Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Definitely has another woman, men don’t leave unless they have somewhere to land or someone to go to.
reframe your own self worth, go and see a solicitor and until you can get him out, agree how to co habit in an emotionally charged situation.

Was about to say just this - it’s identical to my friends husband who left her for another woman. you won’t be able to reason or reconcile this man to the one you used to know as he’s rewritten the past to suit his future.

OP, your husband has most likely met another woman and is not wishing to be seen as not the deceiving man he is, but someone who was treated poorly by you. I had the exact same happen to me. Young children and two marriages broken up but three years on, my children and I are happy and settled in a peaceful home. You will get through this but please don’t listen to a word he says about you.

Yes, ex husband painted our marriage breakdown as just something which happened and really it should have no impact on our two children. His happiness was paramount. This came from a man who talked about damaging 50/50 could be years before. Your husband has you knew him has gone and the quicker you realise that, the easier it will be for you and your family. Sending you support x

He sounds like he is finding family life too much hard works and wants to opt out by blaming you. Possibly already cheating.

I think the big challenge is that you are stuck in limbo with still being in the same house. What are his plans to find alternative housing?

Can you move to set schedule now for kids and put down some expectations around this. Eg. Dad Mon / Tues Mum Weds / Thurs and then eow? Parent responsible has to do all child related activities inc. food and cleaning. Won’t be perfect as bet he won’t clean up properly or do washing but it’ll be an improvement.

Will also give you a baseline of what he actually will do child care related etc.

ps, I’ve been where you are. My ex left out the blue, no discussion 10 months ago. The first thing he did was get a massive family tattoo (couldn’t afford to pay me what he owed me - but that’s another story!)

It's incredible the scenarios they dream up in their head about life after leaving. The children will accept, and embrace the new order. They will grow to love his new woman and all his friends will just be there.. It will be like it was but he will (finally) be happy, and everyone will understand.The reality is far different.

My children now tolerate him, but won't tolerate the other woman so they only see him when he arranges an event without her there. His friends quietly moved away from him. They didn't like what he did either. His new and exciting woman is deeply flawed and now he does all the cooking and cleaning while she is drunk or stoned. He is lonely, and alone. He lost his family, his friends and the lifestyle that he had developed over many years.

I never got angry. I went straight from distraught to meh. I kept waiting for the anger to hit but it never did. My children were old enough to make their own arrangements with him so I haven't seen him since he walked out the door, and I think that makes it easier

I'm getting better every day. It was a struggle and it took a long time, but the kindness and support of people was incredible and my children's unvarnished view of him and what happened really helped to wash away the gaslighting and the normalisation of his apalling behaviour. I have friends and a good life and I get to watch what I like on the TV! Never doubt that you'll get there - with scars, but you will find your new normal.

I’d do this tattoo morning, just get up and head out. Message him ‘this day worked best for friend and I thought it was your day with the kids so I’ve stuck to it.

Trouble is Op is a reasonable person who is also thinking of her kids.

But I don't see why his booked appointment which he told no one about is more important than Op's & her friend's time.

It just shows that he doesn't understand about considering others.

Maybe never has!

Sending you strength.

On a practical level, a family planner and a visibleweekly schedule might be useful. Everything that's happening, swimming lessons, visit to grandma's, tattoo, goes on the planner in the correct person's column. Then the weekly schedule on a board so everyone knows who is responsible, eg mum out, dad in charge of tea.

We've done this for years as a family and friends do similar. Once it's on the planner, it's booked and priority - which might take some negotiation at first but will also show who is taking the load.

Yep the script all over. He sounds like a dick

Oh God, the tattoo. My friend whose husband did the script on her came home one day with a massive tattoo across his back shortly before he left her.

Textbook cheater op.

Dont let him walk all over you.

I'm so sorry to hear this op. You won't ant to hear this as it will be rough, but the way he treats you and the kids is not something objectively you want in a relationship. Staying out till 5 am even occasionally unless it's planned is not showing respect for you. And the chances are 99% that he's cheating and found someone else. 3 of my friends have been through this recently and all the same pattern. Dragging up small negatives and blowing them up to justify why he wants to leave. You now need to face up to him wanting to leave , not be a doormat, not trying to be a different person and keep your standards high!! You are not difficult you expect better. You deserve better. Take your energy whilst off work ploughing it into how you will live alone. Show him no specific "how do we make this work " I will bend over backwards it will only result In him respecting you less. You can do this. He doesn't want to be a husband and father and he will cry long tears when he realises what he's thrown away. Always happens if a man goes after a skirt with no commitments etc. YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS !!

Give him full custody

Yes as weaponising your own kids and saying you don’t want them always works well.

Hi OP

Haven’t read all your posts. But really feel for you. I’m a lone parent. You’ll find strength you never thought you had and it’ll all be OK. But you must allow yourself time to grieve, like with a bereavement, by having moments to yourself and not trying to do too much.

On the joint tenancy, tread carefully with the landlord. You can’t simply take your XP’s name off. You have to serve notice to end the tenancy and then landlord would have to issue you a new sole tenancy.

This means you have to trust the landlord to do so. They’ll likely want to be sure you pass an affordability check on your own, including for future annual rent increases. So, you’ll need to show your income, including any local housing allowance entitlement if you need that as a top up. There are online calculators for this. Your landlord may also use a new tenancy agreement to increase the rent, especially if they use a letting agent, who’ll likely recommend they do so (as they get a percentage).

So, do think carefully and get advice from Shelter or Citizens Advice before you approach the landlord.

Sending you strength. You’ve got this 💐

PS. Always be open and honest with the kids (never lie) but obvs in an age appropriate way. And not in a way that makes anything seem ominous or frightening (like a big important sit down). Bright and breezy is best, e.g. “Dad’s going to move to Nanna’s as he doesn’t like living with me any more. But he still wants to see you lots, as he loves you. So everything will be OK”. And be aware kids tend to blame themselves, so will need reassurance it’s not their fault.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/joint_tenancy_relationship_breakdown

He's certainly living his best life.

Out every night, no responsibility for his children, family bbq...

Meanwhile, you do the donkey work.

There may not be much incentive for him to leave the family home quickly at the moment. You may have to make thinks more uncomfortable for him or consider leaving yourself.

I suggest being up and out before him today

Keeping these records is so important.
He will say he wants 50/50 because then he doesn't have to pay maintenance - that is the only reason. He doesn't actually want to have the kids 50% of the time, and in reality he never will actually do it. He will default and cancel and mess you around endlessly.
So don't go for 50/50. Go for a legal settlement that matches what will happen in reality, e.g. he has them every other weekend, and you claim child maintenance accordingly through the CMS.

Just a word of warning - it is nights that count for the courts and CMS, so beware that if he collects them late Friday after dinner and drops them back early Sunday morning without breakfast, he has had two nights, so you only get child maintenance for 5/7 of the time, but in reality he only has them for one full day.

The other issue is the divorce - you don't need to wait for him to move out. Go see a solicitor and get the divorce moving.
As you are renting, the financial settlement will be more straightforward as there is no house to value or sell. You still need to consider the value of his private pensions - is it significantly more than yours? Is it worth claiming in the divorce? Dig around for the paperwork on his savings and pensions if you can, in case he tries to hide anything.

Separate your finances ASAP, don't wait for him to move out. Close any joint accounts, get his name taken off household bills and the rental agreement.
Do separate food shopping.
Then claim maintenance from him whilst he is still in the house if you need to, and also Universal Credit as a single parent if you need to - you can do this as a separated person as long as you don't share any financial ties to him, with him being essentially a separate household in the same building.

OP, this is an absolutely glaring other woman situation, sorry. It sounds as though you’ve been the pretty much perfect wife over the years. He’s had 4 kids, but continues to live the life of a young single man, doing whatever he pleases whilst you pick up the slack.

You should not hold yourself even 1% responsible for this breakup. It’s 100% because of him. All the allegations he’s levelled at you are just run of the mill crap that’s totally normal.

He is a total liar, but I think mentally, for you to recover, you need to accept without proof that there is someone else. You don’t have physical evidence of another woman, but the evidence is in what you have written on here and how even the very first reply sees straight through everything in just your first post.

I am very sorry. You can get through this, it will be very, very hard but better once you get him out of the property. And you must prioritise this unfortunately - I have a friend whose husband cheated and refused to leave. It’s taken 3 years for her to actually get free and get her life back on track.

Adding: now your couple relationship is over and you’re simply co-parents and (for time being co-habitee/house sharers), you shouldn’t let him know why you’re going out, e.g. shopping.

If it’s his evening/day with the kids, you can do whatever you like and shouldn’t explain or justify it to him. It’s not longer any of his business what you’re doing.

Simply say you’re going out. Whip on some lippy, look fierce (even if crumbling inside), hold your head high and go. Like superwoman 🦸‍♀️.

It can really disconcert them to not know what you’re doing or who you’re with. And to see you’re getting on with your life without them. And that way, he can’t say what you’re planning to do is less important.

As a co-parent, it’s ofc reasonable to let him know where you are geographically (e.g. “in town”) in case of emergency.

But equally, it’s none of your business what he does with his free time. So try not to pass judgement on what he’s doing or where he’s going. Total disinterest. And don’t accommodate him in any way, e.g. if he’s been out late drinking and needs to sleep/hungover, then it’s too bad. You’re no longer his DP, so no longer have to attempt to accommodate him. His problem. Unless it’s unsafe/unhealthy to leave kids with him.

This.
One of the hardest things is getting into the right mindset.
You are now no longer a couple.
It is difficult to adjust to thinking of yourself as a single person, but that is what you have to do.

One thing I've seen said a lot on MN on threads like this (sadly there are many) is "He is no longer your friend" and this is absolutely spot on. He isn't. And he has another woman as men never leave a relationship like this unless they have another lined up. They just don't.

Please look out for yourself and your DC first and foremost. Find out what you are legally entitled to and start plans for getting it. Lots of luck to you. You sound amazing! Your STBXH, on the other hand, sounds your average common-or-garden-one-size-fits-all selfish arse 😕

Slight sidetrack but reading the posts here about women who are medicated for depression or anxiety whilst living through these types of abusive relationships makes me so cross. I know so many women - mother of young ish children basically who are medicated to help get through when the real issue is their shit husbands and complete lack of support from society. It’s a scandal and frankly women are still nowhere near equal to our male counterparts in 2026. The second thing that makes my bloody boil is the CMS which, once you go through the initial trauma and abuse of being treated like shit, you then will have to deal with them.
very best of luck to you op and everyone else in these types of situation - remember it is absolutely not your fault and you have done nothing wrong whatsoever. It’s entirely to reprieve themselves of guilt because they cannot handle family life and want an easy out xxxxx

He may not even have another woman, it sounds like he’s been taking the piss for your entire relationship - lying in in the mornings when you deal with the kids, pitching up at 5am, leaving the kids to you on weekends while he watches football. Maybe he just wants to take the piss now with no comeback.

I do think you will be better off without his dead weight.