just get him to pay a shortfall in maintenance if he doesn’t stick to 50/50.

I will also look into that app as it sounds like something we may need at some point.

I would ideally like to file for divorce within the next week or so, however he has said it will need to be the end of June before he can afford it 🫠 I mean after all, his £400 tattoo has to take priority on Friday 🤣🤦‍♀️

Can you put the divorce fee on a credit card? The sooner you file the sooner you are done.

The thing with 50:50 is that it only really works if both parents have always been more or less equally involved. If you’re doing the bulk of the care you’re still doing the bulk of the actual parenting even when they are at the other parents. He is not going to change, he might feed them Pringles and let them watch YouTube but he is not going start filling in reading folders and checking for nits now.

There was a time where he was a brilliant, hands on dad. But it feels like when the twins were born, that changed sadly. I don’t know if the fact we went from 2-4 kids overwhelmed him, but he’s never redeemed himself since then to be honest.

I could put it on a credit card or just pay for it from my savings but I will admit that there is some pettiness in me that doesn’t see why I should, considering he wanted this.

But then I do think that I’ll get to the point of impatience where I just want things moving, so I will just pay for it.

Be very careful about delaying filing. A lot of decisions are based on income/assets 'at point of filing'. If you think there is any chance, even a teeny tiny one, that he may try to hide or spend assets, move money OR take a decrease in pay/take a lower paying job you need to file ASAP. I've known men to do all of that. So see that solicitor ASAP, like yesterday. Please don't expect him to 'play fair' or 'be nice'. His main consideration will be to keep as much as he can by any means possible. Yours should be to get a fair division of assets under the law.

Not to mention, you don't need his 'permission' or to consider him in any way when it comes to filing for divorce. So fuck his "it will need to be the end of June". You are no longer working to his timetable. You are working to your own. If you can afford to pay the filing fee and want file this week, go ahead and file. All financial and child-related considerations will be figured out at a later date. And if you do file now you can always withdraw the petition if you are advised to do so by a solicitor.

Do no pay it.

You can still request he leave, repeatedly, as you're doing, and tell him to file for divorce since that's what he wants. You won't contest it, but he has to file and pay for it.

He’s in for such a shock with 50/50childcare split. “Doesn’t want to pay maintenance” and more than likely doesn’t want to do the childcare either, just wants more tats and sex and freedom. Ah yes, but it doesn’t work like that, he’s soon to find out. Can’t create 4 kids and fuck off into the sunset. What a prize shit.

id file for divorce and then demand 50% back. It’s 50/50 after all!

Yeah telling him he has to file and pay for it because he wants this, is basically what I have said to him.

He thinks I’m being cruel when I tell him he will get a shock when he sees what 50% will actually look like, but I genuinely don’t think he realises what it entails. It’s all of the little things that I’ve always just done and has been part of my mental load, that he will struggle with.

I honestly think that at the minute, he can’t see past the fact he will have at least half the week to do as he pleases without anyone to so much as ask him a question about it.