Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

OP, his “audacity” of accusing you of cheating is another piece of the script.

He is projecting his own cheating behaviour onto you and also in DARVO territory: “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender”. He’s the cheater and so he’s reversing that.

It’s yet more evidence that there is another woman.

Keep this thread and keep the evidence

Well done op! The anger can definitely help.
It's so hard telling the kids but it is better once it's done and I'm glad you told them it's his choice, it's better all around not to gloss over root of it.
Do get onto the therapy. If you get a good one they are a good one. I've been seeing mine since a year before rhe first affair (which happened in 2024). She doesn't mince her words with me anymore. She told me today he's just not up to the effort required of being a husband and present dad and if I look back at the evidence I'll see that's clear from the beginning (she is right!) And is great at focusing me on all the reasons I can do much better without him 🤣

Yes! And that deep down so many men are opportunist scum x

I think it was a joke. And the thought of this man having to actually be a proper parent did make me smile. I'm sure the PP didn't actually mean it tho.

Yup. I am on meds. Never needed them in my life before I was married to HIM.

Exactly!!!!

And he can’t have a tattoo done any time?

OP you need to really listen to his words and what he’s saying. He’s saying his time is more precious than yours and sees you as the default parent. Until he moves out, get a large calendar on the wall and block out which days are yours and which days are his, split 50-50. You do NOT need to explain to him what you are doing on your ‘days off’, if he asks tell him it’s no longer any of his business. Your free time is your free time to do with what you will. Any other non-allocated time is negotiable. When I went through this with my ex the rules were, if you have things planned you get it on the calendar as soon as possible. We were open to trading days as long as it was fair. It worked for us. And as other PP’s say document everything when he reneges on any agreements made. We found texting and emailing even if we were still in the same house worked for us, it took the emotion and heat out of face-to-face interaction and you have proof of what you agreed.

Grey rock him as much as possible now OP, he is not your friend and hasn’t been for some while. He has been planning this behind your back as if you were his enemy. He’s now your adversary as hard as that is to stomach. That was of his making. You owe him nothing.

I agree with all of the above. He is not your friend and he emotionally checked out of the relationship a long time ago by the sounds of things OP, otherwise how could he have moved on without a backward glance.

This is what destroys many of us women. We give everything, EVERYTHING, to the point it takes our health or our nervous system crashing, or both and in the meantime, they didn't bother to tell us they'd called time on everything.

No, they were just turning up, going through the motions because it was comfortable, there was a roof, a meal, some washing done, the kids looked after and a shag from time to time.

Fuckers. So many of them are complete and utter fuckers.

generally No you can’t have a tattoo done at any time no, it needs to be booked well in advance.

Oh bless your DD, it's so hard on the children. Good that you've pre-warned the school and nursery. My eldest DD was just 6 when ExH decided our marriage was over (it was literally a couple of days after her birthday). She took it the worst and cried a lot at school and would try to hide under her desk. Obviously, the 14-week-old wasn't affected, but the 2-year-old became fixated with the 'Stickman' book. Took me a while to realise that it was because the Stickman came home at Christmas.😢

This may sound strange, but I'm so glad you've found your anger OP. You go girl!

I appreciate it feels dreadful now, but this is the start of you getting your life back. It's so much easier parenting without a manchild to also look after. I can guarantee you that in six months you would not entertain having this manchild back, even if he apologised, begged and was in possession of a jackpot-winning Euromillions ticket.

Good luck OP - you've got this x

He continues to deny another woman and had the audacity to accuse me when he came home today, because some of my male colleagues have messaged me to check in as I’m off on sick leave.

Hmm, they often accuse of what they are doing!

Anyway, he doesn't want to be with you anymore so what you do or don't do is none of his business.

My ex husband who left me for someone else got the hump when he found out I had had a couple of one night stands🙄

he’s yet another selfish arsehole, long-term you’re better off without him - even though i know it won’t feel like it at the moment

Was just saying the other day on a thread that depression meds seems to be being prescribed for LIFE issues. That could be resolved. I mean I get that doctors can’t be like “sounds like your husbands a cunt and your job sucks so leave them and if you still have depression in a year come back and I’ll consider medication then” … but…they should. They’re creating a generation of people reliant on medication. And the manosphere likes to pop off about how lots of women are medicated. Yeah! Becuase of shitty bloody men! And weak willed, under the thumb doctors that tell people what they want to hear instead of the truth.

Too many of us putting up and shutting up and when we inevitably get sick we think it is something wrong with us. Is it buggary.

I agree, he's rewriting the script....mine did the same, told me I was an abuser and that I'd been verbaly abusive during our decade long relationship. There was anothee woman....

He's cheating, and saying hurtful things about you is just balm to his guilty conscience. He doesn't help at all now, or spend much time with you, so you have nothing to lose. In fact you would gain a lot from not having his whining, guilt ridden conscience telling you how terrible you are. You've a lot to gain if you just said 'ok I agree' good luck, stay strong

I hope he tells his friends and family why he's leaving, they'll laugh him out of town, sadly it's more likely he'll tell them his
'version of events'

What, ones you'd had after he left you? WTF? What was his justification for THAT??

I'm not legally divorced yet, we've been separated for years, but I make out to STBXH that I've been single ever since we split. No way am I risking a reaction. Truth is, I've had some seriously amazing nights. 🤭

You don't know what you're talking about.

This is so true 👏👏

I wonder how much research has been done on the number of women who’re medicated simply to cope with the mess abusive, irresponsible, cheating men have left them in.

He's months ahead of you op, that's why he appears to be coping better, he's been planning this for months. Actually saying the words out loud to you was the end of his plan not the start, one day you will be mentally strong again, just keep focussing on that day

Great post.

I wish women would start to see that the kind of liberal, 'any choice a woman makes is a feminist choice'/ be kind / girl boss non-feminism is how the patriarchy has co-opted what it (quite correctly) perceived as a threat and sold it back to women entirely de-fanged. Expanding consumer capitalism, it's BFF, with some added 'self-care products' at the same time.

It's fucking enraging.

You absolutely should be feeling this way, your feelings are perfectly valid, grief can arise from many things including 'loss of a cherished ideal' which is exactly what you are experiencing op, the loss of the life you dreamt of with your husband and family. You will have days where grief overwhelms you, and days where you feel much stronger, the latter will gradually outnumber the former until one day you feel back to normal.
My niece was an elite marathon runner and she advises anyone starting out to just repeat ' one step, then another, then another,' don't think of the whole race just the next step.😘

I don't think he wants to leave you.tbh, i think he's just determined to make his life as easy as possible and is pushing you to accept worse and worse behaviour for fear of him being gone for good.

As soon as he's off the tenancy and living with mum, he will either beg to come home (if its easier for him) or drop off the face of the earth.

He isn't interested in being a dad and he has proven he will break the kids hearts by telling them you're breaking up just to manipulate you into begging for his scraps.

Disgraceful. I hope you can now feel confident that he has well and truly crossed the line by dragging the kids into his mind games.

It does seem like either he’s fluffed it with the other woman or like pp said, he doesn’t intend to leave and this is all one big scam to get you under heel.

He’ll get a nice surprise when that backfires either way.

And when and if a new woman shows up, be sure to act all pally at any social occasions and say something like “I’m so glad he is happy now, mind you, I’m just assuming that now, because I had no idea he was unhappy until X date, I mean, we were still sleeping together and everything. So, men huh! Who knows what’s going on in their heads!”.

And then mosey off somewhere else. Leaving her to put two and two together.

She’ll realise the lie he was selling her about you two “only being together for the kids” was a load of guff, check the dates, realise he was sleeping with you both at the same time, and he’ll be in for a treat. Because guarantee he’s lying to her right now, saying you guys are celebrate and have just been friends for years blah blah bullshit.