Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

I’ve been on Mumsnet many years off and on now and this thread, written by different posters is a weekly occurrence. At times it’s been daily. It’s always the script.

I’ve actually told my DP that after nearly 15 years together if he finds himself falling for someone else to just be honest and we’ll spilt amicably and remain respectful. If he decides to try and gaslight me with the script i’ll unleash the rage of my ancestors on him.

I completely agree. Set days are crucial - exactly as it will be when you live separately.

@mummy917 OP I know this sounds so stupid but please can I recommend the song Let it Flow by Toni Braxton. It's really empowering, although you might cry!

You sound like a wonderful mum and he sounds like a prick, you shouldn't have had to put up with him for so long to be honest. Better days are ahead for you, I'm sure of it.

Sorry op he’s an absolute twat. He needs to realise he still has kids. He is living as a single man and treating you like shit on his shoes he keeps calling all the shots. Do you have anywhere you can stay for a couple of days a week to leave him to parent and then he does the same. If you can’t do this you need to split your freedom days now so he gets used to lone parenting. Your home is not a hotel where he just shows up when it suits him. Get 3 days of freedom and then 4 alternate them you need your friends around you and he’s blocking you. He no longer has this right. Tell him to go fuck himself get angry op. He doesn’t deserve your respect or courtesy. Op I agree another woman. You are struggling because this twat doesn’t give a fuck about you it’s a head fuck at best. He keeps telling you what suits him going out, going for a tattoo so you are stuck in with kids. I would be seeing a solicitor asap take it out of any joint income you have he needs to go so you can grieve properly. Keep being strong op.

Sounds like he has thought of anyone but himself for the entire marriage.

OP you sound like an amazing person. You are a strong woman, you've done NOTHING wrong. You are worthy.

Work out set days. Financially separate. Start living your life, your way, on your days.

Make the time with your kids fun for them. There's plenty of free things to do for fun....
Playground trips, treasure/scavenger hunts, wild collages, I spy games when out & about, movie night at home, stories, building dens, and so on! Frame yourself as the wonderful mum you clearly are.

Fake it until you make it! Best of luck.

He's punishing you and your children don't let him. It will affect them and they will notice. This is abuse.

This. Absolutely.

@babyproblems I completely agree. Women are medicated to cope with the enormous burden life throws at them while men like OP's DH walk away and go off and get tattoos done to massage their ego, behaving like an 18 year old.

OP have a look at Esther Perel on TED about infidelity to understand more if you want but none of this is your fault:

You do so much for the family while he plays football, goes out drinking until 5am and has a lie in while you're up on weekends but doing nights during the week???

He's weaponised your anger against you, which is basically you getting angry because you don't feel supported and then he gets angry at your anger?

Talk about gaslighting you. He's a prize shit.

With regards to the tattoo booking it's time to find your anger OP which will come after the sadness and grief.

If it's your Friday, text him that it's your Friday and it's time to get used to alternating free days fairly. A booking can be rearranged. An alternating day of free time is vital to your mental health (you're on SSRIs for fucks sake) and he needs to prioritise your health because if you were to crumble and have a full on mental health breakdown, he'd have to step back in and look after the kids full time, there's be no tattoo bookings are trips to the gym or overnights anywhere. That's what happened to us and it was such a shocker for him to actually have to cope for a few weeks without me running the house and looking after the kids as I was in hospital!!

He doesn't know how lucky he is. You've tried so hard OP. He's a full on moronic piece of shit.

I don't have anything to add OP, other than a) I agree following up things up in writing and framing everything in the context of the children's interests and b) I hope the tattoo looks like shit

All of the above is excellent advice - great post.

@mummy917 read this post and screenshot it.

It’s time to start The Great Detachment. This man is only thinking of himself (and potentially his d*ck) and he is under the illusion that he can just walk away from all his responsibilities at the time of his choosing and convenience.

Show him that it does not work like that when kids are involved.

Tell your family / families what has happened so everyone knows that this is the choice he has made.

Cook for yourself and your kids and eat with them then clear up and leave him to his own devices. Wash and clean for yourself and your kids only. Don't ask him where he is, what time
he is coming home etc. He wants to be single so make him feel single.

Start having strong but calm conversations about housing arrangements, custody, any shared bills, disentangling any joint commitments - please be as cool and calm and detached as possible. The anti depressants helped me with this so much, I hope they do the same for you. By the way I came off them
when I moved out - easily. Just to let you know that it doesn’t have to be a long term / addictive thing.

Secondly, start building up your support network. These are the people you vent and cry to - that are NOT him. I hope you have supportive friends around you, otherwise you can vent here.

The last thing to say, in the wake of all the hurt and disbelief that he can just implode your family life like this, DO NOT DO THE PICK ME DANCE.

No more sex with him if he suggests it.

That door is now closed otherwise if you leave it open, that will trash your self esteem completely as you may misinterpret the sex as a sign of reconnection and you will be more hurt when it inevitably turns out that it in fact meant no such thing to him.

Don’t do it. Ask me how I know.

Go for your therapy and prioritise it.

You can get through this. He doesn’t deserve you. 💐

Start a new google calander and share it with him - put all the 50/50 dates in there!!! Moving forward put everyitng to do with kids/movement/clubs/where theya re staying etc in the calander.

He will resist at first but when he says "I hae XYZ" unless its in the calander it doesn't count.

make it very clear from the outset that he needs to cover 50% of all school holidays etc

Eventually the calander will help to minimise disputes and contact with him

Tell him to find somewhere else to live asap and you will be sharing custody 50/50 so you can have every other weekend off doing exactly what you'd like to do instead of making life easier for him. I completely agree with others he has another woman.

On the point about documenting things - a tip I read here many years ago was to buy an a4 diary for the purpose. Print off every email, and staple it on the relevant date. Write upcoming arrangements on the relevant dates and then, if they change, note that beside them, etc.

Start getting things in writing. If you have a conversation about arrangements, follow it up with an email just like you would in a business setting. This is business now. Be cool and professional in your texts and emails - everything is potentially evidence.

Don’t show him the diary - that’s for you, your solicitor and eventually a judge.

Sorry you're going through this. Some men position try to find any way to position themselves as the victim in order to relieve themselves of the guilt of leaving or having an affair. They also do it to control the narrative of what people will talk about your relationship when they leave, as they know people will talk.
They will position you as controlling just for asserting yourself and having objections to them carrying on with life as if they were single bachelors.

Don't fight it. Be calm and try not to get drawn into arguments. Keep focused on the practicalities of him moving and document everything.

This. So many men seem to want to paint themselves as a victim whilst want to play Disney Dad on a few weekends.

On the subject of telling the dc, it might be better to do it yourself where you can focus on what they need, rather than circling each other, particularly if you can’t depend on him to step up for them.

I’d also encourage you do tell them sooner rather than later, because then you can tell other people and start developing your support system. They need you to be strong, and it’s important to know when to put your needs to the forefront.

Girl he has cheated and/or created some serious secret financial problems. Bin.

Op sending huge love and support, ill be doing my own post soon as im going through very similar right now, keep strong xx some of the lovely replies have helped me i really hope your ok 🫂

👏

Wow thank you all so much for the replies, I’ve came back to loads more than I expected!

We have told the kids this afternoon and our 4 year old daughter has taken it the worst 💔

My heart is absolutely breaking for them all.

I found my anger when he waltzed back through the door at midday today and then he said I wasn’t thinking of the kids because I told him a few home truths about what needed to happen (not in front of the kids btw).

I have spoken to my landlord and she is drawing up a new tenancy with just my name on. I packed his bags and he has refused to leave still, but I will have that renewed tenancy agreement by Tuesday.

I have booked to see a solicitor on Monday and although I feel like telling the kids has made it feel even more real, I’m still feeling heartbroken. He continues to deny another woman and had the audacity to accuse me when he came home today, because some of my male colleagues have messaged me to check in as I’m off on sick leave.

I’m so sorry so many of us have gone through the same and that some are still going through it. You are all an amazing bunch of women who deserve the world xx

And men like Elon Musk and the manosphere wonder why women aren't having kids anymore...

could it be

1. the porn?
2. the infidelity?
3. the unfair level of household chores and life admin?
4. the financial disparity?
5. the gaslighting?

I'm sure there are many more reasons...

OP you have done amazingly. No surprise he has tried to reverse it on to you!

It's so hard when the little ones are upset and totally understandable your 4 yo is but I know you will be an amazing support and better that you are happy and also that they know age appropriately what is going on x

OP did you get some advice about how to tell the children? There are ways to handle it - even going online you could get some good words to use to help them understand it's not their fault. None of it is their fault. Children usually internalise the feeling of guilt and not being good enough when told a parent is leaving. It shatters their self-esteem.

"If I'd been more lovable, would Dad/Mum have stayed. There must be something wrong with me".

do talk to your therapist about the language to use to support them, it's really important.

Also, just because one child has cried but another hasn't, doesn't mean the other child hasn't been affected, it's just been processed differently. Please remember that. The pain and sadness will still be there but may come out differently and in a more delayed manner.

Yeah I’m mindful of it coming out later and in different ways for our eldest son who is 9. I pre-warned both the school and nursery that this was coming so they could also keep an eye on things.

We emphasised that it was nobody’s fault and we both love them very much. However we did say that daddy didn’t want to be married to mummy anymore and that’s the only reason he was going to move into his own house, and that sometimes these things happen.

I haven’t seen a therapist yet, my first appointment is Monday so I’ll speak to her about all of this then too.

I’ve seen books online that may help them understand better too and was considering ordering age appropriate ones for them.