Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Maybe not but a quick google search will tell you that nearly twice as many women are on antidepressants as men at some point in their life. What would be the surprise if it was because they are more likely left doing all the work and mental load for mr hubby the man-child and and are simultaneously told that their needs matter less and that they just have to knuckle down and bare it? “Here’s some Valium, get on with it like a good little housewife!”

Thank you again for all the responses 😊

I have given up trying to work out what are his real motivations for leaving but far too much has happened now for us to go back over and try again. I could never trust him again after everything he has put me and the kids through and I also don’t like this side of him he’s shown over the last 2 months.

I do keep having little wobbles, but then remind myself of the person he’s showing himself to be now, not the man I married or even who I was married to 6 months ago.

I do agree with a previous poster that he does seem months ahead of me and I think that’s because he has known for quite a while what he was planning to do.

Op you will get through this, he’s has been processing it long enough to go ice cold on you a man who cared and loved you once would still show you respect even for being the kids mum. Hopefully you can let it out in therapy and please make sure he doesn’t leave all childcare to you. Op you need your boundaries he chose to call it a day don’t let him choose everything else. Try to get out of an evening too even just for a walk or coffee put some set days in place because if he is with another woman you don’t want him having his cake and eating it. You need space as well.

Yeah I absolutely agree with you. At the start of all this he showed barely any interest in even trying to sort things out. I suggested marriage counselling etc but he flatly said “I don’t need that”, never a discussion for both of us to work on things together and in hindsight, I should’ve known then that his mind was made up, but I naively thought differently.

We are in the middle of a schedule where the kids are concerned while he’s still living in the family home, however let’s see if he sticks to it.

I have been thinking about my next steps such as returning to work in hopefully July as I want as much normality back in all of our lives as possible.

I am heading out to Starbucks drive thru tonight with my best friend and honestly am so looking forward to the head space xx

Op I’m glad your doing stuff with friends he is a joke this is why it sounds like another woman because you don’t just throw away a marriage because you’re not happy you try to fix it first then it’s ok we did try but it’s not going to work out. He is 100% thinking of only himself.

I don’t think I’ll ever get proof of another woman but it’s still beyond me that he is happily throwing away 13 years together without so much as a fight for it or any real effort made on his part xx

Maybe it’s a mid life crisis. Still wouldn’t explain or excuse how mean he is being though.

I hope at least having to tell the kids has caused him to have a bit of flippin humility and self reflection at least. You’d think seeing the hurt he’s caused his four year old would at least trigger some sense of guilt.

Shame on him OP. I hope one day he looks back with regret and feels utterly ashamed of himself. You're doing great. Things will get better, hang on in there. Sending hugs.

He seemed to feel guilty when she got so upset yesterday but I don’t think it’s made him have any sort of realisation about the way he’s behaved over the last 2 months. People keep saying to me about a midlife crisis and that when we are fully split, he will realise what he’s lost, but if he can’t see what he had in front of him already, I don’t want him to suddenly realise when it’s too late.

@mummy917 - no advice really but just wanted to add my voice to all the posters saying how awesome you sound. You sound like a terrific mum and strong and brave - having to tell your DCs that their father didn't want to be married to you any more, whilst keeping calm and looking after your DCs and their feelings. Wow.

You're doing so incredibly well. And you're right that it's kind of irrelevant if, at some point in the future, he comes to realise what he's lost and regrets it. As you say, he's done such incredible damage that you could never rebuild anyway and you really don't want to be bothered with his regrets in the future, when you're well on the mend and he's history anyway.

Have a lovely evening out with your best friend. Look after yourself as much as possible.

People keep saying to me about a midlife crisis and that when we are fully split, he will realise what he’s lost, but if he can’t see what he had in front of him already, I don’t want him to suddenly realise when it’s too late.

Absolutely! Please be strong if he pulls that stunt. My ExH and the OW went through a rocky patch 14mths after he left us for her. He was literally fishing to see if there was a way back. The f*cking arrogance of it still gets me. Obviously, I metaphorically slammed that door in his face.

You're worth more

but if he can’t see what he had in front of him already, I don’t want him to suddenly realise when it’s too late.

Good for you!

Surely he knows what he has & he has decided tat he know longer wants it?

I absolutely won’t be taking him back because I just can’t unsee the man he’s been during all of this.

Yeah he doesn’t want it anymore which is his choice and I’ve had to accept it, however I’m a firm believer in “the grass isn’t always greener”. Xx

Sending you my very best wishes. Such a hard situation and you are a queen. I promise you that you’ll be coming out of this stronger and more at peace then you’ve been for a long time. Your DH will soon realise that his choices have consequences. X

I really hope so, it’s hard to think I’ll ever see this as the best thing at the moment, but I hope I look back in a year and will see how far I’ll have came xx

I'm sure you will @mummy917

I got the proof on his form E disclosure. His bank statements were a grim record of cheap hotels and expensive jewellery. If I hadn’t called his bluff and filed the divorce application myself I might never have found out. It’s hard making sense in your head of the man you thought he was and the man he really is. You sound like you have some good friends around you though OP so I am sure it will all work out ok for you.

They love to project don't they? Mine accused me of having an affair and not be the father of the baby we planned and that I was pregnant with. The utter gall of him.
And I did the pick me dance! Before Mumsnet though or it would have been a whole lot of difference
(((hugs)))

I don’t want him to suddenly realise when it’s too late

In my experience, Life works its magic a bit more slowly like that. In retrospect, we don't suddenly have a clanger moment where our mistakes hit us full on in the face. We have little moments where we get a glimpse of how limited our view was, and that expands incrementally and S-L-O-W-L-Y until eventually we understand things better.

It's all part of growing, you can't protect him from the lessons he needs to learn.

You will - just give it time (and when you do, even if it’s in three years time, please come back and update your thread)!

I now see that the ExH leaving me for the OW was the biggest favour he ever did me. Let her manage the man child.

A few months after he left, I met a wonderful man and we’ve now been together 13 years. He’s brought up my children as his own while the ExH saw his kids for just four days a month, sometimes less.

Funnily enough, when I got together with my DP a mutual friend broke the news to my ExH. His actual words were ‘who’d want her, she’s got three children’ 🤣, completely overlooking that when he got with the OW he had a wife and three children 🙄

You absolutely will be able to see how he's done you a favour and how you found strength to get through the tough days. And I believe it will be sooner than later.

My sister has separated from her husband after discovering he was having an affair with a woman from the gym 🙄 she's about 10 months in and she can now see the amazing life that is in front of her with her gorgeous kids and without a vile manbaby holding her back. You will see that too OP ❤️💐

In the meantime, big hugs, love and strength to you 💐

Oh wow - lots of love and good wishes to your sister!

Thank you so much ❤️ She's honestly thriving without the man dragging her down.

Have only just read your initial post and nothing else but he sounds like a selfish tosser. Will read the thread now. x

Grr, it's not you, it's him. You're like superwoman holding everything together and he's off at football or staying out till 5am 😠 You'll be better off without him and his gaslighting and you will get through it and probably eventually meet someone who deserves you!