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Relationships

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Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

686 replies

mummy917 · 13/05/2026 14:50

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

OP posts:
mummy917 · 24/05/2026 15:46

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 24/05/2026 15:15

You'll have good days and not so good days but I think half the battle is you're seeing him for what he is now. And one day you'll look back and realise he's done you a massive favour.

Remember your worth and never let anyone treat you less than it.

I don’t know when that will be when I think he’ll have some me a favour as I still feel at times as though I want the old husband to come back. It feels like a vicious circle xx

OP posts:
Everintroverte · 25/05/2026 14:15

You are doing very well OP. So glad that you got some time to yourself yesterday and got some head space. Extra kudos for maintaining that he needed to clean up the mess of the BBQ while you bathed and sorted bedtime.

Hopefully it won't be too long until he has moved out and you can start to settle into the new version of your family life. It will be sad at times but I also really enjoyed my time as a single mum. Just you and the kids

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 26/05/2026 17:34

How are you doing op?

mummy917 · 26/05/2026 21:35

I’ve had an up and down day today. I feel sad but can’t pinpoint why. My self esteem is on the floor and I think that’s part of it. I’ve accepted our marriage is over and I feel like knowing I have to continue to be involved with him for the rest of our lives is overwhelming me.

I would love nothing more than to never see him again selfishly. I know it’s not what’s best for the kids but it’s I wish I could have a completely clean break. Suppose that’s normal though.

I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day xx

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/05/2026 21:53

I'm so sorry you're having a difficult day @mummy917
It's still very early days.

mummy917 · 26/05/2026 22:00

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/05/2026 21:53

I'm so sorry you're having a difficult day @mummy917
It's still very early days.

I know and it’s frustrating me that it’s still so early on in the grand scheme of things.

I really wish I was just at the point where I didn’t care either way about him or what he was doing etc. I am so ready for that indifference to come xx

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/05/2026 22:10

mummy917 · 26/05/2026 22:00

I know and it’s frustrating me that it’s still so early on in the grand scheme of things.

I really wish I was just at the point where I didn’t care either way about him or what he was doing etc. I am so ready for that indifference to come xx

And it absolutely will.
I guarantee it.
If you read threads by women in your situation, they always end up by the women saying they're fine, and living their best life.

But not yet. It's far too soon for you to be at that stage. It takes a good year.

My own husband walked out on me eight months ago. I went through the most intense rage, until about eight weeks ago. Then we met up, and I found that I could see him without anger or regret. There was no other woman in our case.

He's started to come round to see me.
I have no idea what's going to happen next. We're retired with adult children.
So I have found that I can easily live on my own, but don't mind seeing him.

I need him to do the garden and paint the flagstones anyway, so that's handy

mummy917 · 26/05/2026 22:15

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/05/2026 22:10

And it absolutely will.
I guarantee it.
If you read threads by women in your situation, they always end up by the women saying they're fine, and living their best life.

But not yet. It's far too soon for you to be at that stage. It takes a good year.

My own husband walked out on me eight months ago. I went through the most intense rage, until about eight weeks ago. Then we met up, and I found that I could see him without anger or regret. There was no other woman in our case.

He's started to come round to see me.
I have no idea what's going to happen next. We're retired with adult children.
So I have found that I can easily live on my own, but don't mind seeing him.

I need him to do the garden and paint the flagstones anyway, so that's handy

That sounds like so long away haha.

It’s horrendous, it’s totally understandable you went through all of those feelings of anger but I’m glad you’re at the point you are now also.

Do you still want to be with him, despite knowing you’re happy on your own too?

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/05/2026 23:21

Do you still want to be with him, despite knowing you’re happy on your own too?

I prefer being on my own now.
I'm hoping he'll become a FWB.
And that he'll do the garden.

mummy917 · 27/05/2026 08:30

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/05/2026 23:21

Do you still want to be with him, despite knowing you’re happy on your own too?

I prefer being on my own now.
I'm hoping he'll become a FWB.
And that he'll do the garden.

Hahaha I love that 🤣

OP posts:
Justanothermum9421 · 27/05/2026 13:17

I relate to you so much OP! My DH blindsided me in January, stating he has love for me, but is no longer in love with me. At that time our children were four and 11 months old! No other woman that I can tell.

There's so many emotions still, but the more I look back and look at the behaviours, the more I wonder why I put up with it all. There's so much hurt there though, I still can't quite get over the face that 'my person' could do that to me.

You sound so strong, and I just know you'll do fine even though I'm sure it all feels totally shit right now.

mummy917 · 27/05/2026 13:30

Justanothermum9421 · 27/05/2026 13:17

I relate to you so much OP! My DH blindsided me in January, stating he has love for me, but is no longer in love with me. At that time our children were four and 11 months old! No other woman that I can tell.

There's so many emotions still, but the more I look back and look at the behaviours, the more I wonder why I put up with it all. There's so much hurt there though, I still can't quite get over the face that 'my person' could do that to me.

You sound so strong, and I just know you'll do fine even though I'm sure it all feels totally shit right now.

Oh god, I’m so sorry you’re going through this too 😩 this is the second day in a row where I’m having more downs than up and it’s absolutely awful.

I feel the same about that one person who you trusted the most, doing this to us.

I hope you and your little ones are finding a new routine and moments of happiness amongst it all.

I sometimes think it’d be easier for me to accept if there was another woman, because that’s always something I’d said I could never forgive, and it may make it feel easier to walk away. Although I’m sure that scenario comes with its struggles too, the same as yours 😩

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/05/2026 14:06

I'm sorry you're also going through this @Justanothermum9421

NameChangeMay2026 · 27/05/2026 16:18

mummy917 · 26/05/2026 21:35

I’ve had an up and down day today. I feel sad but can’t pinpoint why. My self esteem is on the floor and I think that’s part of it. I’ve accepted our marriage is over and I feel like knowing I have to continue to be involved with him for the rest of our lives is overwhelming me.

I would love nothing more than to never see him again selfishly. I know it’s not what’s best for the kids but it’s I wish I could have a completely clean break. Suppose that’s normal though.

I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day xx

This is a massive adjustment, OP. My husband walked out on me and also I have lost both my parents. Good and bad days happen for no apparent reason. Loss, whether through death or divorce, takes a LONG time to come to terms with. I don't think the adjustment after divorce was any less difficult than after death. There really are no words for the scale of the adjustment required after a marital split. I'm convinced that those who haven't been there can't understand. You have to re-think the entire rest of your life, and come to terms with the fact that all your years henceforth, forever, will look different from how you had pictured them for so long. It's the ultimate rug-yank, and it will take a long time to truly heal. So be patient and kind to yourself.

You don't have to be involved with him for the rest of your life. Plenty of divorced parents rarely see or speak to the other parent. Once they're out of education, you'll only need to see him at very occasional family events, like graduations and weddings. In the meantime, there are parenting apps which mean you can co-ordinate without having to speak to each other. I think there's one called My Family Wizard.

When you are faced with a huge loss that you didn't want and can't control, there really is no true fix but time. It's a cliche because it's true. When you can't fix it, like you can fix a bad job situation or dating relationship by leaving, the best method is distraction. That's what I found. Set aside some time to be distracted for a time. For me, funny films or TV series and beauty tutorials on YouTube were it. Your mileage may vary. But distraction is the key. It's not good ruminating too much and trying to think of ways to fix the situation, when there is no fix. I wasted so much time that way, when I'd have been better of practicing radical acceptance.

I have been where you are, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Sending you hugs and relaxing, healing dust. 💐 Better days are ahead, I promise.

NameChangeMay2026 · 27/05/2026 16:27

Justanothermum9421 · 27/05/2026 13:17

I relate to you so much OP! My DH blindsided me in January, stating he has love for me, but is no longer in love with me. At that time our children were four and 11 months old! No other woman that I can tell.

There's so many emotions still, but the more I look back and look at the behaviours, the more I wonder why I put up with it all. There's so much hurt there though, I still can't quite get over the face that 'my person' could do that to me.

You sound so strong, and I just know you'll do fine even though I'm sure it all feels totally shit right now.

I have the rage on your behalf, PP! How can someone love someone enough to create a life with them, and 20 months after conception be like "Nahhhh!" I do wonder if the type of person who does this is a flake. My exH did this, and he is very neurotic and a total flake.

Justanothermum9421 · 27/05/2026 16:47

NameChangeMay2026 · 27/05/2026 16:27

I have the rage on your behalf, PP! How can someone love someone enough to create a life with them, and 20 months after conception be like "Nahhhh!" I do wonder if the type of person who does this is a flake. My exH did this, and he is very neurotic and a total flake.

Thank you, I honestly have no idea!
I must've meant very little to him, is the only conclusion I can come to in my head 😅
It's just repulsive isn't it, I'm so sorry you've been through it too. It's changed my view of men entirely, and although it's still early days for me, I do wonder if I'll ever be able to trust someone enough to commit to them again.

NameChangeMay2026 · 27/05/2026 17:14

Justanothermum9421 · 27/05/2026 16:47

Thank you, I honestly have no idea!
I must've meant very little to him, is the only conclusion I can come to in my head 😅
It's just repulsive isn't it, I'm so sorry you've been through it too. It's changed my view of men entirely, and although it's still early days for me, I do wonder if I'll ever be able to trust someone enough to commit to them again.

Oh yes, it's changed my approach and views of relationships completely. I used to be the ultimate romantic. Had no problem at all with lifelong commitment; in fact, relished it. Wild horses couldn't have made me be unfaithful.

But now my eyes have been opened to the underbelly of relationships, and I can't unsee it. I have zero interest in commitment. I will never marry or live with a man again, because I could not go through this a second time. It would kill me.

I'm left with a fear of intimacy and I have sex without feelings beyond vague fondness, and without falling in love. This would have been unthinkable previously. It's like the trauma of being suddenly left has cut off any real feelings for men. But I do actually feel happier this way. I do not want the highs and lows of relationships anymore. It all feels too much.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/05/2026 18:17

This thread is feeling like a big meeting of women who have been abandoned by their husbands.

mummy917 · 27/05/2026 18:33

I suppose at least we are all in it together xx

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 27/05/2026 23:59

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/05/2026 18:17

This thread is feeling like a big meeting of women who have been abandoned by their husbands.

lol meanwhile I’m watching on like…

Seriously though, where are people finding guys they want to spend more than a coffee with these days, let alone life!

Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided
mummy917 · 28/05/2026 10:58

So I have a little update.

I told him that next Friday I plan on going shopping for the day with my friends, without the kids (he doesn’t work a Friday) as I need some summer clothes for them and I want a few new bits for the house. He turned round and said he has yet another tattoo session booked in for then, so I’ve said that’s not my problem and these are things he needs to be thinking of when he just arranges ridiculous stuff like this without thinking of the logistics of the kids.

He said I’m being unreasonable and I “can go
shopping any time”. I feel he’s completely missing the point…

OP posts:
G5000 · 28/05/2026 11:00

still thinks you will be doing his parenting even if he doesn't want to be your husband any more

mummy917 · 28/05/2026 11:01

G5000 · 28/05/2026 11:00

still thinks you will be doing his parenting even if he doesn't want to be your husband any more

Exactly. I’m not sure what planet he is living on.

OP posts:
AMurderofMurderingCrows · 28/05/2026 11:23

mummy917 · 28/05/2026 10:58

So I have a little update.

I told him that next Friday I plan on going shopping for the day with my friends, without the kids (he doesn’t work a Friday) as I need some summer clothes for them and I want a few new bits for the house. He turned round and said he has yet another tattoo session booked in for then, so I’ve said that’s not my problem and these are things he needs to be thinking of when he just arranges ridiculous stuff like this without thinking of the logistics of the kids.

He said I’m being unreasonable and I “can go
shopping any time”. I feel he’s completely missing the point…

Same goes for him. He can go for a tattoo when he's consulted you about childcare and you have agreed you can be there for them that day.

This manbaby has had it far too easy and will need to grow up pretty sharpish.

McBuckers · 28/05/2026 11:59

Well done for putting your foot down OP. Unfortunately, I didn't and proceeded to spend the next 12 years parenting around his commitments - swapping weekends, him picking up the kids a day late because he had plans. Additionally, once the kids got older and maybe didn't want to go to his house for the weekend, the first I would know about it was when he picked the other children up and would inform me that he wasn't picking X.

Set your boundaries now and stick to them. Don't be a wuss, like I was.