Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

He really just sounds very selfish and you've not let him be selfish - you might be happier without him!

This is what shared parenting looks like, he looks after his children during his time, and you look after them during yours! I know that you don't have an official schedule yet, but you've given him ample notice.

He really doesn't get it yet, does he.

You're not wrong. He is.

You're not a couple any more, and even if you were it'd be expected to coordinate childcare.

He's not liking even the milder consequences of his actions is he?

Sadly, it might be wise to prepare for such a selfish man to put his own whims above the needs of his children.

I know I will end up giving in because I know he won’t rearrange his tattoo and I won’t let the kids suffer just out of spite. I can also see how things may potentially go when we finally live separately, it’s so frustrating.

He went out last night and is out again tonight, purely because I have plans tomorrow night with my friends to go out for tea.

I mean to be fair, he had booked his thing first. A booking trumps a non booked activity.

But, he should have at least gave you a heads up when he booked it.

It sounds like he’s treating your free time activities like a competition. Punishing you for daring to take the time off you are due. Don’t let it sway you from taking time. But maybe make a point of looking like you really enjoy spending time with the kids doing things too. That way it doesn’t look like he is punishing you by making it hard for you to have time away. Gotta reverse psychology these arseholes.

He didn’t mention it to me until I told him about my plans, I was unaware he’d booked another session, but yes I get that something booked would take priority.

I mainly take time away at the moment because it’s really hard to live under the same roof as him. I’m hopeful he will hear something before the end of the working week about one of the houses he’s been to see xx

So he doesn't tell you his plans, then when you're open about your plans, claims to have something more important planned than you have planned (that he didn't even feel the need to tell you) and then expects you to change your plans because of his plans.

That pretty much sums it up 🤣🥴 he’s always put his own needs and wants above everyone else’s so this is nothing new xx

It really doesn’t matter whether he had it booked or not. It doesn't take priority over your plans because he didn't tell you about it until you mentioned your plans. I doubt he's even got an appointment booked. Tell him straight each time he tries this. He needs to get his head around the fact that life is not the same any more.

The thing is you’ve got to be careful about getting into a tit for tat. Or even being like “you need to run it past me first” because if he feels he needs permission he’s going to start expecting op to ask permission before doing things too.

But just being like “please give me a rough heads up on things like appointments in future so we don’t double book” might help.

He’s probably still going to be a dick but just remember he’s looking for any excuse to make things tough so do what you’re going to do but be careful of micromanaging cause he’ll absolutely reflect it back to you tenfold just to be a dick.

I’d be cautious of this, I’d have to assume it’s going to back fire on you,however you’re both going to have to agree set days each. Otherwise you’re both going to have to ask permission and compete for plans. It won’t work. So agree set days each where you can do as you please.

Would he agree to a trial period of what the custody split would be whilst still living together? Then you are both clear on when you need to be in or can be out?
You’re doing great by the way. Stay strong!

Have you agreed in who will do which days? Will avoid these problems.

No we have just been doing an as and when type of basis at the moment, however that needs to change. I’ve just gotten up to settle one of our toddler twins and noticed the time. He still isn’t home and was apparently only going to his friends’ house for a takeaway. Who in their right mind has their friends round for a curry until halfway through the night? 🤔

Sorry OP but he's obviously at an another woman's house.

You definitely need to agree specific days you each cover and make him stick to it. It's the only way he will learn. Can he stay elsewhere on the nights you are with the kids and vice versa, to start easing the kids into it? Also how do you know he isn't going to take 6 months to move? I would be giving him a deadline - two weeks and if he doesn't find anything before that go to his mum's. Can you get him taken off the rental agreement? If so then once the two weeks is up you can get the police involved if necessary (not that I think you should, that is overkill/horrid for the kids, but might be a useful threat to get him motoring).

You need to document every time he lets you down on your time and when he organises stuff for his days. You are absolutely going to be needing to prove this in court. Bloody manchild. Also, get up before him and say, “Right… I’m off for the day. Have a good one.” Don’t give him the opportunity to guilt you.

I am planning to speak to the landlord tomorrow and make them aware of the situation and what will be happening going forward. I will also discuss getting his name off the tenancy agreement.

I’ve mentioned him moving to his mum’s until he finds somewhere but he has flatly refused to do so, saying he doesn’t want to live with his mum at 41. I told him he gave up that right when he decided he wanted to leave our marriage.

No I wouldn’t involve the police, the kids will be upset enough when they are told what’s happening and up until now I’ve given him plenty of grace with us sitting them down together to explain things, but he’s not giving me the same respect back and I do think it’ll be me that has to sit them down. Makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

I will be suggesting our own days while he is still living here but getting his name off the tenancy is something I am definitely going to discuss with my landlord, so he will be given a deadline to leave regardless.

Yes it’s obvious he’s with another woman, however I’d put my next wage on him saying he stayed at his mum’s just for the one night 🙄

I will be absolutely making a written note of every date of when he has done something like this.

I have it all as proof in texts etc too.

My doctor actually told outright to leave my husband. He said, "Why are you still with him? You should get away." I did not, of course. I stayed until he left me for one of his other women.

I’d do this tattoo morning, just get up and head out. Message him ‘this day worked best for friend and I thought it was your day with the kids so I’ve stuck to it. We need robust contact arrangements so we can both make plans.’

@mummy917 good luck. I’ve read all your posts - you are so strong and capable, I take my hat off to you. Reading your posts honestly I thought he sounded incredibly manipulative. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You will be so much better off without him! Well done for trying to fix a date to get him out. That is an essential big step and the sooner the better. I think you should tell the kids together; I’d even be tempted to ask his mum to be there so he cannot behave badly and say it would be good moral support for everyone including the children.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself 🩷
big hug to you xxxx

OP this man is textbook narcissist. When he says things like “you are controlling” it’s really him projecting his behaviours onto you. There are so many comments in your posts that are just classic narcissistic and emotionally abusive behaviours.

you say you are on antidepressants but if you go and speak to your gp again and let them know you are in an emotionally abusive relationship they might be able to get you counselling for that.

it’s good to be prepared for the OW coming out, it is hard and shocking and takes a lot to deal with and this is where counselling might help. but the OW is hardly winning at life, she’s got her self a lying, cheating drumstick lolly.

There’s nothing wrong with you. I get so upset about women being pathologised because they are being ill-treated by men. I was given anti-depressants by my doctor as though I was the issue. I had young children n he was on tinder, burner phones, prostitutes on Facebook. He used that fact against me and told others I was crazy of course so it’s just not advisable. It’s your husband who needs therapy for wrecking his children’s lives intentionally. It’s a disgrace.

He’s so manipulative it’s horrible. I think you said you are going out tonight, if you can, play him at his own game and just randomly stay out overnight but don’t tell him. Could you stay at your friends or find a cheap hotel? I know it’s petty, however I guarantee he won’t like it.

He sounds awful and I’m totally on your side, but why should his mum have to house him? I expect she’s enjoying her life very nicely. Yet again, default solution = woman. Why can’t he act like an adult and sort out a room in a shared house? Obviously there won’t be a live-in housekeeper but as far as I know, mortality rates for doing your own laundry are pretty low.